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[SeeEmilyPlay]

I was wondering if it would be possible to get some advice?

My brother and I have recently noticed that our Mum (who is 56) has started to drink and is attempting to hide the fact she is drinking.

My brother and I are both in our thirties and have left home. Our Mum and Dad live not far away and don't struggle financially. Mum has a part-time job but this is done more out of interest than a need to contribute financially.

One or two things have happened recently that may have contributed to her drinking. She has recently stopped talking to her brother after a property inheritence issue turned nasty. She has also had a few medical issues, such as a stiff neck and problems with her hearing.

Our Dad knows that she has had drinking issues before but neither myself or my brother have spoken to him about this latest bout.

I have noticed signs that she is drinking - such as making us all cups of tea but her drink doesn't appear hot and she shields the mug. My brother visits our parents more often as he is currently living alone and pops round for evening meals.

He has noticed that she appears drunk and is apparently drinking from a still water bottle. He has spotted a vodka bottle in the kitchen. She becomes very animated at times, asking him lots of questions and becomes quite argumentative when he doesn't agree with her.

We have a dilemma. We don't want to confont her directly about the issue but feel that our father should know that we are aware of the problem and would like to help.

My brother thinks that our mother feels lonely and isolated, but I disagree.

I'm trying not to be too judgemental but she has a circle of friends, money that they could spend on holidays or days out etc.

She also has so many opportunities to get involved with my family and her two grandchildren but doesn't, saying that she prefers to be asked. More often than not, when we do ask, she makes an excuse not to get involved.

Our parents have recently moved to a new house that has been renovated and needs some finishing touches - decoration furnishing etc. Mum seems completely disinterested in contrbuting to this and it seems like my Dad is the only person with an interest in it.

So it's hard to understand why she feels the need to drink. To be honest, if she had a few glasses of wine in the evening, openly, we wouldn't be too concerned as we know she likes to have wine to unwind.

The secrecy is worrying us.

Any advice or help would be gratefully received.

Your mum sounds very much like my mum tbh.

I don't think that there is an answer! We have tried talking to mum and telling her that we are worried about her, she laughs us off. We have tried confronting her more sternly, she ignores us. We have tried hiding her alcohol, she buys more.

You could try contacting Al Anon I believe they are very understanding and have some good advice.

Good luck
xx

I think it's a red herring to start looking for justifications/reasons why she drinks - the friends, holidays, money etc are irrelevant to an addiction. You don't have to be lonely and isolated to be a drunk.

I think you do need to talk privately with your father - he must know, and will probably be hugely relieved to know that there's someone he can share his concerns with. And then you can work out a joint strategy - but you are going to need some expert advice, and Al-Anon are said to be excellent.

Good luck with it all - you must be very worried.

My dad is a recovering alchoholic. A lot of the time it is triggered by depression. Your mum sounds like this may be the case. I agreee with talking to your dad - he will need the support. Who is closest to your mum - could they talk to her?? I am sorry as you must be really concerned.

Thanks for your advice so far.

Hassled - you are right, looking for reasons isn't the answer - I think supporting our Dad to begin with will help.

Not sure about al-anon - surely they are there to help the person with the problem?

Thanks so far!

SeeEmily,

what a pity that you didn't put a title on this thread - I only came across it by accident.

I know there is a really strong thread on here for people who are partners (etc.) of addicts. (If I can find it I'll post back here)

I am on a thread in general health about people who drink too much (I am one of them ). Also in general health is a thread called "Serenity" where most of the posters are people who are now sober through the support of AA. They can give you some great insights into what your mother is facing.

As I understand it, AA is for the people with a problem, Al-anon is for their partners, supporters and friends.

If I can work out how to link the threads I will do so,

SeeEmily, don't know if I can help much as I don't have an alcoholic parent but I am a recovering alcoholic so am familiar with a lot of what you're talking about. Al Anon would definitely be a good starting point - as beinghonest says, it's for people who aren't alcoholic themselves, but are involved with one. It can be a great help with dealing with your own feelings, as well as mechanisms for helping your mother.

SEP, I am another recovering alcoholic in AA. AlAnon certianly works for some family members and I suspect, even for a lot of people who try it and decide it's not for them, the initial relief that they are not alone and their problem is not unique or insurmountable.

As for AA itself, there is no way of forcing a drunk to try it (or, indeed, any other treatment for drink problems.) He or she has to want to sort things out.

That said, someone who is hiding her drinking, gets very argumentative with loved ones, and has lost interest in life, is probably not a happy bunny and may be more amenable to talking about problems than you would think. Or she may not.

FWIW, I've seen two men at least come into AA when older than your mum and become happy and sober as a result. I say this in case she trots out the old chestnut, "I'm too old to change." That might be her decision - but it is demonstrably not a medical fact. She can have a better life if she wants it, and has nothing to lose. AA doesn't even insist the newcomer stops drinking - I mean, if she doesn't, her life is likely to remain miserable and get more so, but she won't be refused entry to AA on the basis that she hasn't stopped.

Hope some of this is of some help.

SeeEmilyPlay

I only came across this thread by accident as well but I do read threads marked untitled anyway on these pages.

The secrecy is also worrying; alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

Confronting her won't necessarily help as she is likely to be in denial about the extent of her drinking. She is likely underestimating the amount she is drinking.
Your Dad has also commented she has had drinking issues before which also makes me think this is a long standing problem of hers. She liking wine to "unwind" can itself lead to problems with dependency. As others posters have rightly stated only your Mum can begin to tackle her drinking problem and the issues surrounding her drinking (and there are always reasons why). No-one can do it for her.

Would think that the still water bottle actually contains a spirit like vodka or gin. It won't be water. When she makes you tea she is drinking alcohol.

Your Dad is probably now acting as her enabler and has been this for a long time. Who is purchasing the alcohol?. One thing he certainly cannot do is actually drink with her. He certainly needs some outside support from Al-anon as do yourselves.

You cannot help someone who ultimately does not want to be helped. You cannot solve this for her.

Al-anon are for family members of problem drinkers. I would suggest you make contact with them asap.

Thanks everyone. I'm sorry I didn't give this a title - is there a way to add one now?

There is a lot to think about here, but it's all so helpful. Myself andmy brother have been floundering really.

FairyCCTaleEnding, beinghonest & ManIFeelLikeAWoman - thanks so much for your honesty and your direct advice.

Attila - yes, I think you are right about the waterbottle. It actually looks old, with some of the writing wearing off. Its something I have only noticed since my brother raised the issue.

I've notice the tea mug thing myself in the past - no steam rising from it, her hand covering the top. It all seems to add up - and it seems so sad.

I know she has had some painful things to deal with - losing her father relatively young, the problems with her brother etc.

I myself am very busy with my two children (both under 6), so maybe I should spend some time with her and try to encourage her to get more involved with day to day things that could take her mind off drinking.

But I guess the central issue of drinking has to be addressed.

Hi SeeEmilyPlay,

Am uncertain as to whether you can add a title now - may be worth contacting Mumsnet HQ via e-mail. If they cannot assist I would repost your original posting with the subject heading.

Re your comment:-
"I myself am very busy with my two children (both under 6), so maybe I should spend some time with her and try to encourage her to get more involved with day to day things that could take her mind off drinking".

No, you will end up bashing your head against a wall and still flounder if you do. You cannot and should not enable. You are not responsible for her and should not try and attempt any ownership of her problems. You are only responsible for your own self ultimately as well as your children. She has also made excuses in the past not to get involved with the children. Nothing you say or do will influence her any if she does want to continue drinking. I would talk to your Dad and encourage him to seek outside help too from Al-anon. Re yourself I would suggest you concentrate on your own family unit along with getting support from Al-anon. They will have seen this all before and can advise further.

Has a new thyread started then? I can't find it.