What hope for my marriage?

[maviscrewit]

I hope some wise women out there can help me keep some perspective on things as I feel I am starting to crumble.

I'll be brief as otherwise it'll get too complicated:

We haven't had sex for nearly a year, we do nothing together except with the kids. I have made the effort to try to get back on track and arranged a babysitter and booked a lovely restaurant and he didn't want to go. We never talk or touch much anymore. He leaves for work early and works late. I really don't think he's having an affair, but he seems so distant I am starting to wonder but I really don't think he would risk losing the kids.

Is this the start of the end or I can't see myself lasting in a loveless marriage but can't bear to accept that things might have to change.

Any advice would be great.

PS i might not be able to reply for a while as he will be back soon. THanks

Did he say why he didn't want to go? Could he be stressed/depressed over work issues?
Or is it a case that he has been brought up to think that once he's married you and you've had DC, his job is to earn wages and socialise with other men, your job is to cook, clean and do the childcare, and that the two of you don't actually need to relate to each other as people any more?

did he say why he didnt want to go?
does he talk about his feelings? is he as upset as you are about the lack of sex/touch/fun

Has he something on his mind - workwise I mean? He may be stressed out or having a mid life crisis. Ask him what he would like to do - see a film maybe and go for a drink, go ice skating, anything really that you will actually have fun doing. Maybe even a evening course.

Has he something on his mind - workwise I mean? He may be stressed out or having a mid life crisis. Ask him what he would like to do - see a film maybe and go for a drink, go ice skating, anything really that you will actually have fun doing. Maybe even a evening course.

Thanks for the posts - I just needed to get things off my chest a bit. He's had a few days off work so we've spent a bit more time together but just with the kids - which is great as its lovely being a family, but I feel very lonely. Sometimes it feels superficial but I will do anything for the children's happiness and I have made my own choice and should stick by it.

He is stressed by work and maybe having a kind of midlife crisis as I maybe too! I feel like I can't live with him or without him at the moment. We don't argue that would be too passionate, we just co exist and do things for the children. Maybe this is what marriage is after children I just feel something is missing and I feel lonely. We've been through periods like this before and it is always me who raises the issue and tries to put things right, so I guess I am fed up with always being the one to try to get things back on track. I would love him to appreciate me and feel attracted to me and empathise with me and flaming notice me a bit more - but hey ho.

Sorry I have rambled, we'll stick together now but when the children are older I do wonder what will keep us together.

bump

Oh, please dont give up on your marriage just yet. You sound like you have a good base and you dont argue, your DH loves to spend time with you and the kids so you really have alot to be thankful for.

However (and its a BIG however), you need to find a way to remind him that this is not enough and if you both start to drift then everything else will be affected sooner or later.

If your DH is busy and stressed with work then how about you arranging a babysitter and booking a nice restaurant then just tell him that you've organised everything. Sometimes, when you get out of the habit of going out then the thought of it becomes more like a chore. I would put money on it that he would enjoy the evening if you sprung it on him. I do think that many men become complacent, especially after having children. It certainly doesnt help when they only see us in our "scruffs" cooking and cleaning. Sometimes its nice to remind them what they fell for all those years ago.

I know its hard to take the initiative but if your DH seems happy to just plod along then its down to you to get things moving.
I dont mean to sound harsh, I truly know where you are coming from.

Sorry, just seen that you did arrange babysitter and booked meal! Perhaps you should insist that he goes.

Thanks Mariemarie. I do know that I have a lot to be grateful for i truly do. Its just I feel that there is only so long that I can go on for feeling like this. I had booked everything for a night out and he didn't want to go - maybe he is scared of having to talk to me I don't know. When I go out with my girlfriends, which isn't very often and I dress up, he never once says you look nice and I have made an effort. I've lost weight, dyed my hair and have started to wear a bit of make up again. All he does in the evenings is either work or drink. We have been through two phases like this before and on both occassions I made the effort to put things right. Maybe he is happy to drift, tbh that is his personality. But why should I always initiate sex, I mean surely its unusual for a man to go so long without the slightest interest. Part of me is thinking lets see how long before he says something. Or am I being naive and will I be one of those women who find out about an affair years down the line and then think thats why he doesn't want to have sex with me.

I won't give up on it all yet, and I hope I don't become bitter later in life!

that is very sad - but i do think from time to time everyone feels a bit like that - 'is this it then'?

What i find really sad is that you sound as if you are only staying while the children are young.

I can honestly say that i want to grow old with my h - dispite all his past faults. It hit me a while back and i really do want to share my life with him.
Although i too am going through a bit of a down patch and need to re-connect again but i know that is only temporary.

Hope you do work things out.