Divorce and the effect on children

[Robbie]

Do you think there's such thing as a good age for children for their parents to divorce. My stepbrothers' dad left when they were 2 and 6. The two yr old seems to have been effected much more and is still tormented by it even now he's in his 20s. By contrast the 6 year old has much greater self-esteem now he's an adult. Are there good and bad ages to seperate?

Sadly, I don't think there's ever a good age. My husband's parents divorced when he was 21, and although he now seems a very level-headed and logical chap under it all he has a deep insecurity about family relationships as a direct result of his parents split. The closeness and unity of our own little family unit is desperately important to him, and he doesn't cope at all well with even a hint of marital strife - something I've had to work hard to learn how to handle, because my temper is somewhat volatile!

I'm a Solicitor dealing with Divorce cases. In my experience the age(s) of a child(ren) when their parents separate, is far less important than the way in which the matter is dealt with . The important thing is to minimise the sense of loss, and to work hard towards achieving a situation which, though 'changed' still allows the child(ren) to enjoy a meaningful relationship with both parents.

I'd agree with Macdonalfraser. Not quite the same situation but my father died when I was 5 and I don't rememebr any bad feelings from that period as my Mum was fantastic (how did she do it?) and myself and my sisters got a lot of love and attention from other members of the family. In contrast Mum remarried soon afterwards but later divorced my 'new' father when I was 25. I found this much worse. I was really upset. But, of course, at that age you're expected to deal with it on your own. Nearly 10 years later I'm still incredibly angry at my father because after the divorce he completely dropped all contact with me and my sisters and we don't even get a christmas card. it's like he divorced the whole family.

My separation happened when our child was just three months old. At the moment I'm of the view that what our child didn't know won't hurt him, his father never having really bonded with him anyway. Having read around this thing, the (admittedly generalised ) view seems to be that until a child is two or so, the effects are less than in older children. I'm personally holding out for the future - it's impossible to prescribe in individual cases but I will say I totally agree with Macdonaldfraser re the point about maintaining a meaningful relationship.

I wouldn't say there's any age that's better - I've heard of adults being traumatised by their parents recent split. But I have heard that the symptoms that kids display in the short term are different - apparently, younger children are more likely to act out (bedwetting, tantrums etc) while teenagers are more likely to be withdrawn and go into themselves. Not sure if this is the case but it's what I've heard.

I think that there is never a good age for parents to divorce however like Batters I was in the middle of a war zone throughout my childhood and it was a nightmare. I remember frequently telling my mother to leave my father. Eventually they divorced and I was 28! It was surprisingly a shock. Staying together 'for the children' is ridiculous in my opinion. Children are not stupid. Divorce is not easy but happy parents apart has to be better for children than miserable parents together!

I think that possibly the most important thing to remember with divorce and children is to ensure that the children maintain a link with both parents and if possible, build a healthy relationship.

My sister's husband left suddently when her children were 3 and 16 months. He never saw the children again, apart from one visit when he came back to collect some things. She spent many miserable weeks and months listening to her daughter asking every man who came to the house if he was her daddy. My sister tried to be both mother and father, and did remarry, but I think her daughter in particular never really got over the fact that her father had rejected her and didn't even send her a birthday card. When she was 18 she asked if she could meet him. He agreed to this, but was so offhand and disinterested that I think it did more harm than good. Both children have been divorced, although I am not sure how much that has to do with the father's abandonment. What a heavy price we make our children pay for our own selfish pursuit of happiness!

My mother left my father when I was 25 - she thought that because my brother and I were adults we wouldn't be affected (or at least minimally). A divorce in a family is always hard - however old because your foundations disappear and everything you believe in seems like it was a lie. It took me several years to get over it and to this day I am still upset at why and how it happened... As an adult what bothered me was that no one thought it mattered to me - I kept hearing how's your mum or dad doing... not how am I coping ???
Also my parents are not on speaking terms and that's hell for a child because you are caught in the middle. If you must divorce then please make sure your kids are seeing the best side of both of you (from both of you) not the fighting and backstabbing.... and believe me these are visible and very hurtful !

My parents got divorced but them splitting up didn't upset me. It was the fact that they had to go to court, that was frightening to me. Like they were criminals just because they didn't get on anymore. That was scary to a child. The legal process was worse than their relationship not working anymore.

Along the lines of what Pupace is saying I heard a radio programme about parents who split up when their children were older, ie in their 20s/30s and indeed it did seem to affect them quite badly.

On the other hand the more you can explain to the child the better. A baby won't understand but a 2 year old will know enough to know something is wrong but not understand why. My sister split up when her kids were about 2 and 5, the younger seemed ok but the oldest took it very bad.

A friend is going through a divorce and her eldest is 3 - he had a bad time of it but seems OK, this was despite it being a very amicable separation. The mere fact that his parents weren't living together anymore was enough to upset him. I did once hear that kids will put up with a lot of arguing and upset if their parents are together. This kind of flies in the face of the the view of some parents thinking that it is "better for the kids" if they split. In reality parents split up for their own reasons, not for the welfare of the kids (violent abuse excepted).

Eulalia, I see your point that it is more in the parent's interests than the kids, but I have to disagree as I do think that the majority of people faced with a breakdown of a relationship make their children their first and main priority ( at least the people that I know...)
I know that it was that way for me, and my child had not even been born when I realised I had to face the prospect of bringing her up alone. It became imperative to me to find a stable and secure environment for my baby which could not have co-existed with the relationship I had with her father. I have to say that I may still be in the relationship now if I hadn't have had my daughter as it became 'acceptable' for me to be treated that way. It wasn't until I began to think 'this is not a healthy loving partnership I want to bring a child into' that I began to realise what a bad effect it was having on myself ( for example - stress, panic attacks, lack of motivation, depression .) It was not until I had made the break that I could see how bad it had become for ME, so I left purely for the sake of my baby and not for my own reasons...

As for your point that kids will put up with a lot of arguing - of course they will, it's their parents and they love them - but it doesn't make it right does it? I'm convinced that putting a child in an explosive, fraught environment can only have detrimental effects on the child. In the end it isn't an ideal situation for the children in either circumstances, but seeing their parents happy but apart has to be a better solution in the long run...

Lizzer, I agree with you completely. Having parents who were so obsessed with their bad relationship but would not split up 'because of the children'ruined my childhood! Eventually they split up when I was 28, by which time I had resigned myself to the fact that they'd spend there lives together hating each other. As it happens there split has been more difficult for me than I'd anticipated because, as others have mentioned here, if parents are at war, whatever your age, as a child you are stuck in the middle.
My relationship with my daughters father broke down partly because I took stock and decided that she would not be subjected to a lifetime of being neglected by default; people wrapped up in their own misery cannot possibly give children all the attention they need and deserve. It is never pleasant, there is never a 'right' age but sometimes it is absolutely necessary.

I can't believe the news - that US study finding that divorce doesn't badly effect the majority of children! What a ridiculous statement to make. It wasn't exactly a huge study anyway, hardly big enough to draw that kind of conclusion. How do you measure the emotional damage or turmoil of a young child anyway?

Yes I am a child of divorced parents, and mine did not handle it well, it was a bitter thing from then and still to now. Maybe people are dealing with it better these days...I hope so! What does everyone else think about this finding?

You have to ask where was the population sample taken from? If it were Beverly Hills for example, I would imagine a child might be scarred for life by only having 2 parents of the opposite sex for all its life! Most people I know from 'broken' famillies, as adults recognise that old saying 'better to have come from a broken home than to live in one', but as children remembered wanting more than anything else in the world that mum and dad would stay together.

My parents divorced a few years ago - I was in my mid-twenties - and because they made a very bad job of it (the divorce), I have very negative feelings about the whole thing (and was miserable for a while)... not that anyone ever asked me how I felt about it. I guess as I was an adult people assumed I was coping well. And my parents kept "confinding" in me how horrible the other one was, etc ! I guess they also felt I could cope with it. All I would say is that is vital for parents to not involve the kids (even older one)in the argument.
My mum has a new partner with 2 young children. Obviously he is divorced and it is hell for the kids. The son (10 yo) is particularely disruptive (they are now sending him to a psychologist) and the daughter (12 yo) plays her parents against each other. They see their dad every other WE, they are very spoiled and difficult kids. Anyway I don't want to rant but I can see how affected they are by their parents living apart.

A friend of mine's wife ran off with his best friend. The friend has custody of the kids, the eldest being 11ish. The 11 yr old was in tears because his girlfriend was 2-timing him - bless! But he said to his Dad 'now I know how you felt when Mum did this to you'. gulp! sob!

MacdonaldFraser - you don't live in Scotland do you??? Or do you know any websites with lists of solicitors in Scotland? I've looked at divorce-online.co.uk but this is only for England and Wales. Any ideas on how to choose a solicitor? I'd appreciate any advice.

Amelia ive just realised from another thread that you are in Scotland,where about as so am i?

My partner's parents split when he was six - and like Jbr says, I think it was the courtroom battles that did the most damage. It was a very angry situation - the parents waged a war on each other using both of their sons as weapons. As a result, my partner does not even deal with his dad (who is a very manipulative man!), and a lot of damage was done.

And now we are really struggling in our relationship - just not happy - I truly don't think we are in love with each other, and it is time to move on. But he refuses to give up - says our dd is not going to grow up like he did. I keep trying to tell him that if two people are amicable and work at respecting each other, it won't be like his upbringing. But he insists - all or nothing. Either he is in her life full time - or he stays out of it so as not to confuse her, and put her through what he went through growing up.

I believe a healthy split is so much better than an unhealthy relationship - so probably the "best age" for divorce is as soon as it will put the children, and the parents, in a much healthier environment! Now, I just need to get the guts, and the strength, to put that in place...and hope he will follow suit...

My Aunt & Uncle had a very messy divorce fairly late on - they were both in their late 40s and their adoptive daughter at 16ish was caught well and truly in the middle of it all. My Uncle bought his teenage daughter's loyalty and my Aunt was heartbroken at what she saw as betrayal and even crossed to the other side of the street if she saw her. It was a terrible time for all concerned. Both parents are now remarried and the daughter has at last made contact with her mother again. I don't think they've been in the same room for years. I think a great deal of the pain could have been avoided if they'd taken time to think about the effect their viciousness to each other was having on their child. I also think it gets much much worse once the lawyers get involved. You have to be very very strong to stand up to them, and most people don't have it in them when they're in distress. I'm not condoning either way, just saying what happened in my family. At the time, my mother was dying and we just didn't have time to deal with what - at that time - we considered such a trivial thing compared to our situation. If my Mum had known about it, I think she would have sorted it out, so its taken about 12 years to do it by itself!