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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage over and he doesn't care

25 replies

RunLikeTheDevil · 10/03/2009 09:01

My marriage has been on rocky ground for a while, we never talk, never go anywhere, never do anything. He never wants to spend any time with us and sits on the PC from the minute he gets in from work until he goes to bed. Only coming down for his tea.

Then late last year I found out he'd been talking to a woman online. I read some of the emails and they were very flirty and he was telling her everything. We had it out. He agreed to stop talking to her and everything was ok again.

Then a couple of weeks ago I found out that he'd been talking to a different woman online. I found emails, chat logs etc, all very suggestive and IMO not at all innocent. We had it out again and he admitted that he liked her. I asked if she meant more to him that me, and he said "No" and then added "about the same".

Since then we have not spoken. He refuses to stop talking to her and told me if I gave him an ultimatum, we would have to split up.

How can he do this over some tart he hasn't even met on the internet?? 23 years of marriage just thrown away over a stupid online 'game'??

He's trying to put it all on to me, saying he can't carry on and that we're splitting because I hate him. He doesn't acknowledge what he's done or is doing. Says I have made the situation unbearable.

I don't know what to do. He makes me feel like I've blown it all out of proportion. Like it's all my fault

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 10/03/2009 09:07

The problem is not "some tart on the internet". "You never talk, never go anywhere, never do anything." Your marriage sounds absolutely terrible. Of course your DH wants some love, fun and affection - and he has found it elsewhere since he didn't find it in your marriage.

Don't you want some love, fun and affection? How did you let your marriage deteriorate like this without feeling awful and looking for some affection for yourself?

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 10/03/2009 09:09

Agree with Anna. It doesn't sound like you have a marriage at all, you just happen to live in the same house. The other woman is a symptom of this - an unfair symptom, as he should be dealing with the issues not hiding from them - and not the cause.

So sorry you're going through all this, but would you really be worse off without him?

Monkeytrousers1 · 10/03/2009 09:11

By your description of your marriage, I'm not sure why you should care either. You deserve better than this, surely?

Original poster

RunLikeTheDevil · 10/03/2009 09:13

I know, I suppose I just thought we could carry on the way we had for years. I was fed up but I would never have started messing around with someone else I suppose I was burrying my head in the sand and pretending everything was ok.

I asked if he cared that we were breaking up. He said "I would have, years ago. Not now"

I have never been on my own

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers1 · 10/03/2009 09:13

Thoug I'm not sure "How did you let your marriage deteriorate like this" is fair. We have no idea how this happened and who is to blame for that.

Original poster

RunLikeTheDevil · 10/03/2009 09:13

I don't know what to tell the kids.

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers1 · 10/03/2009 09:14

Do you have children RLTD?

Original poster

RunLikeTheDevil · 10/03/2009 09:15

The thing is I WANTED to go out, I WANTED to go places.

I went on at him for years about going abroad as in the 23 years we have been together, we have never had a holiday. He didn't want to go.

On a weekend I would ask "what shall we do this weekend?" and he'd sigh as if to say "here she goes again". I did try.

OP posts:

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 10/03/2009 09:18

You must have felt so frustrated. I would recommend going to Relate (although from what you say, persuading him might be a problem). They don't just help with sorting things out they also help with how to split up in the best possible way for everyone involved.

BonsoirAnna · 10/03/2009 09:18

Asking "What shall we do this weekend?" is no good. You ought to say "This weekend I would like to do X and/or Y. Do you want to come too?"

QuintessentialShadow · 10/03/2009 09:20

did you never suggest anything specific to him in your 23 years of marriage? Did you always look to him to find something to do, or to him to "authorize" fun?

Niecie · 10/03/2009 09:24

I agree with MT1 - this isn't all your fault OP. It sounds like you tried but your DH hasn't made any effort for a very long time and you have reach some awful stalemate where you aren't really a married couple any more and are just house sharing.

How old are your DC, RunLikeTheDevil?

I think I would tell them the truth actually - say that mum and dad don't make each other happy any more and don't have anything in common except that they love their children and so have decided to live apart.

Sorry you are having to go through this though.

Original poster

RunLikeTheDevil · 10/03/2009 09:27

No there was one example - I told him I wanted to take the kids to Disney Land. He said he didn't fancy it. So I said "Well, I want to go and so do the kids, is there anywhere else you'd rather go?" he said "I'll think about it".

So weeks went by, I asked "Did you have a think about the holiday then?" and he sighed and said "I don't know". I told him "well, me and the kids want to go to DisneyLand ... Do you want to go?" he said "no".

So I arranged for me and a friend to take our kids together. He was furious and said I was being deceitful and now he keeps saying "You even went on holiday without me, that's how much you love me" etc.

Like with weekends I would say to him "Do you fancy going to cinema?" he would say "there's nothing I want to see". I suggested lots of things and had to practically drag him out to get him to come with us.

OP posts:

MsBeauregarde · 10/03/2009 09:31

I think you should take this opportunity to split up. You don't have a marriage worth fighting for, so you won't have lost anything worth having. You will have gained your freedom. Don't be afraid of being single. So many women are, and they deny themselves so many chances to be happy and get something out of life.

Niecie · 10/03/2009 09:32

He sounds very anti-social RLTD

Has your marriage ever been good or has he always been out of step with the rest of the family?

MsBeauregarde · 10/03/2009 09:35

PS, you don't need to be afraid of being single, you have arranged a holiday and trips to the cinema. Imagine how much more you could arrange and get on with if you didn't have his disapproval hanging in the air and around your neck like an albatross.

He sounds like a boring uncommunicative martyr. You're to blame for everything. Well, let him sit there in a room on his own, blaming you for everything! meanwhile you should be out there living.

Niecie · 10/03/2009 09:36

TBH the first thing I would be doing after kicking him out of the door to his internet tart is booking the best holiday I could afford and having some fun for once.

MsBeauregarde · 10/03/2009 09:40

Yes, that would be great. Plan the holiday of your life and allow yourself to enjoy it and don't give him a second thought!

I am single btw, and 'single' gets bad press. It is not as dreadful as the women trapped in unhappy relationships imagine it to be. You say you're afraid of being alone, I'd be more afraid of living with this energy, motivation and joy sapper that masquerades as a husband.

GypsyMoth · 10/03/2009 09:41

It wasn't a woman from 'second life' was it by any chance?
Think its run it's course, you'd never fully trust him again, and the computer will always lure him back.

MsBeauregarde · 10/03/2009 09:46

It doesn't even matter about the computer woman.

The point is, he has made you miserable for years, a decade??

Be glad that this computer woman has come to light. Don't resent her. Thank her. If you don't now, you will after you've split!

warthog · 10/03/2009 10:15

how old are your children?

if they're old enough, i'd book a lovely holiday somewhere with a friend. do not consult him. give you both breathing space.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 10/03/2009 11:07

"He never wants to spend any time with us and sits on the PC from the minute he gets in from work until he goes to bed. Only coming down for his tea."

And if this is still going on, stop making his tea!

solidgoldbrass · 10/03/2009 11:17

YOu will be so much better off without him. ANd, without blaming you, he may well be better off without you - it doesn't sound like either of you can make the other happy, or that you have much in common. Sort out your split, and try to make it as amicalbe as possible: in time, you might well be able to develop a perfectly friendly co-parent relationship.

Iloveeasy · 10/03/2009 12:54

I don't think choosing who to blame helps. This is a marriage of two adults and both must have contributed to this disintegration.

I wouldn't advise you to just quit a marriage after 23 years after a few messages ? and especially as there doesn?t seem to be any abuse involved!

Try counselling first because it would be helpful if you actually understood the root cause of this breakdown. At least you?ll know if it?s something you both can solve, or at least be at peace of why it is irreparable.

prettyfly1 · 10/03/2009 13:36

I love it doesnt sound like he wants to??

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