I am worried my DD1 has become my STBXHs next vicitm what do I do??

[macdoodle]

In a nutshell, my STBXH is a verbally abusive (with the odd smatter of physical abuse thrown in), controlling, manupulative, NPD twat

It took me a long while (10 years ) to realise this and get out (even through an affair and a baby with the OW, I still took him back and had DD2 who is now 14 months)

We have been seperated 2 and a half years (DD2 was conceived after he left during an attempted reconciliation), divorce is imminent, but is very unpleasant, he is erratic and manipulative with child care, and draining me dry financially! But I am getting there, I have a lovely lovely NM and am slowly getting my life back together!

I always said he would only leave me alone when he found his next victim, but am now afraid that this is DD1 (she is 7 and a half, bright, mature, sensitive, sensible, very very wonderful little girl, who has been though a lot the last few years)....
He lets her down last minute, tells her the most terrible things about me and NM, blames me for everything and messes with her head
But I can now see all the signs in her, she is on tenterhooks when he is around, always worrying how he is, treading on eggshells when she talks to him, and constantly reassuring him
She seems to like NM but is clearly torn and feels she is betraying her father

My heart is breaking seeing my bright confident little girl being worn down by his constant games ....I have bent over backwards to maintain contact always on his terms always at my house, letting him mess with my head mess me about, I have tried putting my foot down, I dont know where to go from here

Am waiting for my expensive solicitor to get back to me about the next step - my STBXH responds sensibly via his solicitor to all suggestions re access but is yet to actually stick to any of it and then somehow turns it around to me being mad and unreasonable (I'm not BTW if anyone is wondering)
I have had some social services contact when STBXH was violent and got arrested, they were ok TBH though am loath to involve them

Any advice/suggestions am feeling a bit lost

I think it's time you shared your concerns to someone in an official capacity - and a social worker may be the best starting point (or a referral from your GP to some sort of paediatric mental health professional?).

Your concerns seem very valid, and it can't carry on. If someone was able to provide a report indicating the extent of the negative effect of your Ex's behaviour on your DD, you could use that in restricting/amending contact.

Poor you - what a nightmare.

bump

does STBXDH stand for

stupid twating bastard?

Stop his contact, he is a nutcase.
Poor little girl

arsehole.

I think contact stops until formal decisions have been made.... a court will take a 7yr old's opinion into account through a CAFCASS report

It may be the only way to protect her

It's bad how women suffering emotional abuse can get taken seriously

However nobody steps in to stop a bloke doing it to his kid

Shameful behaviour and the courts ought to bloody well stop him seeing her

Only - id say Soon To Be X Dear Husband!

Its really hard isnt it McD, I mean the ideal situation would be for her to have two parents who get on and she knows both love her. BUT long term his games sound quite damaging to me...and she will grow up to be attracted to men who behave in a similar way.

I would say you need a counsellor of some kind, I know an ex had an abusive father and had some kind of famioly/behaviour therapy to help him cope. I think also just keep telling her that she has done nothing wrong.

Hes a b*rstard isnt he - its not like you havent given him enough chances.

I mean the law re access v prejudiced to allowing blokes like this to hurt their kids. Not you Mac

I would talk to your DD and tell her that's ok to be happy and make her own decisions about stuff, her opinions count and she's (although not a grown up) a big girl and you love her very much and you value what she thinks.

I would contact solictior, and insist that contact is stopped until done through formal channels. Not fair for him to be abusing his position and worry her.

Good Luck and be strong - dont let him interfere with you and NM either.

STB should stand for what I said before. (it does in my case any way)

Her opinion will be that she wants to see him no matter what - she idolises him no matter what he does or says
I am going to ring the social worker tomorrow and ask her advice - though am terrified that this will spiral things out of my control
I have no idea how to protect her without breaking her heart, he will not listen to reason at all, while she was sobbing on the phone to him this morning, he was telling her he couldnt see her because I wanted to see my NM - not true I was in work all day today and NM has gone back to work offshore - he is punishing me for seeing NM on weekend and my dsis and mother coming to look after girls (who they both adore)
Am so tired of justifying myself to him, its none of his business, but he just uses it as an excuse to let DD1 down and blame me
I had to arrange last minute child care for DD2 and leave work early to pick DD1 up from school - this is not the first time he has let me and her down last minute (monday has always been his day and she is well aware of that )

God this is awful for you both

I wish I knew the answer

This sort of situation makes me furious,

Fwiw I think it's important that she knows you don't think it's ok he hurts her like this

stop bending over backwards for him

only do what SHE asks you to do iyswim

He has no rights, she has rights ie to see her dad
But it's none of it about him

I expect you know this already xx

My ex idolised his father despite the fact he had seen him beat his mother numerous times...its really hard isnt it ideally you would like her to have regular contact with her Dad, but not if its going to be abusive.

I know its daunting, I dont think any of us would choose to involve SS but as you are already on their radar due to his previous behaviour im sure they will be pleased that you want to do whatever is best for her.

There are so many people on here who must have been through this...hopefully more will be along once the kids are in bed.

Can you make alternative arrangements for your DDs on Mondays so that you are not relying on him for childcare? Then if he sees DDs it is because he has made the effort to, rather than using the situation to manipulate you. When I was a lone parent I got to the point where I decided not to expect anything from my XH and it was liberating.

McD your poor dd as if HE hasn't already put her through enough.

I guess this is his last ditch attempt for him to force NM out of your life , he really has no concept of his creation of this at all does he
What damage he has inflicted on his family and left you to sort out

I hope someone with practical advice can come on here and help.

Your poor dd McD What a nasty man Unfortunately I think you may need some kind of statutory body to force him to alter his behaviour. I just spent the morning helping a lady draft a letter to her daughter who is now grown up with children of her own but still feels so damaged by the nasty things her father told her about her mother (when she was only 7 yrs of age)that she cannot have a relationship with either of them I know your situation is different and your dd knows she is much loved by you, but his emotional abuse of her is likely to have far reaching consequences if it continues. I know I'm only saying what you already know. You must feel so helpless After everything he's put you through, he continues to surpass himself What do you think you'll do? I don't know much about divorce. Does mediation provide for the childrens needs as well?

Oh Mac what a nightmare lovely - its taken so much for you too move on and now he has found another vulnerable point to hurt you with - and i do think that is what he is trying to do. Have you spoken to your dd about how she feels about things - obviously without guiding her. Also second talking to gp about next steps. Lots of reassurance and love for her, plenty of cuddles, tell her how very special she is etc.

Poor little girl - he is a complete shit for playing twisted mind games with a child. Bad enough the things he's done to you, but to use his own dd to score points against you is just the lowest of the low imo.
I agree with Wily - could you organise some counselling for her so she has someone impartial she can talk to about how she is feeling.
He is still her Dad at the end of the day (although he doesn't deserve her) and if you stop contact she may end up holding it against you and even idolising him more, but if you can help her at this early stage to understand the way he makes her feel and why he is doing this to her then hopefully she will grow up to see him for what he is.
He is just jealous and mad that he can't control you anymore. He is trying to get the control back by using your dd. Spiteful horrible man.

MacD - do you have any contacts in Children + Families that you could thrash this out with? They may be able to advise you how to proceed or what other options are available.

McD - this is awful but i bet it is more common than you think.

My lovely friend is still going through it with her x.

Her Dc do still 'blame' her for not allowing daddy to live with them (he had affair and as many chances as your h). It breaks her heart to see it but she knows in her heart she is not to blame and all she can hope is that one day they will see the truth for wha it is - although he will never admit to his fault in it all. It was made so much worse when NM came on scence too.

Try and stay calm and know that you are doing all you can.

My ex was the same..an absolute nightmare towards my DD and she was 7 when we divorced. I ensured that contact was brief, never overnight and fortnightly. He would ring and make her feel guilty and also talk to her about how lonley he was.. tosser! he got new DP and she was equally as vile to DD.
I made sure I chatted to DD A LOt about him and his way of dealing with her.. let her offload and tried not to force things....DD is now 13 and has decided to stop contact with her Dad after he rang her on Xmas day evening and told her to fuck off for not ringing him in the morning (a catalogue of other events too!!)
I am so relieved as the older she got the worse he became..a complete inability to relate to a lovely, bright and sparky teen.. he would have been a nightmare. She feels relieved and sad at the same time... he has not even bothered to text or ring to see if she is ok.. wanker!
I completely sympathise.. if I had to do it again I would have moved far far away and changed our name.

MacDoodle I assume you were listening to the convo. Is ir possible to record things like this ??

If there is any way you can record telephone conversations I would look into it asap.

I managed to listen in to a conversation between ds1 and someone who was trying to involve him in drug dealing. I wish I had been able to record it.

Maybe someone will have some experience/ideas.

This is about control, nothing else.
Poor you and your poor DD

Pull the contact and explain to your solicitor that you want him (due to the previous violence ect) to be in supervised contact and also that you want him to undergo a psychological assessment to prove he is a fit person to be around your child.
Psych assessment does include a test which shows propensity to abuse a child (in any way emotional or physical abuse ect)

I have done this with DS1's father and his solicitor did bump his gums something rotten but soon shut his pie hole when i mentioned assessment.. and mentioned a name of a psych i'd like to use, which showed him i meant business and had researched what i wanted to do... he KNEW ExP would fail miserably (he mentioned control issues himself to me during a private meeting to discuss contact being unsupervised.)

Watch solicitors pound signs drop from their eyes when you mention this and they will suddenly be very accommodating of your wishes, and your DD's wellbeing and feelings. State that you want the assessment as you are the parent with control and want to make sure DD's needs to be protected from harm are met.

Oh and CAFCASS should get involved they are trained SW's as well so will help you both to resolve the issue but will keep DD's best interests at heart no one elses... which will take a lot of the pressure off her x

Some really good advice here macd, particularly last couple of posts.

Plus I agree about trying to record conversations. Perhaps also keeping a diary of the things he says to her, the date, and the real reasons e.g. him blaming NM and you when in fact he has let her down on his access day because of his own choice.

Nasty evil b* to play mind games with his own daughter like this.

I actually don't think he's fit to parent her right now. He cannot distinguish his own hurt and anger from the need to put his child first and be a good parent.

(And if it wasn't for his affair, his child with another woman, his behaviour, his emotional and physical abuse - you wouldn't even be in this position. How bloody hard did you fight to try and save that marriage!!)

I'm so angry for you. I do think it's time this went further though, he is damaging dd and it can't be allowed to continue. I don't think you have much choice left. He can't be reasoned with.

Thinking of you. xx