I don't want another dc but my dh does (one of us has to lose this one , probably him)

[travellingwilbury]

Last year we had discussed having another child and we even tried for afew months but I then realised that I just didn't feel broody any more and at the end of the month when I wasn't pregnant I was pleased rather than sad . I knew my dh would be dissapointed but we talked about it and I thought he was ok with it.

Well last night he started talking about it again and I think he is hoping I will change my mind at some point . I really don't think I will but I feel bad for him .

I know there is no compromise to be met and I am just looking for any ideas to help him understand .

How many dc have you got?
Is he wanting to replicate his childhood or make up for something lacking in his childhood?
If it is issues like that influencing his desire to have another then could you reassure him that your family is unique and perfect just the way it is?

We have had 3 boys and he is one of 4 boys so maybe that has something to do with it. I know he would love a girl and we were even doing the whole diet and timing thing for a girl before.

Our first son died when he was 14mths and apart from my broodiness going I do think that I am reluctant to push my luck too much .

I think he just doesn't really "get" how I can be really broody and then it just go . He is being lovely about it but I can see he is sad about it .

oh dear. well, it's simple really, sadly. choices are 1. bring a child into the world that one of its parents didn't want or 2. don't bring a child into the world to the disappointment of one of the potential parents.

It's hard to not have a child that you would like to have, it is cruel to bring a child into the world that you do not want.

So I'd have to say, unless you both want a child, you shouldn't have one.

oh, I am sorry, I x-posted. I am really really sorry that you lost your son.

Thats my take on it as well Hecate . We have been lucky that all our children have been planned and we have both been really excited every time . I just don't want to do it unless I have that feeling in me about it .

Just a bummer for him .

I kept trying to tell him all the good things about not having any more , I have a long list in my head . He had an argument for all of them . I don't like feeling responsible for him being sad .

Thanks Hecate .

Can you suggest you talk about it again in 6 months? He may feel differently then, as may you.

You both need to be respectful of each other's wishes - which you obviously are already. I think that it is reasonable and respectful to agree to discuss it again - even if you're sure you won't change your views.

I think thats what he has done this time NL .It was last summer that we last talked about it . I think I may well say that to , just worried about giving him false hope I suppose .

Hmmm - it does sound like that's what he's done - but I don't think it's giving false hope to lovingly say 'we both know where we are on this now and we'll talk again in 6 months to see if that is still our position'. That's honest and clear and actually reduces the chance of each of you interpreting any little thing said as evidence of a change of heart - now that would be false hope!

Thanks NL ,this being a grown up malarkey is rubbish sometimes .

I just figure if we don't have one then its just one person sad but if we do have one then we could all end up in a mess .

Being a grown up certainly isn't as easy as it looked!

What you say about you all ending up in a mess - may I ask (and just ignore me if you wish) how much have you talked about the part your son's death plays in dh wanting another child and you not? Is there a part of dh that is trying to rebuild a lost part of your family do you think - or did he always want a large family. It's just if it is his grief that's a driving force behind this - well there may be other ways for him to manage that aside from having another child. Likewisein your shoes I think not wanting to push your luck is very understandable and reasonable - but it isn't the only reasonable approach to take iyswim. It's one way - but not the only way.

Sorry had to disappear last night . I think my dh has always wanted a big family . We do talk about our son a lot and I don't think that is a reason on his side to keep going with the family thing . I think if it is affecting anyone then it is me wanting to cut my losses . We have now got two gorgeous healthy boys and maybe we should just be thankful for that .

I suppose that whenever any of us decide to have a child we are risking our hearts aren't we? The majority of us are lucky enough to not have to realise that though. You don't have that 'innocence' and I think your instinct for self preservation, to cut your losses, must be very strong. It would have to be one hell of a broody fit to overcome it. I assume your dh has overcome those feelings though- to want to carry on expanding the brood - do you know how he has done that? Just think it would be an interesting pespective.

I think for him he just has a naivety (sp?)
about it that I don't . He has managed to convince himself that it just wouldn't happen again . Our son had a chromosome disorder that although wasn't life limiting in itself it was incredibly rare so I think for him he always blames that rather than him being ill . Basically his lungs just closed down and stopped working which didn't have any rhyme or reason .

I actually envy him the simplicity of his thinking sometimes . But for me I just can't get over that "what if ?" . He was our first child and it did take a lot for us to go on to have two more children and I think I am just thankful to have got this far .

Thanks for listening to me ramble on by the way , it has helped .

am sorry for the loss of your son but i can understand where you are coming from (although have never lost a child). i am happy that I have two happy and healthy children and that's enough for me. no broodiness etc. My family was me and my sister so have no experience of a large family but my exh had 5 siblings, but he was more than happy with the two dc we have and no desire to have more due to his background.

no constructive advice i'm afraid but hopefully you will find some support on here.

Thank you MH . I think that the bottom line is like you the broodiness has just gone . Just wish I could make my dhs broodiness go too .

I don't think you can make it go. You just have to tell him how you feel and he has to understand how far you've come already. You can only venture so much - and like I said without the broody urge - there's nothing to inspire you on is there? I think with a bit more time one of you may find your position change though - where you are now is in differnt places iyswim - but that doesn't set the rule for the rest of your lives.
Don't worry about rambling on either I can ramble for Britain myself

Thanks NL , I think I will do the 6 months time thing and hope he has changed his mind .

Knowing my luck he will have and I will be brrody as hell