dealing with my manipulative, controlling and hyper sensitive mum. tell me what you think of this...

[noonar]

it was dd1's seventh birthday party on saturday. she a had a joint disco with a friend and dh and i worked very hard to create a lively fun event, with, unsurprisingly, pop music played at a reasonable volume.

my mum is a totally impractical person, who'd be of no hands-on use at this type of event, but i thought she'd just like to hang out with the children- she's v child centered.

anyway, mum is the ultimate lentil weaver, and spent the whole time with a pained look of disgust on her face. she kept complaining about the music to me and dh and made me feel uncomfortable as she was clearly hating the whole exp, and making me feel responsible for lack of enjoyment. she wouldnt go though, as she said it was her only opportunity to see her neices, who were visiting for the day

at one point i did tell her she could go home if she didnt like it, and that i had worked v hard so wouldve liked to hear some positive comments.

trouble is, i'm really really pissed off with her still... and its dd's actual birthday tomorrow. the inlaws and a couple of neighbours' children are popping in for cake. i simply dont want my mum to be there as i am still annoyed with her.

i just feel that she is a very manipulative person. she often does this. and has a tendency to look sullen and goes silent and weepy if she feels out of her comfort zone at big family gatherings or if something is not to her taste.

i'm fed up with her.

i'd feel bad not to invite her. if i tell her how i feel she'll just spend the whole of dd's tea looking pained and hurt.

any advice??

OMG have just googled passive aggression. No bloody wonder she's so hard to deal with! she's a classic case.

you have my sympathies noonar, it sounds v difficult, my MiL is manipulative and does the whole pained expression thing if at events she hasn't got full on stimulation and is being entertained. Sits there on her own with a face like a wet haddock making everyone lese either annoyed, self-conscious or gulty. She thinks people should wait on her I think. She makes NO effort to socilise and chat. If my Dads there too he makes sterling efforts to involve her but I think even he's getting worn down by her.

She's the opposite to your Mum, lentils OMG!! She'll only eat plain chicken, turkey, bee, chips, boilde potatoes and overbolied veg WITH NO SAUCE. She won't eat pasta, salad, pizza, casserole, most soups or "any of that foreign muck". We can't take her put for a meal unless it's a carvery (I'm veggie) and she expects me/dh to make her something separate when she comes round as "she won't eat all the fuuny sort of food you eat". I treat her eating habits like I would my 2.5 yr old dd and just put small portions down of what we're having and ask her to try it. Arghhhh and she makes comments about the "funny food" to dd as well, I've just remembered just re-inforcing dds fadiness e.g "oh I'm not surpised she doesn't like that, tastes like sick.." and "urghhh" after having a mouthful maybe of some veggie shepherds pie!!

Sorry to rant on, in terms of the socilising thing, I HATE big groups of people I don't know and get physically wrought with anxiety before weddings etc. But do you know what, I'm an adult, I'm mature, I put my warpaint on and my best outfit and go out and smile and socialise because that's what it's polite and socially acceptable to do! And half the time I do actually enjoy myself (unless it's a gathering of the ILs )

minx, thanks for your post. am so glad i'm not alone, but sorry for your troubles!

mum left me a weepy sounding, almost inaudible answerphone msg today. i just deleted it without listening to it

Minx, I'm sorry, I know its beeF but I can imagine MiL insisting on "bee". And you having to slice it neatly.

Sorry, I'll get me coat.

I do sympathise actually.

I know cat, just re-read it! But it's the sort of ludicrous thing she'd come out with!!

She also says "I don't like x so I've never tried it"...WTF!!