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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

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20 replies

MrsMattie · 09/03/2009 11:02

Wasn't sure where to put this. It is an extremely awkward situation, and I really want to know what to do for the best.

When we were in our late teens, my sister's best friend was gang raped by three boys we had grown up with and were supposedly friends with. She reported it to the police (who were great) had the necessary medical examinations, made a statement etc. However, she decided not to proceed with things, so the boys were never arrested and there were never any consequences for them. In fact, the only people who knew about the attack were the girl, her mum, me and my family, and the police. The attackers carried on their normal lives.

Over the years, my sister and this girl drifted apart. We no longer see her. My sister and I had both moved form the area we grew up in some years ago, too, so didn't see the attackers either. However, recently, we have been to two parties of old friends where the attackers have also been invited. It has been extremely difficult to know how to deal with them. So far we have managed to avoid talking to two of them. One of them came over to say hello and I was extremely cool with him and thought he had got the message, but he later requested me as a friend on facebook and sent me a message about 'the good old day's. Bear in mind, these men (as they are now grown up men in their 30s) do NOT know that we know what they did.

We have got a good childhood friend's birthday coming up and I know they will be there. How do me and my sister play it? We have discussed the options at length - not going to the party (would be very upsetting for our friend), blanking them completely (they would want to know why), letting them know discreetly that we know (how? Would this really work?). personally, I feel like screaming 'RAPISTS!' in their faces (I had months and months of extreme anger and rages at the time this happened and fantasisied about doing all manner of awful things to them ).

What would you do?

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 09/03/2009 11:05

Gosh, tough one
I think I would have to let them know that I know, tbh. Preferably before the party.
Then it is up to them how they proceed.

warthog · 09/03/2009 11:05

how difficult.

well, firstly, block them on facebook.

i think i would play it very cool and if they persisted then say quietly 'i know what you did, so i strongly advise you to leave me alone.'. but i don't know if that's the wisest thing to do...

i would also feel like running them over.

piratecat · 09/03/2009 11:06

very tricky, but i would go in support of the friend's party. I would avoid these two men.

Does the freind of you sister know you have been invited, would it feel awkward with you and her, or is she not part of the picture anymore? Is it like a reunion?

tiggerlovestobounce · 09/03/2009 11:07

Its difficult isnt it. I am in a similar situation of knowing terrible things about someone, and finding it hard to know how to deal with them.
I dont know what the right answer is? I think that avoiding the party would be the wrong thing to do, because it would upset your friend.
Apart from that, I donk know. I hope that you manage to find a good way of dealing with it.

warthog · 09/03/2009 11:08

also, thinking about it if you did tell him you knew, i wouldn't put it past him to make you spell it out. so be prepared if you go down that route. don't allow him to bully you into embarrassed silence and forced friendship.

Gorionine · 09/03/2009 11:12

What a terrible situation to be in

When you say:""blanking them completely (they would want to know why),"" who do you mean by "they", the boys or the friends who invited you?

I think, if I was feeling strong enough, I would go and ignore them. If they do not get the message and ask you why you are avoiding them just let them know that the good old days have not been so good for all of you, that you are only at the party for the person who invited you but have no desire whatsoever to keep in touch with them(the boys).

Saying that, I would not blame you for not going at all as it must be terribly hard to forget what happened in the past between them and your sisters friend.

solidgoldbrass · 09/03/2009 11:13

Certainly ignore him on facebook. Otherwise, this is a very difficult situation for you legally as well as psychologically. Please note that I am not in the least doubting that your sister's friend was raped by these men but a person is innocent until proven guilty, these men were not charged at the time with the offence, and if you were to start telling other people about it, they would have grounds to take legal action against you (and might just do so).
But I think warthog might have the best idea: saying quietly to the men in question 'I know about [friend's name] and what you did. That's why I don't want to be friendly with you. So leave me alone.' Though it might be best to do this via email or something, just in case the men get hostile about it ie deny it was them or say that the girl consented or something offensive. Doing it face to face ie at the paty could lead to a huge and unpleasant scene which would be unfair on the party hosts, who presumably know nothing about the incident and are not to blame for any of it.

Original poster

MrsMattie · 09/03/2009 11:13

It's a very dear childhood friends 30th, so it would be quite out of order not to go.

We don't see the girl who was attacked anymore. She has moved away and I heard recently she is married with a son and is getting on with her life (thankfully).

I would just feel liek a complete and utter sell out, disloyal friend and despicable human being if I had to be in any way friendly to these men, but I also feel duty bound not to cause a scene or bad feeling at my friend's party, and also to let it lie out of respect for the girl who was attacked. At the time I had a very hard time accepting her decision not to press charges, but now that I am more mature, I understand her reasons (not saying I agree, but I do understand) and I don't want to make her the subject of some great drama when she has dealt with this her own way and moved on with her life....

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Original poster

MrsMattie · 09/03/2009 11:16

solidbrass - I hear what you're saying re: the whole legal thing. I have never told anyone else about the attack - partly because it was not my personal business and have no wish to gossip about such a terrible thing, but also because I have always been aware that they were never charged with anything.

The most upsetting thing is that after she was attacked, she came straight to our house. I saw her immediately afte rit happened,me and my sister accompanied her to the police station and were the one's who had to tell her mum...God, it was absolutely awful and I have no doubt she telling the truth.

The more I think about it, the more I think I can't actually face them.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMattie · 09/03/2009 11:17

Excuse typos

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piratecat · 09/03/2009 11:20

Then you go, you stay away from the two men. Very difficult, very hard, but I would totally ignore these men, and make a point out of staying out of thier way.
if one came up and said hi, and you felt strong enough and it was just you two, then i would say, 'I would rather not speak to you' and move along to speak to someone, any one else.
I don't think either one of them would take ask for an explanation in that situation, do you? Depends on what sort of 'men' they are now. If questioned, i would probably say, 'I would rather not discuss the reasons why' ...

piratecat · 09/03/2009 11:23

If it's that upsetting, then don't go. Ring your dear friend on the day(does the dear freind know anything of this? i am thinking not)and invent a mystery illness, and arrange to meet up.

You don't 'have' to do this if it's too upsetting. If your friend is a good un, then he/she will understand if you are ill surely?

Gorionine · 09/03/2009 11:28

I think Piratcat is probably right, you can be really cold with them but do not have to tell them why. After all, you are entiteled to choose the company you want to keep, they cannot impose their friendship if you do not want them to!

If you really do not want to be in a situation where you have to face them, can you at all make a polite excuse to your friend ans tell her you will go out for a drink with her instead and she can tell you all the gossip about the party?

wannaBe · 09/03/2009 11:33

You must go.

They have done a terrible thing and have essentially walked away from it unscathed. Your friend has got on with her life, by not going to the party you are essentially still letting them influence yours. They're not worth that.

Go to the party and ignore them. If they approach you then I would let it be known that you know what happened and tell them to leave you alone.

But don't let their actions of years ago dictate who you do and do not socialize with just because they will be there. How old were you all when this happened btw?

kitsmummy · 09/03/2009 11:33

They're obviously vile, evil human beings, I'd be worried they'd try and punish you if you say anything to them. Also, couldn't they still be a danger to all women? I don't know what to suggest but I'd have concerns other than just whether to speak to them or not.

warthog · 09/03/2009 12:35

i agree kitsmummy, but to live in fear of them is to give them more power that they don't deserve.

Original poster

MrsMattie · 09/03/2009 13:03

Sorry, had to dash off to a meeting at DS's nursery!

We were 18/19. Now all in our early 30's. One of the men has got daughters himself, now. I wonder how he squares that with himself?

Thanks for all your replies. I will have a good, long think about it and discuss again with my sister...

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hereidrawtheline · 09/03/2009 13:12

MrsMattie I was wondering if the men had any daughters. Either he cant look himself in the mirror or he abuses them, or something entirely different, who knows. Maybe he has no conscience. Either way it is a fucking horrible thing to do to someone.

I would go to the party I think. And be very very cold and distant. You could probably manage it so they didnt have the nerve to ask you why you why you were being so cold and distant.

My fear of saying the truth to the men is that it could really hurt the woman they raped if it got back to her somehow. She has pieced her life together and hopefully moved on as much as possible. Also if they are "respectable" family men now who knows if they might not do something drastic to save their reputations. I am not trying to scare monger, it is just my own fear. I would go but be cold as ice and walk away and be rude. They wont have the courage to ask you why.

solidgoldbrass · 09/03/2009 21:04

MrsMattie: I do sympathise. I was put in a similar position a couple of years back and I made what I now think was the wrong decision (ie attending a party where I would encounter someone who did something awful but was not convicted of it).

tiredsville · 09/03/2009 21:30

Assumimng he has his own email address, I agree with solidgold, sending an email saying 'your friend took refuge to your house after being attacked and for this reason you wish not to be approached or spoken to at the party for the sake of peace on your friends birthday'.
Explain nothing is up for discuusion and you don't want to here his side of the story, you want things left how they are. You stay out my way and I will stay out of yours.

I'm picking out straws Mrs Mattie, only you will know the correct way of handling this, really sorry you are being put in this position

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