I'm reporting my dad's dangerous driving and now he won't speak to me

[badaboombadaboom]

My sister and I came to the conclusion recently that my 78 yr dads driving had deteriorated quite a lot and were concerned he might injure himself or others. As he lives in California we decided the best course of action was to inform the Department of Motor Vehicles (which issues driver's licenses) which would call him in for an objective evaluation. If he passes, fine, if not, he loses his license.

Anyway in the course of looking into this, we spoke to a friend of his who drives with him sometimes for her input before raising the issue with him. What she said confirmed our thoughts, but she then told him immediately that we were going to report him. He is now absolutely furious with both of us "I have no daughters!! never contact me again!!, etc.

DH has described to me how we could have handled the issue more slowly and diplomatically. However patience and diplomacy are not strong traits in our family, and in any case, well, here we are.

Has anyone gone through something similar? I think we are doing the right thing, but I hate to think that I've upset him so much and I don't know what to do to repair the relationship now. Any thoughts?

Hmm. it is something that I have thought about with my 82 yr old dad. However, i think your big mistake was not to discuss it with him at first. Though, as you say, here you are. Are you in CA with him? If so, and if he fails the test, could you offer to drive him around as much as poss?

I'm not in CA, though my sister is. One reason I contacted his friend was to get another view on the ground, but also to see if she would be willing to drive when they both went out (she is, if he would let her). I tried to call him right after speaking to her, but he was out, so this might have been avoided.

There is a free senior minibus service and a good normal bus service, so mobility won't be a big issue, but it would be some loss of independence. And now the conversation isnt about driving but about his deceitful disloyal daughters...

I'm sure he'll come round it's just been a shock, he'll feel his pride's hurt.

You've done the right thing and no doubt you've already voiced your concerns to him?

I'm not saying that your Dad should be allowed to drive if he is a danger BUT I imagine he feels really betrayed by the pair of you. In essence you have ganged up on him and been asking about his driving behind his back in order to report him to the authorities. As you've said you realise that you could have handled things better and perhaps realising how much you were going to hurt your Dad should have been foremost in your mind.

As for how you are going to repair your relationship well I imagine that it is going to take quite some time to earn back his trust so you'll have to take things slowly and perhaps promise that you won't do anything like this again in the future and treat him like the adult that he is.

to be honest oatcake, hurting my dad's feelings was not and is not upermost in my mind. I am more concerned about injury to himself and innocent people on the road (and pavement) given the state of his driving. A few years back an elderly driver confused brake and accelerator and killed 10 people at a farmer's market in California not far from where he lives. I'm angry at him for thinking that his right to drive is more important than the risk he may pose to others. All I want is an objective assessment, and am happy to be proved wrong.

Gosh, sounds like neither he nor I are putting a particularly high value on our relationship. Runs in the family I guess...

Hello

I was in a similar position to you - we suspected that my dad was suffering from Huntington's Disease which is genetic and runs in our family. The illness causes poor co-ordination/uncontrolled movements and poor concentration. Unfortunately my dad refused to see a doctor since 1977 - so we had no concrete diagnosis at that point.

Anyway dad's driving was becoming more and more erratic, nobody would travel with him in the car and he was even reported to the police by TESCO staff for drink driving. (He had not been drinking but patients with Huntington's Disease would appear drunk to unknowing strangers).

So eventually I contacted the Licensing Authority and asked their advice...they could do nothing on my say so but would need a medical report from the family doctor...who dad would not see!! My mum was terminally ill at this point so there were medical personnel in the house every day to see mum so they then also observed dad and sent the report off. We told my dad nothing of this...until the letter came through requesting he surrender the licence...and it simply said that his GP had been in touch to report that they thought dad should no longer be driving.

Dad was only 56 and he saw the licence withdrawal as being a judgement on his driving skills...he kept saying that he didn't have any speeding points, never been in an accident etc. It took a great deal of chats with the medical people to help dad realise that the illness was the only reason he was no longer safe to drive.

What I am trying to get round to saying was much what you said yourself. I had stopped my son from going in the car with my dad...nobody in the family would go in the car with him. BUT I had a responsability for the safety of the wider community - and that had to take precedence over dad's hurt feelings. I could not have lived with myself if he had killed someone...or himself.

Sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

I reported my Dad and talked about it on this thread

I thought about reporting my FIL but thankfuly he relinquished his licence before I had a chance to.

It was a sad day for him, driving had been a big part of his life and was hugely tied up with his feelings of indepdendence and vitality.

You made a mistake not discussing it with your dad first and no matter what you say about his feelings not being your priority they should have been.

Personally, I think you owe him an apology and that is perhaps what you need to do now in order to resolve this.

Thing is though, it means much more to him than a car. It may well be the end to his independance.

Same happening with my FIL. We will not now let our DCs go in the car with him and have asked FIL not to drive outside his local area and just come on the train to see us.

He refuses and continue to drive but we know he cannot see very well and his peripheral vison is especially bad. He often misses junctions, gets lost in large car parks where he cannot immediatley see the exit and is unaware of cyclists coming up his near side. He is 75.

He sees it as a loss of independence but he lives with my MIL in an area with fantastic 24 hour bus servces and excellent local taxis so it is not a problem.

Not sure what to do without causing a family rift. He has never had an accident so he thinks he is fine. My BIL also does not help as both FIL and BIL are mad about cars and and BIL says he is fine but he never goes in the car with FIL so he does not know how bad he is.

I do not drive and neither does my wife so we are not on strong ground to argue on driving skills.

With an increasingly ageing and relativley well off population that are used to driving this is going to become a major problem.

All I can say to the OP is stick it out - your Dad will come round. Maybe if you contacted his friend again and enlisted her help.

You did the right thing. Sadly think this is one area where peoples feelings have to come second - the risks are just too great. An old chap sailed past a "give way" sign straight in front of us the other day. He didnt even look. Luckily DH is a careful driver and managed to do an emergency stop as we were going slowly. If we had been going even a little faster we would have crashed. The old man was oblivious. So dangerous, should not have been on the road.

Think its a male pride thing. In that generation many of the women didnt drive, and transporting the family around was a main part of the "man's" role (certainly the case for my grandparents and DH's). So taking away the ability to drive hits hard. But, well, tough.