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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone have any experience of this? Sorry Long!

47 replies

INeedAdvice · 07/03/2009 17:18

Have known dh for quite a while and have been married for 6 years and have 2 dcs.

I have on several occasions, I have discovered information on gay/bisexual dating sites and msn conversations that he has had with other men.

I started a thread almost a year ago about this but thought we had sorted everything out.

Last night, everything came out in the open, he admitted he was bisexual and always had been but that he loved me and our children and did not want to lose us.
I said that deep down, I already knew but still loved him and that he was still the same man that I fell in love all these years ago.
He was expecting me to ask him to leave and I think we were both surprised by my reaction to what he told me.

Today, I suppose the reality is beginning to hit home and know I have a lot of questions that I want to ask, but I don't want to hear the answers to, if that makes sense.

If he does love me, then I don't want him to leave as I love him so much, but I don't know if I can stay "happily" married to someone who I am always going to wonder what he is up to/who is he meeting.
Do we stay married long enough for our children to grow up, I think we are basically still very happy together and despite what has happened in the past.

Is there anyone out there in a similar situation and how is the best way to deal with it?

thanks

OP posts:

FannyWaglour · 07/03/2009 23:09

That I would take as bordering onto infidelity, but again, I dont think the gender is relevant.

FannyWaglour · 07/03/2009 23:09

that was to AnyFucker

AnyFucker · 07/03/2009 23:11

and this latest revelation is what would be worrying me most if I were in the OP's position-the dating sites and msn chats

FannyWaglour · 07/03/2009 23:14

I agree. That would worry me, in the same manner it would worry me if my dh was looking for women on dating sites. He seems to either just be trying to fuel some male fantasies, or about to take a leap.

He will either have to keep off these sites and let this go, like a heterosexual man looking for women on line would have to, as it jeopardizes his marriage and his family.

Being a bisexual is not an excuse to go fuck somebody. There is no such thing as "oh, I just fancied a shag with the same gender, nothing to do with my wife." It is cheating.

FannyWaglour · 07/03/2009 23:14

He will either have to keep off these sites and let this go, like a heterosexual man looking for women on line would have to, as it jeopardizes his marriage and his family.

Being a bisexual is not an excuse to go fuck somebody. There is no such thing as "oh, I just fancied a shag with the same gender, nothing to do with my wife." It is cheating.

FannyWaglour · 07/03/2009 23:14

sorry double posted.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2009 23:16

worth saying twice

N1 · 07/03/2009 23:45

I agree, worth saying twice. I can't better that.

lou33 · 07/03/2009 23:54

fanny makes a lot of sense

LoveBeingAMummy · 08/03/2009 05:07

For me I kinda agree with IB and anyfucker!

I believe from what you ahve said that not cheating is something you both believe in, being bi or even just curious is not an 'excuse' to cheat. Regardless of how many people he may find attractive and for the various reasons, he made a commitment to you, he promised to be faithful to you. For me that is where you need to start, by being honest is he actually saying he wants to now experience it?

LoveBeingAMummy · 08/03/2009 05:11

Sorry thread had moved on a little since i went to bed - fanny agree with you TOALLY

Lulumama · 08/03/2009 08:24

ib, i don;t think it is narrow minded for a married woman to want her husband to stay faithful and not use dating sites

open relationships are all well and good , if both partners want one, and like you and oyur DH it is discussed before marriage.

i agree with fanny, and the OP an dher DH have lots of serious talking to do

as i posted earlier, they might make a better team, as divorced amicably parents, with him free to be with a man if he wants. rather than clandestine sneaking and lying that is clearly upsetting the OP

Original poster

INeedAdvice · 08/03/2009 10:08

We talked a lot last night and dh has told me that sometimes he is attracted to men but that he loves me and is attracted to me.

Our life together is good in all aspects, trying to be discrete for this time on a sunday morning!

He assures me that he has never done anything and I trust him and for the time being, I don't think that my trust is misguided.

We both want to stay together and this isn't just because we have children, we love each other and don't want to be with anyone else.

Until people are in this situation, it is too easy for them to say, "leave him, you won't be happy, he'll end up leaving you for a man". You aren't living in my marriage and unless you have gone through this experience personally, you can't tell what your reactions/feelings are going to be.

I was shocked when he confirmed what I always sort of knew, but my initial reaction was not "right that's it, get out now" but how much I still loved him and wanted to be with him.
And for that, I think we have something worth staying together for, especially when he told me he felt the same.

There are several issues regarding dh's childhood, which may be at the root of this but it isn't for me to discuss them on a public forum. I am not making excuses for him but he didn't have the happiest of childhoods.

OP posts:

violethill · 08/03/2009 11:18

INeedAdvice - you seem to have a very strong relationship with your DH. I agree with the post which said the only thing that has changed is that he has been able to talk honestly to you. Nothing else has changed, he is still the person you married. Honesty is key to a good meaningful relationship. If you keep communicating, you will be able to keep your marriage alive if that's what you choose - maybe more alive and richer and more fulfilling than many other marriages. I would bet money that the marriages which seem to sail along perfectly without a hitch are probably marriages where there isn't the depth of relationship you have with your DH. It's also important to remember that any long term relationship will involve both partners changing and growing - that's a part of life. If you meet your life partner at a young age, you either grow closer through the ups and downs of life or you grow apart. No one stands still.

Lulumama · 08/03/2009 12:45

well, i wish you all the best.

i suppose for me, the niggling doubt would be why he was on dating sites and having MSN convos,especially as it happened before, but if you are strong and both willing to work through ti , then go for it. you know each other better than any of us

cheekysealion · 08/03/2009 13:19

before you knew this and saw he had been on the sites- what kind of things that he did/said made you think he may have feelings for men?

Original poster

INeedAdvice · 08/03/2009 15:03

It was finding the sites on our computer that alerted me, I then went through his mobile phone and discovered text messages.

There has not been any activity for months and I thought that it was over, his curiosity.

He has been supporting a colleague through a custody battle and I think this is what brought the prospect of losing myself and our dc's to the fore.

He has become increasingly stressed and he has said that he has wanted to tell me for a while but was worried how I would react, but he couldn't keep it to himself any longer.

violethill have just read your post to dh and we both agree with what you have said, everything you have said makes so much sense.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 18:12

INA, has he said he will no longer use the dating sites and cut off all contact with his msn buddies?

and how is he going to prove that to you?

I really, really don't mean to badger you and I know you have had a good talk but this has a feeling of "unfinished business" to me.....

Original poster

INeedAdvice · 08/03/2009 18:25

Because of what dh does (workwise) I know he has no access to a lot of internet sites and I can easily check up on mobile phone texts even if they have been deleted from his phone.

He stands to lose far more than I will if we do split up and he is aware of what I expect from him in order for us to remain married.

AF if I was reading this, I would have the same reactions as you and others have had.

But he assures me that since I reset all his passwords on his email accounts and changed certain things, he has not gone online.

I have to trust him and hope that we can work through this.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 18:33

ok, sorry, I didn't mean to hound you for the details

my best wishes to you and your dh

Original poster

INeedAdvice · 08/03/2009 18:45

don't worry about it, you didn't really hound me for details at all.

have to admit to playing Billy Brown by Mika very loudly today though and drinking far too much wine last night!!

If I didn't love the bugger so much, probably very poor choice of word to describe dh, it would be very easy to tell him to leave.

OP posts:

violethill · 08/03/2009 18:50

Your sense of humour is intact which is good!

I think you've had a shock, but I think the shock has been equal for your DH (in terms of the wake up call, imagining life without you). Once you get over that, you'll realise that nothing has changed, you just know more about what your DH is feeling, which has to be a good thing.

FWIW, many men have complex feelings about other men. Try to remember that sexuality is a spectrum, with 100% gay and 100% straight at each end but with every possible nuance inbetween. That may help you get it in perspective. I have a close male friend who felt totally straight until he was around 30 years old, and then started to have bi feelings. Sexuality isn't a static thing. Communication, love and respect are the key things.

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