You'll never get the privilege of having sex with me again ...... ever.

[Showmeheaven]

That's what I feel like saying to my dh right now. I feel so rejected. He's been avoiding sex since Christmas (coming to bed late, getting up early etc). The last time I iniatated it ... he went along with it but I knew he wasn't enjoying it. It felt like I raped him or something.

Neither of us has ever had a high sex drive, but we used to make the effort once a month or so. And now we don't even do that and I miss it

This morning the kids were downstairs engrossed in a movie. We didn't have to get up early and I thought, he'll definately make a move. NO. He got up, got dressed and went downstairs. When I came down with a face on me he asked "What are you doing up, I thought you were asleep"? Yeah right.

I feel SO hurt and angry . If I could manage to go without it for a year or two I would, just to let him know what rejection feels like. But I know the next time I have a glass of wine I'll cave in and be all over him like a rash.

I'd have an affair, but I doubt he'd care. Strange thing is other than this we have a good marriage

Anyone any ideas/opinions/experience ???

perhaps there is something wrong with him? depressed? stressed? did he get an erection ok? was it normal? maybe he's having physical problems?

If he has been fine until christmas and now he's gone off it, instead of being cross, perhaps figure out WHY and what you can do (together) about it?

could you get a babysitter, go out for a meal and talk to him about it?

I agree with what Hecates said, it's definately something you need to talk about

He's not depressed, he's quite a happy chap most of the time. We have talked about it before (more like me talking and him listening). I've told him if we don't use it, we'll lose it! He has no problems getting an erection, has has a wonderful penis , he just needs to share it!!

I'm reluctant to have a "serious talk" about it because if I do I'll just be forcing him into it and I don't see the point of that. I want him to want it too iykwim

I know he has a bit of a repressed attitude to sex. I've tried to jolt him out of it by trying to get him to be more open and less embarrassed about it, but I'd say its part of the problem. We are each other's one and only, so neither of us have any other experience ....

He'd be quite happy to live without it if I was in agreement

you can talk about it as long as you don't start telling him what he needs to do. I suspectthe reason you didn'tget much out of him last time is because you are telling him rather than listening.And whilst you are hurt planning how to get even isn't really helpful

If you ask him questions rather than trying to get him to agree with you then you may get a better result.
If it were me I would say along the lines of
' i miss being intimate and i miss the closeness. Is that not something you want anymore.I'm not trying to pressure you but it will be easier if I can understand.'
If he can explain then you may be able to find a way forward

Yea, you're right Pagwatch. I have said the above to him, but he doesn't say anything back. I'll have to talk to him again.

And its the intimacy I miss more than the sex tbh. He's not a tactile person so the only time I get hugs & kisses is when we have sex. He's a lovely guy, but kind of cold emotionally ... he doesn't need it himself so he doesn't think anyone else needs it!

i hope you work it out

why dont you talk and see if he would be happy to start slowly with affection only etc .. hugs, kisses and see how that goes so he doesnt feel pressured and you still get the feeling of closeness?

Ah yes, me too. Was going to post about this issue today myself and have posted a similar post before (under this name change I think.) I know exactly how you feel. We have talked about it, fairly sensitively I think, I have tried to make 'dates' to keep things going, I have worn the most brazenly tarty outfits, we have watched porn, I have tried giving up altogether to take the pressure off and then see what happens (nothing) but the bottom line is my DH has no sex drive at all. Like yours, he can get an erection no problem if he needs to but just doenst seem to ever think of having sex. Since DC 2 I can't be bothered either, too knackered and crappy self esteem and so with me having given up on it all we have gone 18 months now without sex. He NEVER initiates. Hasnt done for the last 4 years. Tis well and truly crap.

Recently tho I came across something and it may have shed some light on our situation...may just be relevant to you. My DH is on medication for an on-going health condition and I have found out that it can affect libido in long term users. It kind of makes me feel better that if it is that, at least its not that he doesnt fancy me IYKWIM. On the down side tho, he wont be coming off the medication any time soon so the situation wont change.

Like you, I love him, we have children, he will have sex if I absolutely insist but it is horrible going-thro-the-motions sex. I wonder about an affair but its not my style, but I do worry what will happen when my sex drive returns. No dea how to handle this long term tbh.

None of which helps you Im afraid other than I know what you are going thro

'I'd have an affair, but I doubt he'd care. Strange thing is other than this we have a good marriage'

Surely a contradiction? You will end up having an affair, of course and tbh I don't blame you. Also, I hate to say it but is there any chance he's having an affair?

I hate to say this but because you are his one and only and you have been together for a while - is it possible that he has a crush on someone else / is thinking the grass is greener elsewhere because he is having / is thinking of having an affair? My H went off sex with me for this reason...

And is it affection as well as sex he is avoiding? If so, I'd be very suspicious of extra curricular activity.

He is definately not having an affair. I can say that with 100% certainty. He adores me and he would do anything for me, but this one thing is eluding him at the moment.

Wantawinge, he is on long-term medication for diabetes ... so you could be right about that, I never thought of it. Its thats the reason he probably doesn't know whats wrong himself

I feel a bit guilty now cause I've been ignoring him all day

My husband sounds just like yours (although he is very affectionate with handholding,hugs, kisses)

We have talked and rowed and discussed our sex life to death over the last 6/7 years. The discussions have ruined it cos now we're both so self conscious about who initiates it we never do it at all.

Having cried, sulked, begged, talked, not mentioned it, mentioned it a lot...i have finally given in and am getting it elsewhere.

I can't live without sex but I can't live without my husband.

Is a shit situation and I know i'll get totally flamed now but has taken so much pressure off us. I'm not ratty, he's nicer cos i'm not mithering him and we are getting on fantastically in every other way.

Just my experience...no advice for you.

justgaveup - does your husband know you are getting it elsewhere? Or suspect??

i have no idea. I would say that he doesn't appear to know or suspect, he's acting no differently (neither am I) but maybe he does suspect and is choosing to ignore for an easy life?

I honestly don't know.

Message withdrawn

Have you been at a stage where you are having sex every day (or every second day) in the last 3 years?

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am also in same situation and have spelt out how I feel. Has made no difference.

Meds for diabetes/diabetes definitely can cause impotence in men, normally affects those over 35/40 yrs.
He could be worried that it may not "happen" for him?

Well, I knew that complications from diabetes can cause problems with nerve endings and blood vessels, but I didn't realise this extends to erections. Medication can also cause a loss of desire as Pagwatch said.

We had a talk this morning. He admitted a lack of desire. I asked him what the reason was but he didn't know. I asked him if he was having normal erections, he said he was, but not as often. I then performed a experiment, for medical reasons and I was relieved to see he, ahem, stood to attention within a few minutes. We didn't have sex .... I didn't want to put him under any pressure.

He has an appointment at the diabetic clinic next month so he agreed to talk to the nurse about it - I know he'll find it extremely embarrassing, but he'll have to do it.

Yesterday I questioned whether or not to post this thread because I figured no-one could get inside my dh's head to find out what was wrong with him, but now, thanks to all of you, I now have a better idea of what the problem is and I cannot thank you enough of all your replies and support. Thank you all !