I frequently feel baffled by the arguments/what he calls discussions between me and XP. Bit of background, we are living in his house still, have recently split and I am moving out soon with DS who is 6 months. My older threads talk a bit more about the situation, but basically I feel he has been emotionally abusive, and he disgrees.
Today some forms arrived about the tax credits, end of joint claim etc. All fine. I mention child maintenace as they want proof of anything I am getting from him for Housing Benefit. I say to him that perhaps we could come to a voluntary arrangement, ensuring his tenner a week or so will go to DS and not the gov.
He says: "well it depends on access, doesn't it"
I say "Well, yes, of course. The amounts and so forth depend on access. But the general idea of a voluntary agreement seems a lot nicer, don't you think?"
Him: "Yes but it all depends on access and what you ant to do about that."
'Me: "i've been thinking about it, and I asked on MN. The general rule seems to be little and often, not 1 week on, 1 week off each. Babies need to be with their primary carer"
Him: "There's no reason why we wouldn't be joint promary carers, I'd be happy to do it full time if need be"
Me: (getting worried) "Yes but, I've been his main carer for the first six months of his life."
Him: "I've been around as well though, haven't I?'
Me: "Yes, of course you have. But I've been with him all the time, and you've only been there some of the time."
Him: "So?"
Me: "well, he needs his mum at this age. he needs security and familiarity, and I am the main person who cares for him."
Him: ...
Me: "Anyway, I've been thinking, that the best way is probably to arrange something temporary for now, for the next few weeks, that we are both happy with. And then wait until I am settled in (newtown, 30 miles away) and the emotions have died down a bit, and then talk again. If we can't agree on something then, we'll have to go to a mediator."
Him: "Yeah!" (looks as though he thinks this is likely)
Me: (carefully) "Because I don't think we can agree on anything at the moment, why you are angry with me (he nods) and I'm afraid of you.
Him: (changing manner completely) Oh don't be so ridiculous!
Me: "What?
Him: "What have I ever done to make you afraid of me?!"
Me: "I-"
Him: "That's just so ridiculous!"
Me: "me being afraid of you is ridiculous?"
Him: "yes!"
Me: (slowly, trying to remain calm and not shake) "Well, if I feel afraid of you, that's how I feel. That's my opinion"
Him: "Okay, then I'm afraid of you! I'm terrified of you. And that's my opinion. Can't you see how ridiculous that sounds?!"
Me: "I-"
Him: (getting up suddenly)"Oh just forget it, I'm not talking about this. You just let me know what you want to do,a nd if I have a problem with that then I'll see you in court!"
(comes back in while I am typing this)
"Why don't you phone up the womans refuge, say you are in fear of your life and leave?"
Me: "What??"
Him: "I'm not living under the same roof as you while these accusiations re levelled at me. So either you go or I do. I don't want to live with you anymore!"
Me: "I thought we arranged that I was moving out on the 20th? I don't have anywhere to go until then"
Him: "Then phone up the police, say you are living in fear! Then you can leave. [...] Would you like me to hit you, would that make it better? No its not a threat, more like a suggestion! [...] I'm going, I can't even stand being in the same room as you. It's not the truth, it's just your version of the truth! [...] I'm going, and I don't ever want to be with you again."
Worried he might top himself now. help, please?