Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

do I give them my address, or do I ask them to send them to DH's house???

23 replies

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 21:06

I have spoken/contacted my parents (or indeed my family) since just after Christmas. My choice, I'd had enough with the lack of support I was getting from them and a whole lot of other stuff that happened last year.

They knew I was moving from back in November - but don't know that I've moved. They also have no idea about DH and I "seeing" each other again (well having said that if "Poly" is still lurking then they may well do........). I wasn't intending on letting them know any time soon either.......

However, tonight they've rung DH to say that "they knew I was moving and they wanted to know what address to send my birthday present to".

He knows my address (obviously) but didn't tell them but said he'd pass the message on. And now I don't know what to do.

I've managed to just about "get over" the hurt and upset they caused me last year. however don't really feel I'm ready to start making contact with them especially as I know that they will just carry on as normal (again as they did after each argument and upset last year) pretending that nothing ever happened. And I know I'm not ready for that.

The other day I popped into my old house (that DH is in the process of moving back into) to get something for him as I was passing that way. I had to look through a pile of papers for the thing he wanted me to find and in the process of looking thorough the pile I found a letter from my parents to him written not long after the time they called me a liar (and other things) saying "FAQ doesn't seem to want to contact us - we don't know why"

What do I do? Shall I ask DH to pass on my postal address, but keep my phone number and email address to myself? Or do I ask them to post it to him??

Thing is if they have my address then knowing them if they're visiting their friends in Bedford (which they do periodically) they're liable to turn up on my door step unannounced and then I'll be "forced" to endure several hours of feeling how I did at DS3's Christening - like I wish ed the time would go quicker.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 06/03/2009 21:09

You around Bedford area then?? Me too.
Don't know the history on this but inclined to say keep your address from them!

Original poster

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 21:10

just up the road in Northants - but when they're in the N Yorkshire if they're visiting their friends in Bedford they tend to "pop in"......

OP posts:

psychomum5 · 06/03/2009 21:16

going on your OP, and the issues I have from my family, I would say stay as far away from them as poss, and not give up your address, as you will end up regretting it.

if you *want( to see them, then of course contact them, but offer to see them some where nuetral (sp?), and near to them, so that they donlt find out your address and you stay in control.

also keep a limit on time by meeting them at a point when you have other plans, so you can escape as soon as you need.

I am assuming that you had no contact with them over xmas if you haven;t heard from them since novemeber??

Original poster

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 21:18

I spoke to them briefly on the Saturday after Christmas - they didn't ring me on Christmas day as "they didn't know what the plans with the DS's would be". It was the most horrible awkard (and very short) conversation I've ever had.

Before that was DS3's Christening on the 30th November - where again I hardly spoke to them - and only really relaxed and enjoyed it after they'd gone.

Oh and they sent me an email a week after the Christening about the god awful pot plant they'd given me (which was actually a shrub that needed planting in the garden) - I didn't reply to it.

OP posts:

DutchOma · 06/03/2009 21:22

Sounds like you still need the space. Better not to cave in at the first attempt but ask to send the birthday present to DH. See how they deal with that and then maybe in a month or two you might feel differently.

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 06/03/2009 21:23

I think I'd pass on a mobile number (easier to moitor calls) and that's all. Your dh can pass any mail onto you.

warthog · 06/03/2009 21:25

i wouldn't give them your address. they can go through your dh.

glad you've managed to work things out with him btw i remember your threads from last year.

psychomum5 · 06/03/2009 21:35

maybe you can make a PObox address just for them to send to??

Original poster

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 21:37

thanks everyone.

DutchOma - you're right I think I do stil need the space - as awful as this sounds - I've not thought about not having heard/spoken/contacting them for ages now and even from the moment I made the decision I havenn't regretted it at all - they'd already missed nearly a year of their grand-children growing up - what difference was a bit longer going to make?

You know they don't even know I've started a degree (well a level 1 course anyhow) with the OU.......

TIMIDI - I really don't want to have to speak to them on the phone at all yet - not ready for that, and at some point I'd have to answer their calls if they kept trying to ring me.

Warthog - yes things are going well. We're still living totally separately - (well apart from the occasional over night stay at each others houses ) but definitely a "couple" again .

I just don't want him to feel like piggy in the middle. He's always got on well with them, and I don't have a problem with that - even though I'm not speaking to them I have no qualms about him talking to them (although I get the feeling that they called him and wrote to him more often last year than they did me ). He knows what's gone on with them (as I updated him with it all in January) and so respected my request from back then that if they contacted him about my contact details not to hand them over.

He's already going through a shitty time right now with work/money/house issues and I'm not sure its fair that he ends up as some sort of "go between".

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 06/03/2009 21:53

I don't understand why you want to involve your husband - either you want contact with your family or not, why get your husband involved in it? The gift is obviously a way of trying to re-establish contact so they may be genuinely contrite but it's pretty irrelevant to the problem. I think you either contact them directly yourself and give them your address if you feel ready to do that or you send them an email saying that you have been very hurt by their behaviour and you will be back in touch when you feel ready.

Original poster

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 21:56

the gift is my birthday present..........and they'll be sending it as they almost certainly feel the same as they did all of last year - that they've done nothing wrong and it's all "me".

and I'm certainly not giving them my email address so I have to sit and read their messages when I'm sat relaxing in the evenings.

and ermm - my DH is involved because ermm, well he's my DH.......

It was THEM that rang him- I only said the same to him as I did to my friends and Vicar - if they contact you asking for my details please don't pass them on but let me know and I'll make a decision from there.

OP posts:

Original poster

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 21:58

sorry meant to say he's my DH and he's the father of their grandchildren.

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 06/03/2009 22:13

Yes, but it doesn't matter if they want to send you a present (unless you love surprise gifts so much you can't resist accepting it) - it's whether you want to be in contact with them. It sounds as if you don't so send them an email - I thought they already had your address as you said they sent one after your ds's christening - and tell them that. Then you can block their address so that their emails go straight to your trash can. If they keep contacting your husband, then let him know that you don't want to speak to them for the time-being and let him make his own decision about whether he wants to stay in touch with them on this basis.

Alambil · 06/03/2009 22:20

I've just realised you're only 60-90 mins from me!!

anyway... I vote for keep it secret for now

Original poster

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 22:20

well tbh if it's any thing like my Christmas present from them no I'd rather not get it actually (it was an identical "freeby" hamper that they'd got the year before as well and knew that I didn't like/use most of the stuff in it).

They don't have my new address, I have a new Virgin account in my name with a new email address and new phone number.

They never replied to the majority of my emails last year - so I doubt they even read them. I'm guessing they didn't ask they never answered any of my questions - even about random stuff.

He knows I don't want to speak to them for the time being. However he has no issues with them and I can't see him deciding to stop answering their calls or replyinng to their letters - that would only add fuel to the fire.

And as they know both his phone number and his address they're not the sort of people to stop trying to send me things via him regardles of what decision he makes.

OP posts:

DutchOma · 09/03/2009 10:51

You want AtillatheMeerkat on the case as it seems to me that she know all about parents wanting control over their children. You have ignored them for a bit, they don't like it. They get back through the one channel they still have, your dh.
You were happy having them out of your life. Why let them back in? It will be same old, same old ...
If (and when) your dh moves back in with you, when all is a bit more settled, when a lot more water has gone under the bridge, when your parents finally realise that they have no power over you, then maybe...

But not now

Original poster

FAQinglovely · 09/03/2009 10:54

Well I spoke to DH on Saturday night and explained I don't want them to have my address (yet). He's no comfortable being a go between and feels it's unfair on the DS's (which I do sort of agree with - apart from the fact they hardly botehred with them last year when they did have my contact details).

However he's going to accept whatever it is they're sending at his address and we'll take it from there.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2009 11:08

FAQ

If you haven;t done so already I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as it is a good starting point.
Would also suggest you look at and post on the "5th visit to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. You will get support there too.

Bet they are crap present givers as well. I would not actually accept any gift from these people.

Their denial that anything bad happened to you/it was not their fault is a typical toxic parent/dysfunctional type trait commonly seen in such people.

Do not given them any of your current details - they will just use that as an emotional stick to beat you further with.

Your H may feel it is unfair on the children but these problems can become generational in nature as well; your parents could quite easily start on them (and will do given the opportunity).

Original poster

FAQinglovely · 09/03/2009 11:15

Attila - I think what I'm finding hardest is that until this time last year I spoke to them (well my mum) several times a week on the phone often for hour at a time. They would come and visit when down this way to see the DS', they asked how I was, they were interested in what I was doing. We got on well (well things always a little strained with my dad - but a big clash of personalities there) and I was really happy that I had such a good relationship with my parents and that they'd always been so supportive of me.

It was only when I split with H that it all started. Admittedly I didn't call them for ages (but I was suffering from depression and didn't speak to anyone).

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 09/03/2009 12:51

Another vote for a PO Box here

www.royalmail.com/portal/rm/content3?mediaId=600006&catId=5200019

Original poster

FAQinglovely · 21/03/2009 09:11

just a quick update on this - they sent the parcel to my old address (where DH now is) it was to big for the letter box so a card was dropped throuh. I arrange re-delivery to here (not sure why it wasn't redirected automatically like the rest of the stuff has beeen ) and no I'm not complaining - I have a large box of Thorntons to work my way through

OP posts:

nelix2000 · 21/03/2009 16:12

don't give them your address if it will put you in a position of having to entertain when you don't want to. If I were you I would give them an email address. Set one up if need be, then that way you respond if you want to and its not half as intrusive as a phonecall and well done on the chocs

PlumBumMum · 21/03/2009 16:34

FAQ If your dh is at your old address then he can make it clear to them he is passing on any mail but he cannot and will not do anymore than that, he will not be a messenger for them or you, so really hes not stuck in the middle

Although as he is your dh he is to some extent in the middle esp as he is still speaking to them, my own dh can't tolerate my mother anymore as he can't cope with how she treats me,
my dh made it clear that our dcs are a bonus intheir lives so my father needs to resolve things with me first before he can have any contact with us
He is not prepared to do this and I think it anoys him more as he no longer has any power over me, if you give them your address your giving them back some hold over you

Flip