Splitting up with dh but so worried about dc's - can anyone reassure me?

[flaminglips]

Dh and I have taken the decision to separate after 18 years together. We have 2 lovely dc's 8 and 5 and at the moment they're unaware of our decision. The one thing dh and I are united on is that we are desperate not to cause the dc's long term psychological harm by separating.
They haven't witnessed any violence or aggression in the home-more a chronic lack of emotion between dh and I. There's been times when we've argued lots but it's more the distance between us that is causing us to split.
Can anyone reassure me that not all kids are damaged by their parents living apart especially when they'll be seeing both of us regularly and are very loved by us both. Are there any Mumsnetters out there from broken homes who were/are ok with it. Or am I trying to delude myself that it's all going to be ok? I've namechanged because I'm so ashamed and sad about what's happening and haven't been able to tell anybody in RL yet.

PLEASE do not worry. I split from my h 6 months ago and it was the best decision I ever made, both for me and my 2 dc (same ages as yours). The 3 of us are so much happier because the boys know I am happier. Sending you lots and lots of hugs ((((())))) and hope it works out for you. Be reassured that it doesn't damage them.

Well done for making such a hard decision. If its any kind of reassurance, I'm from the reverse type of home - one where my parents should have split up and never did - and I really believe that it is so so much better for both parents to be happy and following their own paths than to live in a miserable house. Both me and my brother have spent years trying to get over the psychological damage caused by the situation at home (even though both parents were great parents, it was so upsetting living with them together as a 'couple'). Even if there's no obvious aggression etc, I'm sure kids pick up when their parents aren't happy.

Anyway, this won't be the case with you - it sounds like both you and your Dh are mature enough to work out a new situation that works for you both and also helps the kids through this difficult time, and in the long run I'm sure you will all be a lot happier for it (although of course its going to be tough going for a while). Good luck, and I'm sure you'll get lots of other encouraging replies from those who have been through this and are out the other side.

Thanks so much for your honest opinions. LMW glad you and your dc's are happier. Thanks for the hugs too. I do believe that if I'm happier it should have an impact on mine too. My ds 8 is particularly sensitive and although he's made lots of comments about daddy not liking mummy and has asked me why I'm sad I still think he'll want us to stay together and will struggle with it all. How long before the split did you tell them? I don't want it to be a complete shock but on the other hand I want them to have a bit of time to adjust.

flaminglips - ours was very sudden. I didn't know it was going to happen until it actually did. I explained to them while we were staying at my parents. My 5 year old still won't talk about it but he doesn't have a very good relationship with his dad. It's very complicated. He too is sensitive but I think that explaining to them that it isn't their fault is probably one of the most important things to do. They do adjust though and over time it seems as though it has always been just 3 and not 4.

You sound very brave and together about it all. Thanks for your replies. My mil thinks we're doing a terrible thing to the children and I think would rather we were miserable but together which really annoys me bearing in mind she knows nothing about our problems.

Be strong - it does get better, I promise. Don't be swayed by other people's opinions - you have to do what is right for you and your family and it sounds as though you know what is the right thing to do. I really do wish you lots of luck. Have courage x

flaminglips
I think your attitude is brilliant. IMO it's essential to think of the kids first and foremost when separating. Badmouthing the ex by either parent in front of the kids is damaging and should never happan for the kids sake.
IME with DSD 6 she loves both her parents and wants to spend "a long time" with both of them.
She is a very happy and well balanced little girl despite some trying circumstances. One thing has helped her her parents split when she was about 12 months old so she has no memory of them living together.
A word of caution though...
I have chatted with a friend of mine, shes 20 I think. Her parents split when she was about 3 and her parents had very amicable split. She saw her dad everyday and at weekends. Now she has a good relationship with both parents.
Sadly even in such a case she has expressed sadness and regret that her parents didnt stay together.
Its an agonising thing to contemplate, I think all you can do is always consider the kids first and keep everything as amicalbe and fair as possible.

My parents split when I was 5 years old. I can't honestly say it didn't affect me as a child - I was always a Daddy's girl (still am ) and I really hated only seeing him once a week. There were also complications when my half brothers came along because my step mother always resented me and treated me very differently to her boys (so did my Dad - think he was after an easy life !)

Now - I have a dsd who is a very sensitive 5 year old but she sees so much more of her dad than I ever did. She's very much part of our family and is treated exactly the same as our dd. Both her mum and my dh have been very "mature" about everything and they never bad mouth each other etc. They really are both committed to putting her first and making sure that their split affects her a little as possible (something my parents never managed really)

So - to summarise the waffle above - I don't think a split has to adversely affect a child if its handled properly and you and your dh sound like you are both going to do a good job

Good luck. You and your dh deserve to be happy and your dc's will benefit from it.

my parents split when i was 8yo.

was best thing they ever did. the arguements were awful

no violence or abuse. just arguements and frosty enviroment was terrible.

when they seperated both parent became better parents as individuals.

i have also recently split fromdp.

my dc have never been happier. much more relaxed and completely different people.

flaminglips, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It is clear from your post that you and your DH are putting the children first.

I've seen this from both sides having been divorced with young kids and also having been a family lawyer for 10 years (although now a SAHM)

As a lawyer, I saw so many clients who had stayed for years in a really unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids, and only then started divorce proceedings when the kids were grown up and off to uni etc. The majority of them (usually the wives) admitted that they should have separated/divorced years before and accepted it was a mistake staying for the sake of the children. Most of the time the children knew that there were problems and had wished that they had separated years before.

When I divorced we tried to keep it as amicable as possible for our children and put the children first. As others have said, both my ex and myself were clearly happier and more relaxed and that has got to be better for your children.

Good luck to you x

I have only read the first post so appologies if someone has mentioned this before me.

According to the Association of Separated Families, what damages the children is not the separation itself but the rowing before the split. If you and your DH have spared them of those bad moments, it is unlikely for them to get damaged. Obviously, there would be some changes, and big ones, but as long as you reasure them that your decission doesn't affect the love that you have for them or the realtionship with the other parent, things should be fine.

There is a book I found very useful when in the process of finding our feet with regards to DS around the time of the separation. It is called Putting Children First, I can not recommend it strongly enough.

I think DS has benefitted from our separation, he gets more attention than before from the two of us (now the time we have him around is sacred), visiting his dad every other weekend is an adventure he certainly looks forward to, we also have great times together and I think our relationship has become stronger.

ExH and I have kept in very good terms (possible as there were no nasty issues between us, we just fell out of love). We decided to protect our friends as we did with DS: not going into any detail that may make them feel forced to take sides. By showing everyone that we are fine on each other's company, we can go to friends get togethers and even have "family" days out from time to time. This lack of animosity has kept DS' world in its place.