please can you help me process and let go of this conversation with my mum?

[TheRealSecretLemonadeDrinker]

I need to talk about this and because of the sensitive nature of it, would prefer not to do so with RL friends as most of them don't know the history. I will try to be concise.

My mum and I have a troubled relationship - mainly because of her last 2 marriages - she remarried when I was 7 and my stepfather was an evil man who abused me physically and mentally for 7 years until he killed himself. when I told her about this at the time she told me I was lying and has never been willing to discuss it again. Her next marriage happened in Las Vegas, and she didn't even tell me until she had done it.

She came to stay last week and demanded to know what I was going to do with my life as I am 37 now and I needed to have something to show for myself by the time I am 40.

I have been happily married for 11 years to a wonderful man and we have 3 beautiful children, but I gave up my career when I fell pg with my first as dh and I were in the same profession which involves a lot of travel and we felt that one of us needed to always be there for the children, while the other was away, and we have no problems with the fact that it was me who left, but due to the credit crunch we are now very poor as all my savings were invested into a house which is now in negative equity and we are struggling to bring up the 3 children - but we have never asked for help - it is our responsibility, but it was obvious to her when she came just how much we have tightened our belts.

In one fell swoop she has made me feel comepletely worthless and inconsequential again as if my family are not an 'achievement' enough. How do I respond to this? The dcs adore her, which is the only reason I persevere with her.

Thanks for reading this - sorry it is long

I don't know what to say.

Maybe you should take pride in the fact that you would never make your children feel like this. Please don't feel worthless.

grim perhaps you could tell her that you consider the happy, loving family life you have made with your husband and children to be the best achievement anyone could wish for

thank you both

how extraordinary! sounds to me like you've achieved a huge amount! perhaps she's really pissed off that actually, you're doing just fine. you don't need her. and SHE's the one that hasn't achieved what you have.

OMG, , what an awful thing for her to say!! To the point were I cannot help but wonder whether she is projecting her own insecurities on you: Stable marriage, 3 children, house, managing in a financial crisis. Is she working on the assumption that attack is the best defence??

You clearly have a lot to show for your 37 years, so there!
Isn't it amazing how those who are closest to us (and in some ways parents clearly always are) always have the power to hurt us most? I suppose being truly "grown-up" is to be able to rise above this kind of hurtful, useless and, worst of all, untrue remark.

I think, have a brandy, take big breath and think zen thoughts - then rise above it. Do not get defensive, as you have nothing you need to justify.
Maybe something like: "Oh, how could I possibly improve on all the phantastic things I have achieved until now?"

Oh, I am for you! Can you tell that my mum can wind me up something terrible...

I don't think you should respond at all. Your mother is projecting her own insecurities onto you. We cannot change the past but you can change the way you act and feel now and you can do this by taking a deep breath and ignoring your mother's comment.

You need AttillatheMeerkat - her advice is always spot on.

That's sad - that she can't see the wonderful things that you have achieved and how positive your life is. It's a shame for her. because you are the one with a happy marriage and three beautiful children.

I know it is very hurtful and very hard to shrug off this sort of comment, especially from your own mother, but I think that's exactly what you should try to do. Your life is happy. That's all that matters.

Been overtaken by more concise typers!
But yes, agree with everything

I would actually not having any contact whatsoever with this toxic mother of yours as she brings nothing positive into your life (she is herself emotionally damaged but those are her issues to face). She chose to deny that you were abused as a child by your stepfather by accusing you of lying. God alone knows what damage that caused to you.

Toxic people never take any responsibility, blame others and and never apologise for their actions.

Living well is the best revenge here, concentrate on your own family unit. You've done remarkably well in your life and have achieved a great deal.

Your children may not actually adore her at all, they could well sense their Mum is unhappy when their Nan is around. You cannot allow your children to be affected by her as you have to your detriment because she could well start on them next and pick holes with them as well.

Would suggest you visit the "Stately Homes" thread on these pages and post there too (there are people on that thread who have suffered sexual abuse as children). You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Do you have siblings - if so do they have any sort of relationship with her?.

I agree you have a achieved so much!!!! Happy marriage for 11 years and 3 wonderful children and coping despite finances being tight.

This comment does seem all about attack.

My parents value (d) my degree so far above my marriage it was ridiculous - says so much about them, my values couldn't be further from theirs.

Thank you all for your support - I was starting to doubt myself.

I wonder sometimes if she is jealous because I have had what she never had - but she doesn't understand that even a happy marriage is hard sometimes and we have suffered too, albeit it in a different way.

How do I get past this though? I feel very silly that at 37 the words of someone, who, if she wasn't my mother, could have such an impact. I don't know why, given what I have shared, she still has this power over me.

sorry - I have cross posted a bit.

I can remember then I got my A level results (2 As and 2 Bs) only 2 years after the suicide, her only comment was 'you only got a B for English, why?)

I don't have siblings, sadly, which is why I was always so keen for my guys to have them.

Attila, I will look on Amazon for that book - it sounds like it may help. Thanks.

I feel v humbled by your support, all of you. Thank you for posting.

Sometimes this can arise from jealousy (jealousy is also linked to low self esteem) but these issues as well are more often than not very deeply rooted and go back to how they were themselves treated as children. What was her own childhood like, do you know?.

She made a choice herself to have a child and she chose to disbelieve you, her own daughter, when you were telling her of your being abused. She put him before you and likely also puts her second husband before you now as well.

It is not your fault she is like this. You are NOT to blame for her failings as a parent; she is. She has certainly made some poor life decisions but you are not to blame for her poor life decisions.

Counselling for your own self is worth considering.

Do post on the Stately Homes thread on these pages, you will get support there as well. Tell them I sent you.

Attila x

Oh LemonadeDrinker, so sorry for your troubles. I too have a troubled relationship with my mother (we are estranged because, well, she's strange) Whenever I let her back into my life she does/says something to hurt me/mine and it is better to keep her at bargepole length. I learned over 15+ years to preserve my own dignity and integrity over and above her toxic comments

My plan to tackle this would be as follows.
First thing is to handle your feelings on this. Acknowledge that what was said was unessarily hurtful and misguided. Where is it written that you must do something before 40?

You are not worthless, you have a fine family, a long term realtionship with a good man and 3 beautiful DCs, that takes a lot of hard work and effort. It doesn't just fall in your lap does it. You are tackling a difficult financial situation with some aplomb. Give your self a huge pat on the back please.

Now handling your mother's comment. How about. 'I've been considering that but I've been so busy looking after DH/DCs/the home it's been hard to fit it in' Hopefully that will take the wind out of her sails.

Don't let casual mindless comments drag you down to someone elses level of thinking. You are a strong lady who shows great tenacity. You are very very worthwhile, don't ever forget that.

atilla - thank you - I will! (go the stately home pages that is) I am on the waiting list for counselling.

grouchy thank you too. You are right - why is 40 so important?
I just wish I understood why this matters so much. if anyone else said that I would laugh....

Seems to me that you have achieved far more in your 37 years than she has in her entire life so far. There's a lot to be said for having a happy marriage, bringing up 3 children to feel happy, safe and valued,none of which she managed with her marriages or you. Especially these days when there are so many pressures on everyone: to provide materially and spiritually for our families, and more especially when you are trying to do that on a tighter than usual budget. Next time she says that, I would ask whether she is talking about material achievement, or the achievements that actually matter, like being happy and creating a safe and happy home environment for your whole family? Remind her that you have done something that she utterly failed to do for you .

There sounds as if there is a bit of projection going on here on her part. Don't feel that you have to respond to her petty baiting - she's the one that has messed up.

sayit - I love your name btw - thank you for pointing out the difference between physical and spiritual achievements. I need to remember that.

Although I would love to, I haven't the guts to say again to her that she has failed me- she just goes off on one and makes me feel even worse

I have really distanced myself fromy parents, a token gesture from being completely etranged. I am so much happier as a result, you will probably find counselling very difficult and I would recommend creating some distance from her before you start counselling because you may feel very vulnerable whilst going through some of this stuff.

Take care of yourself and your family first and only take what you are prepared to from your Mum.

Toxic parents want you to respond to their goading that is the whole point. Your best weapon is silence. And distance sadly. Also, recommend counselling. I have finally managed to start doing some of things I am preaching today after 40 years of abuse and that is only because I am finally seeing a psycho-therapist.

I think you're mother is probably very jealous of your successful marriage and how united a family you are. But even if she is, there's no excuse for her behaviour.

My advice (and this is not just what I preach, but what I practise too, my mother and I don't have contact) is this: In life, there are people who cheer you up and recharge your batteries just by being around them, and there are those that contaminate you with their negativity, make you feel crap about yourself and drain the life from you. We all know who falls into which category.

We should try to spend as little time as possible with ANYONE, however close a family relative they are, who falls into the latter category - life is just too short.

Please don't engage with her by justifying what you have done with your life - she has set this arbitrary target of 40 for you, and there really is no need for you to worry about it.

The real question is how you can limit the hurtful contact with her. You say your DCs adore her - I assume they are quite young? I have a moderately toxic (!) grandmother - she was fun to be around, a charming person, but as I got older I was able to see the unkind/demanding ways she treated my mother (who had developed a sufficiently strong 'shell' to protect herself when needed).

Your DCs will be the same I'm sure. You donlt need to break off contact if you don't want to but rest assured they will know who she is, in a way that I hope will help you. I think being able to talk about it with me helped my mother.

That sounds rather rambling, I'm sorry! But I really mean my first para in particular. Do NOT engage with this.

ask her exactly when she is going to do something with HER life...

and..

accept some people just dont make good mothers... maybe your mother is one such person.

enjoy the family you have and accept you are not the person your mother tries to tell you that you are.

We've had this with some members of our family - reacting really badly to the fact that dh and I quit our jobs and have decided to have different priorities.

We came to the conclusion that it was because they feel judged - by choosing to give up the things they feel proud of in their own lives and focus on other stuff they feel we are making a comment on the fact that they haven't.

While it's true that looking around and seeing what other choices lead to in the end was a part of our taking this decision, it doesn't mean we judge others - what may be right for them is not necessarily right for us.

The problem is that really judgey people's attitudes towards others are really just a spillover of the way they judge themselves. So when your mum sees you, with your happy marriage, your three children and so on, what she is actually seeing is 'she thinks I was a crap mother because I had many failed marriages and she was an only child'.

Of course the fact that she is right in her self-judgement doesn't help, but I've found it helps to realise that that is what is going on, and that it is in fact nothing to do with what it appears to be really.

Hope that made any sense at all.