tired of the fuck-buddy situation

[dollparts]

I separated from my husband 18 months ago and In the past month or so thought I would try and get out there again. I wasn't looking for a replacement Dad for my DD, in fact it is something I will keep very much separate from my day to day life for the forseeable future.

I tried placing an ad on Gumtree saying I was looking for a male companion to spend weekends with etc, whilst DD is with ex. I had quite a few replies, ranging from how accomplished I was at deep-throating to asking general q's about my likes, hobbies and pastimes.

Then came one that got my attention. A cheeky chappy, same age as me (30's) and we hit it off. We spoke on the phone, MSN, texting and agreed to meet up. We live an hour apart so agreed to meet in the middle and go for a coffee and see what happened.

Well, how wrong can you be? And foolish am I?
I got in his car and we started chatting, it was pleasant and not the awkward mumbling mono syllabic conversation I was expecting. He was touchy feely, I was flattered and we end up rolling around on the back seat of his very flash car like a couple of teeangers.

For fuck sake, will I ever learn? Of course after the fact is speaking to me like I'm one of the lads. We talk, It's gotten late so I head home and driving across London feeling like some silly old cow and ashamed at my desparation for male attention.

Why does this make me stupid? Because he has already told me he is not looking for a serious relationship and instead of me knocking it on the head and moving on I have decided I am strong enough to accept it for what it is and not expect any more.

Of course by the next morning, I am upset with myself because I could easily like him but at the same time I know there is no mileage in it because that's not what he wants. The funniest thing is, even if it was I am not sure we would be suited.

I'm an intelligent person, have many friends and am thought of as being a happy popular character. So why do I always manage to attract men who are only in for the short haul?

If this was someones else's post I would be firing off sound advice immediately with a clear idea about the way forward. Alas, it is me, and I am making myself thoroughly misearable by behaving in this way.

Eh?
What is the problem?
You don't want a serious bf, somoene nice turns up, you have a bit of a snog and are now self flagellating.

Maybe, on a level, you're not looking for a long term relationship right now? It's ok to just want something casual. Why feel bad about that?

If you are really torn up about this, maybe some counselling to figure out what you're really looking for, might be in order?

There is nothing at all wrong with having fun with someone in a casual way. Have you been told a lot of bullshit about how women only want sex as part of a (barf) loving relationship or there must be something wrong with them?

Stop any contact with this new guy it will only make you feel worse if it goes on any further than it has.

Also don't ever post an ad asking for a male companion on weekends because all you will get are replies from people wanting casual sex.

If you post an ad post one looking for a proper relationship becuse after all if a man is really worth hanging on to he will understand that in the begining things have to move slowly, and meeting up at weekends only sounds like the perfect start to me.

nothing wrong with it. so try not to beat yourself up.

In the middle of a split here.. and I will not be looking for a long term relationship until the year dot.

I will be happy however to have an FB. ( actually have the person in mind (he's offered before LOL).. there is no way I'd have a long term relationship with the guy.. but would be happy having an arrangement with him)

I see this as neither a male or female thing just a mutual agreement between adults.

Doll
you know that you're not happy with the situ.so end it and have no further contact
if you're happy to carry on then continue as you are
it's your life and your business

Obviously my reply was based around the fact that you don't appear to enjoy or want a fuck buddy.

If however it is what you want but just feel guilty then I say get over it the guilt will pass. There is nothing wrong with having or being an FB perfectly healthy as long as you both understand and are safe.

EVERYONE atracts men who are only in it for the short haul, but the difference is that you SETTLE for them.

Next time you go out, say to yourself "Don't settle, don't settle" .... and don't put ads on gUMTREE, GO TO A PROPER DATING WEBSITE LIKE pLENTYOFFISH.COM

I think you are looking in all of the wrong places - an ad on Gumtree?

Get out. Join an evening class to gain an extra qualification - most are free if you are on benefits. Join a gym, are you sporty at all? Could you join a squash club? Do you have any babysitters? Could you arrange a girly night out?

You need to feel confident and comfortable with who you are before you start looking again. And once you start enjoying yourself, you'll find you won't have to look. Most men go for women who are confident and happy with themselves. They give off all the right signals about not being clingy or needy. Most men who reply to ads are in relationships and after a fuck-buddy.

Stop looking and start living.

Not sure I understand what exactly the problem is. I also have a fuck buddy from an ad I put on Gumtree around 4 years ago. It's a pretty good deal IMO - we have fun, there's no way I could ever date him, but I find him easy to talk to and intelligent. He takes me shoe shopping, we go out in his Porsche, there's no expectations and everyone's happy.

I honestly wouldn't stress about how you're supposed to feel or to behave. If you have fun and enjoy the sex, keep on with things. But if you feel like you want more from this man then don't see him again as you could end up being hurt.

I don't think she wanted to be a fuck-buddy.

Rhubarb, you're absolutely right- I do not want to be a fuck-buddy.

If I go back to before I was married, It is there to see how I always wanted affection but confused it with sex and thought I had to give one in order to receive the other.

Even as I type this I cannot believe how messed up I am, how foolish I feel for allowing myself to get into these situations. The worst of it is I do it to myself.

I think the core of my issue is I am not emotionally strong enough for these fly by night encounters. I'm going to stop waffling as I am feeling ridiculous enough as it is

thank you Mumsnet, you were quicker than me and I no longer need to post a rather scathing message

Far too hard on yourself, u had a good time, keep looking for
Right and regret rien!

Zombie thread, ressurected by the now-deleted.

Oh we live and learn. Scratch it up to experience and give yourself a break. You tried it you didn't like it and you've learned something from it.

I see exactly where you are coming from Dollparts.

I am just over 2 years single after a long marriage and thinking how NSA sex would be great on paper. In the past I have never been able to do it though and have always needed to really like the person to consider sex.

This constraint is soooo annoying for me and not at all moral based just how I am unfortunately as I can think of nothing more fun than a few shags !!

As I have no interest in a relationship I will have to accept for now being celibate.

No real useful advice just saying I do understand !!

ZOMBIE THREAD

I cannot do FWB either. I tried but not for me :)

gah

you did it again, GFGW

What is a zombie thread? Genuine question

It's a really old thread that's started up again years later for no apparent reason. In this case, 3 years later.

Don't beat yourself up too much. It's just shown you that no, you don't want a FB situation.

Before I met my boyfriend I had a few encounters like this, usually when I'd been on tonnes of dates with unsuitables and was as horny as hell from lack of sex got so excited to meet someone I rather fancied for a change, so what