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Original poster

A big secret

41 replies

contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 20:52

Someone I know has discovered her husband has a child from before they were married, he has been paying maintenance for all the time they have been together and has not told her a thing. They already have children. WWYD ?

OP posts:
CarGirl · 05/03/2009 20:53

I would ask about the child and assume that at some point they may turn up!

DanJARMouse · 05/03/2009 20:54

I would fucking ape shit.

Marriage is based largely on trust. Not disclosing such a HUGE part of his life would be a breach of trust.

Im not sure how I would proceed, but think there would be a hell of a lot of RELATE going on.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2009 20:54

wwyd, or what should she do ?

why are you asking? is this about you ?

Original poster
contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 20:54

My friend is v upset and angry and wants to end the relationship. do you think this is OTT ?

OP posts:
BirdyArms · 05/03/2009 20:55

I don't know. I'd want to know why he hadn't told me. I think I'd be bemused and feel hurt and upset that he hadn't felt able to tell me.

Original poster
contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 20:55

not me, a friend. Want to know how to support her really.

OP posts:
AreyouDancing · 05/03/2009 20:55

Does he see the child? Do they have children?

What would she think of him that he could have a child and never see them? Or mention them?

NewLeaseofLife · 05/03/2009 20:56

I would be very concerned but would talk to him about it and hope he would have a good explanation.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 05/03/2009 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Portofino · 05/03/2009 20:57

I would be fecking livid! I'm not really sure what I would do. It's as bad as an affair really. Just the barefaced lying would take a hell of lot of getting over.

Original poster
contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 20:57

No he doesn't see the child. They do have children.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 05/03/2009 20:58

From his point of view he didn't tell her at the begining because he (probably) doesn't really see the child. Then as time went on it became such a big thing he didn't know how to tell her?

Bit like "how do you tell your dc who their absent parent is" they younger (earlier on in a relationship) the better because it's no big deal then.

She needs to find out the facts and take it from there IMO

Original poster
contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 20:59

I think you're right about missing the window of opportunity Reality, he should have told her at the start I reckon.

OP posts:
StercusAccidit · 05/03/2009 20:59

I agree with reality in that he may have missed his window of opportunity to spill the beans.

But this is his CHILD so what..is he ashamed of her or something? Some time before/since they got married surely he would have been able to say something or get a member of his family to if he was too..chicken?

Original poster
contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 21:00

A couple of his family members already knew apparently...

OP posts:
Lindenlass · 05/03/2009 21:01

I would feel awful. I would feel like ending it. But...I made promises when I married, regardless of whichever promises he has broken, so I think...no, I hope I would have enough strength to go to RELATE and have some very heavy counselling to see if we would be able to move past that sort of deceit.

chubbasmum · 05/03/2009 21:08

i do agree thats a biggie your friend needs to sit down and talk to her husband probably he has a good excuss for keeping this child a secret she has every right to be angry she needs to take it into consideration that its her he`s with so ending it is definately OTT

wannaBe · 05/03/2009 21:09

As her friend you need to support her in whatever she decides. It is her decision after all, and everyone has their own boundaries as to what is and is not acceptable, and what would constitute the end of a relationship.

I can see the argument for missing the window of opportunity, but this goes further than that doesn't it? He has been paying maintenance for this child, so doesn't that say something about the lack of openness and honesty within the existing relationship that he can be paying out a presumably signifficant sum of money every month and his dw had no idea?

For me personally it would be a dealbreaker I think, although ending the relationship would raise other concerns as to whether he would turn his back on the children from this relationship in the same way he had from the former one.

CarGirl · 05/03/2009 21:11

He's bloke, he missed his window of opportunity, he's done an ostrich.

It's been stupid but it's probaby the only thing he's been deceiptful about - he probably hasn't even lied it's just never come up. he's probably done the "we wanted a clean break so we just went our seperate ways" kid of thing.

Hopefully your friend will get her around it he will come 100% clean and they'll work it through.

Original poster
contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 21:11

the money is a big issue as they are not loaded and have struggled in the past. He is I think doing the typically male thing of burying his head in the sand, and not really thinking about the effect this has on his other children.

OP posts:
Original poster
contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 21:11

CarGirl x posts, but yes, I think you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 21:14

I just hope he does come clean about the whole thing as I still think he hasn't told the whole story. He wasn't in a relationship with the mother, and apparently, it 'might not be his anyway'.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 05/03/2009 21:15

If it's a private arrangement perhaps now is the time to reassess it or go via the CSA.

Was he young when it happened? Tell her to try and remember what young "men" are like - nt exactly full of "emotional intelligence"

Original poster
contrafibularities · 05/03/2009 21:16

He was in his 20s so not exactly young...

OP posts:
CarGirl · 05/03/2009 21:18

He's a man, they don't start growing up until they're in their 30's!

It's probably not until they had their own children that he realised he had missed out? All a bit out of sight & out of mind?