How to cope with controlling mum and auntie

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

I am 36 years old, but my mum and aunty treat me like I am 12.

They look after my 2.4 year old DD for a few hours a week each, while I am at work, which I am really grateful for, but I think they enjoy it too!

Today I have argued with both of them.

My auntie has no children but seeks to tell me how to bring up my DD. TOday DD had a mild tantrum (she is very sweet tempered and has only ever had 2!) and my auntie said it is because she is spoilt.

DD has had several bugs picked up from playgroup recently and my auntie says it is not that but that I don't put a hat on her.

Worst of all she has a motor delay of about a year, and my auntie says it is not physical (she has hypotonia) but because I treat her like a baby.

My mum is controlling in a different way. She keeps on at me all the time that I should not have another baby, as she is too old to babysit another one. I have told her endlessly that that is fair enough and I won't ask her, but she still goes on and on about it. If I dare to say I might consider it and it is not up to her we have a massive argument and she says things like "but I thought you said you werent going to, now I won't sleep at night". She also thinks it would be bad for my health (long story) and so I shouldn't because it would worry HER.

We almost fell out tonight as I said it was entirely up to us whether we have another one, if I do not ask her to babysit it.

She once told me she would stop speaking to me if I got a cat, as she thought it was a bad idea!!!!! She also goes on and on at me about being fat..I have lost a stone and yes, need to lose another couple, but it is up to me and not her!!

She says I should lose it so SHE doesn't have to worry about my health.

Any time we fall out she says I am making her ill with stress and am a terrible daughter etc etc.

Anyway not sure what I am asking here but suppose I just needed to vent.

I feel like an option would be to put DD in nursery, which my mum would love, but that would devastate my auntie, who lives for looking after DD.

I'd put her in nursery, perhaps your Auntie can come and visit, take her out because she wants to spend time with her and not because she is doing you a favour.

Just do the stuck record thing and ignore ignore ignore their rantings.

THey would also go on at me about spending money if she was in nursery.

I actually am criticised for ever spending any money on anything at all, by both of them, even £5. I bought DD some shoes on Ebay for £8 and was given a lecture by both of them.

This is looking even more ridiculous written down, isn't it!

Perhaps you should ask them questions back "Are you this rude to everyone?"

they're not respecting your boundaries. they're taking responsibility for you when it's not their place.

i think you have to make the line clear - every comment like that say 'it's not your business' or words to that effect.

failing which i do think you need to find other childcare arrangements. they need to learn that you're an adult now!

Thanks, it helps to know I do have a point and am not being unreasonable!!

I would agree that they are not respecting your boundaries at all, my guess as well is that they've always been like this with you.

I would also be looking at alternate childcare like nursery. Such problems as well can become generational in nature and they could affect your DD in the same manner.

Do you feel like this as well:-

Even today as an adult, you...

1. Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents

1. Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why

1. Feel confused by parental mixed messages

1. Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents

1. Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents

1. Worry more about pleasing your parents than being yourself

1. Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents

1. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice

1. Get tense when you think about being around your parents

10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent

You may want to read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth. Its a good starting point.

Is your Dad still around, was wondering what opinion he has?.

They are all true!

My Dad has never been around, in fact I have never met him..have got a stepdad, but he is not really a parent at all but a friend, he married my mum when I was 20.

Am definitely considering nursery when DD is 3, at the moment her 2 hours of playgroup exhausts her so I think it would physically be too much, as she is quite weak, but as soon as she is physically strong enough I will make the move I think.

Wow, you are not being unreasonable AT ALL!

Jeez, I dunno how I'd cope with that. You do need some clear boundaries - it is your money you will spend it exactly as you want and you don't need their comments thank you very much - it is your body, if you choose to have another baby it is your choice, not theirs.

My DH had similar problems with his own mother, every single penny he spent or thing he did was analysed to the nth degree. When I came along I couldn't put up with it and we fell out with his mum because of it. When we started to tell her that her comments were not welcome she went in the huff, insisted she was only ever being helpful and just basically refused to step back from our lives. So we stepped back from hers, we didn't talk for 3 months. Now we are all talking again, she is STILL a pain in the ass but she knows there are limits. She knows if she goes too far that we will back away from her again. The woman is non stop and knows no limits to personal boundaries.

The thing is with people that are like that is that they use their emotions to a great degree. "If you confront me, I will be hurt, I will cry, I will tell everyone how nasty you have been, I will become suddenly ill" etc etc. We had a lot of guilt trips thrown in our direction believe me! Everything was turned into her being a victim. You have to ignore that and take control of your life as an adult.

Good luck

My mum has always been like that. I have literally NEVER stood up to her EVER in my whole life as she used to get headaches and lo and behold one would come on if I ever argued with her

I am the most repressed person ever I think!

My mum also had a mastectomy 3.5 years ago, for very early breast cancer, which has obviously shaken her up, and I understand that, but it has made her even more self centred as she believes any stress at all will bring the cancer back, so I can stand up for myself even less.

Not sure I can say anything helpful but I wanted to post my sympathy, it must be so frustrating.

Perhaps a childminder might be a less exhausting environment for your DD?

Are you an only child?

Thanks, it is frustrating!Yes, i am an only child.
A childminder is one thing i hadn't thought of, but should consider, definitely.

Fanjo,

Both your Mum and aunt are toxic people by their very nature. You must have clear boundaries otherwise they will continue to do this. They won't change their ways and you cannot and should not "fix" them; controlling behaviours are often learnt in childhood and are certainly deep seated.

Presumably as well your stepdad does not and has never done anything to re protecting you from your Mum's controlling ways. He has probably also played the "bystander" role in this dysfunction (i.e acting only out of self preservation and wanting a quiet life for his own self).

Do read that book I mentioned, it could help you. "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward also has a chapter in it on Controllers. You may also want to read the "5th visit to Stately Homes" thread as some women on there have had experience in dealing with controlling parents themselves.

Attila

THanks, I will look for those books.

I have also read that thread a bit but didn't feel up to delving into my childhood too much...but maybe I will

I was wondering whether you being the only one might have something to do with your mum being so insistence that you only have one child, it just seems so odd and the opposite of how most grandparents are.

She thinks that I will want her to babysit and that she will be too old and tired, and have to refuse and then feel guilty, in a nutshell..which is just not a valid reason to me not to have another child IF we want to.

You don't mention your husband, who I presume must exist if you're discussing having another child. What does he think of all this? It sounds as though you and your bloke need to look after your nuclear unit and keep the other relatives at a bit of a distance. I'd stop phoning and visiting them as much and look for friends you actually like, and look for somewhere different for your daughter to go in the long term.
You sound as though you are more emotionally involved with your mum and aunt than your husband.
I'd go for guacamole's technique of breaking away from them for a while and just leave them to fuss and fret to each other

Yes he exists, he is lovely, and they also drive him nuts!!

Definitely not more emotionally involved with them, its just that's how they'd like to be!!!

you poor thing - warn them that if they dont step back and let you make your own decisions, you will put DD in childcare

and every time they start lecturing you on anything, you need to try and say gently 'we have talked about this before, i am an adult, married with a child, please stop telling me how to...' and then ignore any further comments point blank

it must be very hard on you

dont let your mum dictate how many children you should have, you will always resent her for it

tough love needed!! good luck

Thanks..

sadly, as I pointed out to my husband..she is 72..if I have a new child it will be here a lot longer than she is. I know that's a terrible way to think though!!!

But does put it in perspective somewhat as to what is really important when making this decision!!!