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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have just spoken out of turn to MIL

20 replies

ishouldkeepitzipped · 03/03/2009 14:41

Firstly I would like to say that I get on brilliantly with my MIL. We dont see her that often but when we do there is never any problems.

Anyway, BIL/SIL have just had a baby last week. This is the same BIL who has already got 2 children who he does not see, his DW gave him an ultimatium when they got married, them or her. He chose her. DH has always made an effort to see the DC, even though it means a 4 hour round trip to do so. DH is of the opinion that it is not the DC's fault that their dad does not bother with them. Should add the PIL's do not see the children either but DH is more interested in the DC than following the family line.

MIL was speaking about the baby today and I said that I agree with DH that maybe BIL should be bothering with the children he already has before having more. MIL did not argue or get upset but now feel I have spoken out of turn as it is really nothing to do with me.

What would you do, dont want to cause a family fall out but just feel I needed to say something.

OP posts:

RubyRioja · 03/03/2009 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 03/03/2009 14:44

why does MIL not want to see her GC?

if it's something you would say to BIL's face (and your dh would) then i don't see the problem

Original poster

ishouldkeepitzipped · 03/03/2009 14:46

PIL's do not want to rock the boat with BIL/SIL. BIL is the youngest of 4 children and has always been seen as being the blue eyed boy.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 03/03/2009 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Disenchanted3 · 03/03/2009 14:48

How awful for his older children
You could have said alot worse!

Jux · 03/03/2009 14:50

Do not say any more. Step away.

And then tell us all about it...

Original poster

ishouldkeepitzipped · 03/03/2009 14:53

Thats the thing I think that the whole family are in the wrong regarding the older 2 as DH is the only one who has anything to do with them Even that is limited due to the distance between them, but he does make a huge effort and always has. I have always managed to stay out of it until today.

MIL is a brilliant grandma to my DC but I do feel she is totally wrong regarding her other GC.

OP posts:

lilymolly · 03/03/2009 14:55

oh similar situation with my BIL

Wont have much to do with his other children from previous marriage (which we think is driven by his new girlfriend)

They had a baby at xmas and told the kids that they had to go to clinics so could not see them (this was on day after boxing day btw and baby was only 3 days old so that was a lie)

It broke my heart and I told PIL that he should concentrate on his older kids.

I am lucky though, as they agree with me.

Having said that, I do try and kepe my mouth shut now, as I think they are prob very hurt.

BIL and new girlfriend are waste of space as far as I am concerned

fryalot · 03/03/2009 14:56

I presume that they know your DH sees the older children.

That being so, I suspect that they already know your views and you weren't actually saying anything that they don't already know.

lilymolly · 03/03/2009 14:56

should also add PIL and DP and I make massive efforts with kids and see them as much as we can x

FriarKewcumber · 03/03/2009 14:57

I think you've said enough. And more to the point its what you do that speaks volumes. Good for your DH for keeping in touch with the other children. Your MIl knows she is wrong not to and is being weak by not staying in touch with them.

You are doing the right thing, thats enough.

beanieb · 03/03/2009 14:58

I think you have a right to an opinion. I suppose it might be difficult for MIL though, assuming it's her son you are being critical of.

If it were me i would have more to say about his wife giving him a 'them or me' ultimatum. I think that's disgusting!

Jux · 03/03/2009 15:01

They may agree with you and might want to see their gcs very badly, but know that anything they say will only cause problems which they are not able/prepared to deal with. Or perhaps your BIL had long heart to hearts with them before he married and they know why he made the choice he did. There are all sorts of things that could have gone on privately which no one else knows about.

You having said something may have started a chain reaction. Perhaps, a few years down the line, your MIL will confide in you, maybe even ask your help in letting them know that she didn't reject them, or something.

It could turn in a beautiful, sad, romantic saga with a happy ending.

It could turn into huge rows between PILs and BIL.

Whatever, you've unintentionally let them know your feelings and that's enough.

mayorquimby · 03/03/2009 15:17

i'd imagine she knows exactly what you mean but look at it this way.
it's very different if you or your dh complain about your kids cause you know it's just venting and that you love them.
if someone else gives out about them it can irk you.
so while she probably agrees with you, hearing it out loud probably makes her angry/disappointed at him but might have gotten displaced towards you on this occassion.
i'd let it go and take it as a sign that she doesn't like to talk about it

slightlyonedgemum · 03/03/2009 15:18

One wonders what will happen if he splits up with his new wife. Bet she won't be pleased when the next one says 'them or me'. She'll probably think her children deserve better.

Well done to you and your husband for being decent people and doing the right thing even though others don't.

OrmIrian · 03/03/2009 15:20

It's done now. It can't do much harm as I'nm sure she knows how you and your DH feel (as he sees them regularly).

FWIW I think it sounds terribly sad for the other children. What kind of person demands such a choice from someone they love?

Original poster

ishouldkeepitzipped · 03/03/2009 15:57

I have decided I will just leave it at that as dont want to upset MIL.

BIL is one of these people who has always had everyone else to sort out his problems, never taking responsibility for his actions. The children have different mothers and he has not paid a penny to support either of them. DH is lucky that both mums let him see the DC as really dont have to.

BIL/SIL are as bad as each other, both of them thinking that they are the 2 most important people on this earth.

As i said it is really nothing to do with me and will try and hold my tongue in future. Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:

warthog · 03/03/2009 16:31

i agree - actions speak waaaaay louder than words. your dh is doing them proud and they will never forget his efforts. it shows up your bil even more. how sad.

i'm sure your mil is fully aware of the situation.

but i wouldn't say anymore on the subject. i'm sure that small sentence gave her plenty of cause to think.

sobanoodle · 03/03/2009 17:54

Poor children. You have a lovely dh for making such an effort to keep in touch. And in contrast, what a heartless sil.

LiffeyBag · 03/03/2009 17:59

She must agree with you, even if she doesn't want you to rock the boat. It was an emotional outburst. Don't say anymore. That's enough really. Who could blame you just once for speaking out?

It's good that your dh is making an effort, it must shame his brother slightly even if he is paralysed to do anything about it.

My Mum's friend's son (with me so far) is a spineless wimp. He had a child with an x, and then got married to a girl who didn't tell her family her husband-to-be already had a child. She made him keep it secret! So she made him ashamed of it. He should have stood up to her from day one and said, nope, my child was here before you were.

Now he never sees his child, has two more with his wife and she threatens to cut off contact with her children if he sees the first child. WHAT a mess.

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