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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seriously thinking about leaving dh, but still love him in some ways...

21 replies

normalornot · 02/03/2009 21:40

That's it really. We've had some terrible times and when under stress or facing difficult times (or sometimes just life issues in general) we bring out the worst in eachother. We've had counselling and things improve a bit for a while then drift back. I don't feel emotionally close to him and we've hardly ever have sex for last 3 years.
he knows it's likely i'll leave & thinks i may be happier (it's likely i'll get together with someone else and dh knows all about this). His acceptance of the situation and the fact we've been able to talk calmly and maurely about his and sorting out money and the house, etc have bizarelly made feel feel closer to him and want to hug him more :0. To say i'm confused is an understatement. Is it normal to close this when you're about to leave?

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Original poster

normalornot · 02/03/2009 21:41

Last sentence should read "feel this" not "close this"

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HolyGuacamole · 02/03/2009 21:53

No sex for 3 years. Whew. And you have a potential someone else on the backburner?

Probably better calling it a day sooner rather than later, rather than entering into the vicious cycle of arguing/stress again. You don't have to hate someone to split up with them.

Original poster

normalornot · 02/03/2009 21:56

Just feels wierd as I feel as thought i like dh so much more now. it's sort of as though as he knows i'm proably leaving, he can't hurt me again and there'll be more more stress with him. Sure I'll miss him tho and that's scary. proably able had sex with dh about 5 times in last 3 years!!

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Original poster

normalornot · 02/03/2009 22:10

anyone else felt this when they left dh?

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HolyGuacamole · 02/03/2009 22:15

Probably because the stress of the arguing is off, you can talk to each other like 'friends' or 'adults' without getting all technical and niggling at each other.

Splitting up with someone is never easy, even if the person is a complete ar5ehole, there are almost always feeling of "am I doing the right thing?" and feelings of melancholy etc.

It's natural and you're only human. You guys have been together for a long time and you can't just switch off your feeling with a switch. If only it were that easy huh

veryembarrassedmummy · 02/03/2009 22:19

just to say I can empathise- we had less esx than you. 8 years

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 02/03/2009 22:51

You can like someone while not wanting to be in a couple-relationship with that person. Do you and him have DC together? If so, work on that goodwill and liking so you can be friendly co-parents.
Sometimes a couple-relationship has simply run its course and is best ended sooner rather than later if both feel pretty much the same way.

lilacclaire · 03/03/2009 00:05

I know what you mean, me and DP split up briefly a while back and while we were talking about practicalities, he was being very kind and considerate etc and I thought, why can you not be like that all the time, then we wouldn't be in this fucking situation!
Anyway, we're all sorted now, is there any chance that your DH might be feeling the same way as you?

jasper · 03/03/2009 00:11

yes I can relate.

I still love my exh very much and he loves me too.
we were useless as a married couple that's all.

Original poster

normalornot · 03/03/2009 08:28

That's just how i feel lilaclaire. we've talked about the house, money, etc, and ds and we've had sensible conversations and he's been very nice to me, even telling me i'd probably be happier with OM! I'm scared i'll miss dh too much and regret leaving. Counsellor said if that happens i need to remind myself of why i wanted to leave in the first place and how we don't seem to be able ot deal with living together. I do still love dh and he loves me

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BonsoirAnna · 03/03/2009 08:32

Yes, it is quite normal to feel closer to someone who you are having a calm, rational and constructive conversation with (albeit about splitting up) than to someone with whom you are arguing with no resolution or to whom you are not talking at all. Constructive dialogue is one of the greatest inducers of intimacy IMVHO.

Can you not have a constructive conversation about how you could live better together? Don't blame one another or highlight supposed faults/weaknesses.

Original poster

normalornot · 03/03/2009 08:34

Would be nice to think we could do that BonsoirAnna, but we#ve tried it lots of times and had counselling too. Never makes a difference in the long term

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BonsoirAnna · 03/03/2009 08:57

Then it just sounds as if you have the makings of an amicable divorce. Which is probably a good thing, isn't it?

Original poster

normalornot · 03/03/2009 09:38

Yes definately a good thing. Just feels wierd to feel like this about someone you're leaving!

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solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 03/03/2009 09:43

The problem is, because couplehood is pushed at everyone so hard as the only way to live, people forget that you can relate to nice people in other ways, that just because someone isn't partner material doesn't stop them being a good person and a dear friend.
Unfortunately, when the couple-relationship has run its course or just isn't working for various reasons, too much perseverance and endless counselling (bearing in mind that a good percentage of counsellors are fucking idiots) is more likely to make you hate each other than a fair and amicable separation would.

StercusAccidit · 03/03/2009 09:51

IMO you would miss him of course.. you have spent a good part of your life with him..it wouldn't be normal not to miss him.

I missed bits about my ExP even though he was a bastard.
I missed the spontanity he brought into my life..shaking us all awake at 4 in the morning and announcing he had packed stuff so we could go out for a day at the seaside, for example.
I don't miss the violence.
I miss the way he used to smile at me and be so thoughtful, caring and considerate, we were on the same page emotionally tbh.
He just liked to use his fists to make me into someone i wasn't.

You are normal. I am not being mean here, but you are being a tiny bit selfish clinging onto him because you will miss him/you may be afraid of your reaction/feelings when you see him with someone else.....Let him go, be free to enjoy the rest of your life and let him find someone who really wants him and appreciates him for who he is, ditto you.. good luck xx

Original poster

normalornot · 03/03/2009 10:53

Thanks stercus, i know i am being selfish by staying because of how i might feel. I'm beinf honest with him though and he just wants me take take time to make the right decision. I'm 99% sure i should leave and after a while get together with OM. How can you ever be 100% sure tho?

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Original poster

normalornot · 03/03/2009 12:55

It's quite reassuring to know that other people still get on with and even still love their xh/xp

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StercusAccidit · 03/03/2009 14:07

You can't be 100% sure unfortunately. I do hope you don't think i was being OTT or mean in my comments, its so hard to put it the right way in text without coming over all huffy and stuff.. didn't want to offend.

IMO you are heading for an amicable seperation which is great and will be a lot less stress on you and DC's..if you have any.. how do they feel about it? Have you discussed it with them yet?

You will miss him..some days you will regret leaving him tbh, the grass might not be greener then you will feel terrible, i am only being honest.. if the new DP doesn't measure up to your DH, if you compare them, ect.

I cannot advise on this, as have had only 2 relationship breakups where there were kids and violence involved so it was easy for me not to miss ExP's.. one man i went out with cheated on me and broke my heart but we are still friends, and he's lovely, i have sort of knocked our friendship on the head a bit because DP didn't like it, even though i would never go back to my ex ever.

I hope you can find the best way forward for the two of you whether you decide to split or stay together.. and sometimes, the shock and fear of losing you may shake up the behaviour of a partner so your DH may be making an effort..but not allowing himself to be emotional towards you in case you DO decide to go. He may hope silently that you'll change your mind, i don't know. It must be sad for him as well to have the certainty there is someone ready in the wings to step straight into his shoes

You have had time to prepare emotionally, don't be surprised if he hasn't..be kind as you can and gentle with him no matter what you decide. But well done in a way as you have been open with him to the point where it won't be a devestating shock if you leave.

Original poster

normalornot · 03/03/2009 14:35

Thanks stercus. I don't think you were being huffy or OTT at all . We have one ds who is 2 so is too young to really understand. My dh has changed small things about his behaviour but i don;t think it's enough unfortunately. Potential new partner won't wait forever and i'm really putting myself under pressure to decide once and for all neither dh nor OM are pressuring me, but we can't go on like this for much longer .

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StercusAccidit · 03/03/2009 15:47

Aw well i wish you all the best of luck and hope its all amicable and friendly esp for the LO's sake, i do have to admit when i split up amicably with someone and remain friends i tend not to miss them at all.. obv as they are still around, but it doesn't feel odd or whatever. I guess only time will tell, i know you will miss THINGS about him if you leave, why most people prefer a clean break i guess..

Solid Gold has, as ever, put it wonderfully, i would definately take her post on board tbh.

Take care flower n good luck with your decision.

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