Which boxes do you need to be ticked with your DP?DH??

[veryembarrassedmummy]

I am in a quandry over my relationship- my DH ticks some boxes but not all. I know this is "normal" but don't know which are the most important- my ideas keep changing. We have been together 20+ years.

I want someone who is stimulating company and good conversation- he isn't.

He is kind, reliable, solid, decent, reasonably thoughtful, faithful,has a good career, is a great dad, is completely unromantic and unimaginative when it comes to presents and celebrations.

I am a bit bookish, like a good discussion about topical issues, am more sociable.

He is a loner, has no friends and doesn't appear to need any at all, disppears into the proverbial shed to tinker with cars etc.

Physically, he is no longer "my type" and sex is well...not very often at all.

I just don't know if there is enough to keep us together, but I could end up with no-one at all .

Is these normal feelings for the majority of long- marrieds?

what did you like about him in the first place... he looks like he ticked a lot of important boxes imo...

for me when I realised my DH didn't care about me I knew that was the end,
and I really didn't worry about being on my own...

I liked the security, my biological clock was ticking, I had come out of long relationship with a man with loads of baggage- and my DH just seemed SO straightforward. Now, i think he is just not deep or complex enough for me. I did have doubts before the wedding and still do. He is easy-going to the point of being bland.

It sounds like he ticks quite a lot of boxes to me. It is very hard to find someone (or be someone?) who ticks every single box for another. Do all of these needs really have to be met by one person?

As you are sociable, can you not get the stimulating company and conversation from your friends etc? If the presents are not hitting the mark why don't you ask him to take you shopping next time it's your birthday etc - give him a clue what it is you would like to be bought, it is better than waiting for him to figure it out!

VEM - Just realised I havdnt answered your question - to answer it specifically

My DH ticks the following boxes:-
He loves me
He is mad about his family
He is loyal
He likes doing a lot of the same things I do
I know I come first for him
He is a bit of a lad - without the womanising bit
He is good in bed
He wants the best for me, respects me and believes in me
He veers towards left politically - but isnt too strident
He is a glass half full person
He is silly to my serious
He likes to stay up to late and talk nonsense with me over a bit too much red wine

The boxes he does not tick are:-
Wildly romantic
Can make me laugh my head off
Loves to dance
Dresses well
Really confident and outgoing
He apologises with grace when he needs to

I think if I had waited for someone to tick all of those I would still be waiting to be honest!

Oh yes those feelings are normal! Can you get intellectual debate with anyone else? friedns? Join a book club? Start a course? I think its unrealistic to expect your partner to give you everything you expect. Are you all things to him?

The 'no longer my type' thing is a bit of a worry. What would it take to make him your type? Or is it the lack in the rest of your marriage thats putting you off him sex wise?

Or...could you just be going through a 'down' patch. We all get these too! ( I have been with dh over 20 years too)

veryembarrasedmummy - intellectual stimulation is very important in a marriage.

I don't mean to be rude but who would you say is the more intelligent person in your marraige. Is it you?

There is no doubt that the sexiest thing about my wife is her mind. I just love talking to her and her talking to me about something intellectual. I actually feel like I fall in love all over again and become quite breathless while talking over lunch with her. We go out specially to a nice restaurant once a week for lunch without DS1 and DS2 every week just so we can talk.

It sounds to me like you need to get an outlet for your intellectual side and then you would feel more fulfilled as a person and then be happier with the other things you enjoy about your DH.

Being happy in yourself will make your relationship without DH happier too.

What do you do as a job? If you don't work then maybe thinking about doing a course in something or working in sosmething really intellectually demanding would be just the thing.

MM- good questions which I have asked my self and don't know!

I can get intellectual debate elsewhere, possibly, but I need it from a partner- I find it a great turn-on to connect in that way with a bloke. I feel sometimes that he just has never "got inside my head" if that makes sense.

No longer my type- this sounds awful, but he is a bit skinny I like hunkier men now. That sounds so superficial and I don't mean it to- if things were better mentally/emotionally, I don't think it would matter.

I had great doubts before I married but went ahead. I suppose to put it very bluntly, Ijust don't find him interesting or stimulating company- he is very quiet, doesn't talk much unless I do- and I have givenup as he is not themost articulate person- though he is bright and has a degree- but I just get frustrated. All my other men were very articulate, and good at expressing themselves- he isn't.

I am going to have counselling to try to get to the bottom of it.

Abetadad- you have hit the nail on the head- I may not be the most intelligent but we have very different minds- he is an engineer, I am arty/literate type.

I really don't think the answer is to find that stimulation outside of my marriage - I need it from the person I am with. The work I do is intellectually challenging, but it isn't enough to replace what I need in a man.

I AM happy in myself- I have recently retrained and enjoy what I do. I am well educated.

The men I have loved before could make me laugh, talk til the wee hours on anything, and generally challenge me on my thinking. he is not like that at all.

Have to say I feel rather sorry for your DH to be judged so harshly by his DW .

I would have said your DH 'ticks the boxes' that make him a good, solid, reliable life partner. The boxes you say he doesn't tick are imo nice to haves not need to haves and I would suspect are rare in any man married for 20 years. My DH was 'wildly romantic' for all of a few months until he realised he didn't need to prove anything to me and that occassional gestures of affection were more than enough.

The fact that he's not your match intellectually seems to be a sticking point with you. Personally I find this odd, I have a PhD in molecular biology and am currently studying for an OU degree in humanities, DH is a mildly dyslexic electrician who rarely reads the paper let along anything else. Makes absolutely NO difference whatsoever to our relationship. I couldn't do what he does and he couldn't do what I do. Will it become a problem in the future? I don't see why, I married him for who he is, a kind hearted, gentle, fiercly loyal family man who will stand by my side as our family grows and then hold my hand til the end. I may want him to be wildly romantic on occassion, I may want shirt ripping sex on occassion but what I NEED is what I've got and he sounds very like your DH tbh.

I think what I'm trying to say is perhaps you should try and be a glass half full person too. See him for all the good and positive things he brings to your marriage, rather than how he fails to live up to your hypothetical, rather unrealistic list of wants.

What an interesting thread, am very interested in the intellectual compatibility side of things. Pheebe, am in a similar situation to you, highly educated with a DP who's a carpenter. I know so much more than him but he has an enquiring mind and loves to learn things from me. He's very deep and spiritual and thinks outside the box all the time (sorry a ghastly phrase but descriptive)and despite the difference in our backgrounds we are so in tune mentally that it sometimes takes my breath away. We just talk and talk and talk.

So I don't think it's got anything to do with education/intellect really, it's got to do with the mind/spirit, simple as that. I know exactly what you mean embarrassedmummy when you say your DH has never got inside your head and I disagree with the general consensus here - I think it's really important in a long-term relationship that you connect mentally and it's hard to be fulfilled without that. My parents have been married 52 years and have a great marriage due to the fact that they connect in that way. My mum still says how much she enjoys talking to my dad about good, meaty subjects. The fact that your DH is a loner too would concern me, I find that a really unattractive trait.

How old are your kids? If they're almost adults, I'd suggest you consider your options and not to worry about whether you'll find anyone again. Either you will (and I met my DP after I got divorced at age 50) or you won't. And being on your own can be the most fulfilling experience - life can be fantastic without a man as I found after separating from my ex-H. I would mention too that I have a DD of 9 who's very happy because me and her dad have a good relationship.

I don't think women have to settle for the type of relationship you're describing anymore embarrassedmummy. Maybe when we had to rely on men financially it was different. I'd guess you're younger than me and that means you have a lot of life left to live.
Why spend it with a man who bores you so much? He does sound decent and I'd suggest that the fact that he's completely unromantic and unimaginative when it comes to presents and celebrations is irrelevant, but life is too short to spend it with someone who no longer stimulates you mentally or physically. I totally accept that no relationship can tick all the boxes but for me at least, mental connection would be one of the most important boxes that needs to be ticked.

Don't underrate the kindness and solidity of your dh.

My dh has the intellect, the knowledge, the sense of humour... but he is on an incredibly short fuse ALL the time. I fantasise about someone who is laid back and thoughtful. Hang the sparkling conversation. It's too tiring.

Intellect is important for me too- i don't think i could be with someone long term who, er, wasn't very bright. My DH is (i would say) brighter than myself, and we don't neccesarily have deep debates every day but we do 'get' each other. If you value conversation, don't find him stimulating and you find he's unsociable, then those are pretty big things to have missing.

I can't say i have many other 'boxes' that need ticking, other than humour, kindness and attractiveness of some level.

My DH is definately my 'other half' though- i still get butterflies after 10yrs and 2 kids.

I read a study the other day that said the key to long happy marriage was a small age difference, time alone and 2 shared interests or hobbies.I think as i share a few interests with my DH, we enjoy each other's company and can find things to talk about.

i'd feel awful if DH made a list of things i do / don't match upto. Ignorance is bliss in my case!

I enjoyed reading what you had to say Sparky. On reflection, I suppose I would concede that whilst expecting one person to meet all your needs seems a bit unrealistic, the mental connection, spark, whatever is a big one to overlook in a marriage or long term relationship. Very different from having the same level of educational qualifications though. Am watching this thread with interest...