Anyone asked a parent to break contact for a while?

[Lindenlass]

I have been hurt repeatedly by my father my entire life. It's usually when he forgets my birthday (please don't say this is trivial - this comes on top of a very long and unpleasant history) or my stepmothers sends my children presents but they're quite clearly her doing, not his IYSWIM. Every time I feel hurt and cry a lot - I have a lot of unresolved issues from my childhood and bad memories that are stirred when this happens. I'm having counselling anyway so will be spending a lot of time talking about him.

But in an effort of self-preservation, I'd like to write him a letter explaining that I'd rather he just stopped contacting me for the meantime so that, when he forgets about me, I can know it's because I asked him to, not because he's a shit IYSWIM.

Has anyone done anything like this? People I've spoken to about this say 'I wouldn't do that...you'd really regret it if anything happened to him' but is that true? Has anyone broken contact and then found it impossible to cope when that person's died?

Thanks for any advice/experience.

Hi.

My experiences may help you. I stopped talking to my mother after a huge row on Christmas day about 4 years ago. It too came after many years of hurtful behaviour.

Then about a year ago my aunt called me and told me that my mother was gravely ill. She had issues with her pancreas and the word cancer was mentioned, but not diagnosed in the end.

When it came down to it, I decided to go and visit her in hospital. I decided to do it so if she did die, she didn't die with things unresolved, I guess. I didn't do it for me, I did it for her.

It was a very emotionally draining time. I felt better for having done it, but not actually doing it, if that makes sense. I was glad I was able to see her. But once she was better (and even when she was ill - she called one of the nurses a 'black bitch' when I was there!) she turned back into her normal self. That simply reinforced to me why I had made the decision to cut her out of my life.

So, that is the closest my experiences come to yours.

Please do think carefully about your letter. Think about what you want. Are you wanting him to do what you say you are asking and not contact you? Or are you wanting him to make more of an effort?

From your short post I think what you actually want is more contact, but you are asking for less. If he does what you request, you may be left even more upset.

Think about what you want and then try to word it in the clearest way possible, so that there is no way that it can be misunderstood. That would be my advice to you.

I hope it all gets sorted soon for you.
x

You need to cut yourself off from him emotionally, not actually physically IME. So you stop expecting things from him. This has been going on your entire life so it doesn't look like it's going to change. I think writing such a letter is a bad idea because:

1. He could show it to someone and make you look neurotic (by saying the contents are not true and behaving like a model father)

1. It won't do any good because it has been going on so long.

My father and stepmother are rather like this and I have found what I have done to be very effective. I stop feeling hurt. I concentrate on the people who do really love me like my mum and my brother and future SIL etc.

He won't make more effort, he will never change. I have accepted that, but it still hurts. I want him to stop contacting me so it's my doing not his when he forgets IYSWIM. I manage perfectly fine between birthdays etc. when I don't hear from him. I get upset when he randomly does call because it's always because he wants something and not actually because he fancies a chat with his daughter.

So basically every contact with him is painful at the moment, and I feel that I not only need to protect myself, but also my children because it's no good for them seeing me get so upset.

Thank you for your post. It reinforces to me that I wouldn't want to say to him 'I never want to see you again' just to say 'at this moment in time, I'd rather you didn't contact me because it's too upsetting when you do'

Please, does no one else have any thoughts?

FWIW, I don't think it will achieve what you want it to. I understand your logic, but relationships aren't logical. It isn't going to stop the pain of your broken relationship.

Also, you don't say whether your Dad is intentionally hurting you or just doesn't realise his role as a Dad? It may be that you are punishing him for actuions (or non-actions) that he is unaware of? Is he aware? What was his life like as a child?

I think we are the generation that has realised that we can change how we live life, and don't have to follow the pattern of our upbringing. Our parents are often just products of their upbringings.

I think that if you do this, you will find it impossible to cope if he was to die, because you are so conflicted about how you feel.

You need to work on expecting nothing, and being pleasantly surprised by any contact, and go from there.

My father sounds very similar to yours. When I tell him I'm not happy about a certain behaviour he thinks it's me that has the problem. He has limited contact with his siblings as they have problems too according to him - he thinks it is everyone else not him. So I wouldn't write the letter - but you need to distance yourself emotionally. I don't expect anything and if he's pleasant towards me then that's a nice thing, but that's all. He still does get to me sometimes though and upsets me. My DH is great at helping me see things sensibly, also my father's brother and sister (my aunt and uncle) are always there for me to chat too.