Thinking of --killing-- leaving my husband

[NowIHave2]

Ok I've name changed for this, please forgive me. I just don't want RL friends to know this is me, sorry I'm having a crap day month year.
I've been married for 5 and a half years, and I feel like i am constantly making sacrifices to keep my husband happy. We've lived in different cities, countries even since our marriage, all as I have never wanted to say no to him, fearing that if I stop him doing something he wants to do he will turn around and resent me in years to come. Don't think i havent made it perfectly clear when I have been unhappy tho.
Anyway when I got pregnant with DC1 who's now 3, things changed, partly by choice but largely by 'fate' ( not the right word but I'm too angry right now to bother thinking of it). We ended up living together and after alot of time and arguements things began to improve. Then when dc1 was 18month the next brain wave...lets move overseas (to a truly horrible country), I DIDN'T want to do it, I was clear with this from the start, it meant me leaving friends, family, career, home, but yet again I agreed to do what makes him happy as I wanted to be the supportive wife, I didn't want him to give up his dreams for me...
Anyway we moved, nearly 18 months ago, all the promises he made have not come to fruition, I hate it here, we are still stuck in his parents house adn now I have dc2. We agreed that if I hated it we'd go back after 6 months...at 6 months I begged to go back...he asked for more time, I gave it...
Alot of unexpected things have happened since the move, some out of his control, some I feel are due to his lack of interest/organisation. Now I've had enough. He's distant, uninterested, grumpy, yells at me and the kids including our 4 month old dc2. I've told him how I feel and all I ever get is "I'm too tired I can't talk now, I'm going outside for a cigarette"...we don't talk we just argue...my dc1 told him 2 days ago that "i don't want you {daddy} to put me to bed cos you yell and shout at us"...last night we argued because he wanted to leave dc2 (not yet 4 months), horrid colic and teething, to scream self to sleep, stating that dc1 will not go to sleep because of my crap hippy parenting and i'm spoiling dc2 too (dc1 has ALWAYS had sleep issues, dc2 not so much-it seems!)...everything is an arguement...nothing I say makes a difference.
I don't feel like i'm having a relationship right now...more like we share kids...I don't feel valued or cherished.
I don't know what to do next...part of me wants to leave, and go back to england, part of me wants to keep my family together. Sometimes I see a dad who adores his kids (and he does, when he's good with them he's very good), but sometimes I see a monster. He insists he loves me, but he never changes, and nothing changes. Part of me thinks I am the problem, I've given ultimatums but backed down as I dont wnat to break up family, maybe it's time to make a stand and leave, but I'm scared...my house in england is rented out, our furniture has been destroyed, my car was sold and the money went to pay off debts he brought to the marriage, the same can be said of most of my savings, I have no family. I've only worked for 6 months (part time) in the last 3 years, and not for the last 18months (since we left uk), dc2 is still not even 4 months.
I'm really not sure what to do.
Sorry this is so long

Maybe the ultimatums have to be a reality. Part of me thinks because you have never carried out your threats, he continues because there are no consequences?

You say you have done everything his way to sop him from resenting you in the future. Well, it looks like you are now the one resenting him for the same reasons, naturally so

You shouldn't be living with his parents. You are your own family and its ok for him because it is HIS mum and dad but what about you? Selfish git that he is. Has he no sense of independence, of responsibility for being a man and looking after his family?

You can get tenants out of your house if you need to. I had to do this in the past when I was in a situation where I had to get out of a relationship quickly. Nothing is impossible.

HG - how do you get tennants out of your house in this situation? Sorry ti hijack thread.
NIH2 - It sounds as if you need to make some changes, you sound very unhappy, it looks like a mountain to climb at the moment but break it down into stages, start by finding out how you would go about moving you and your children back to the UK, where would you live, your rented house or elsewhere, what benefits you would be entitled to, which friends you could call on for help, what happened to your furniture? Is there none of yours left? You'd need some but second hand would do to put you on.
All things like this need to be addressed before you can do anything about your situation. I also think, as HG said, maybe your ultimatums have to have some substance to them, he's pushing the boundaries with you and your allowing this to happen, I understand you want to keep your family together and you do everything you can for your children but you have to be happy. Would things be better if you didn't live with his parents? I imagine that to be quite stressful at times for you and probably your DH too, do you know why he yells, what's the story behind that, just a short temper or are things getting him down? Perhaps he is not as happy as you think. Could you agree to have a very frank and open conversation with him about everything - maybe he is not happy either and is thinking about making changes.
Keep smiling - as HG said "nothings impossible"

I wrote them a letter giving 2 months notice (this was about 5 years ago, so the law might be different?). I also explained the situation in my letter, thanking them for being excellent tenants and explaining that I had nowhere else to go and that if they managed to find somewhere else in less than 2 months that I would have been really grateful because I was in such a desperate situation.

I then followed up the letter with a phone call, apologising and explaining that I realised the position I was putting them in. They were very nice about it and understood my situ and I was back in my own house within 3 weeks. I got up on the morning of leaving, the bastard exP went to football and I moved my stuff out so that when he came back I wasn't there. Shock and awe.

He spent a good couple of months crying down the phone trying to get me back but actually moving out made me realise that I didn't want to be with him and the thought of him started to disgust me. There was no going back and the sense of freedom was amazing. I couldn't believe that I'd put up with the shithead for so long!! And, moving out was not an easy decision, I spent AGES hoping he'd change, walking on eggshells, chance after chance, etc etc.

NowIHave2 - your DH needs some serious words and a realisation that you will take action. Sorry to hijack with my story, but I just wanted to show that "nothings impossible". I'm not saying you definitely need to leave in that way, but he needs a real kick up the jacksie, he needs reason to change.

HG & OM thanks for the good advice...no apologies for hijacks please, I'm happy (bad choice of word...not happy you've had to go through cr*p) happy for any advice you can give.
I know H is having a hard time too now, he works long hours (for no extra pay), he's always done this, in part because it's whats expected, in part because he loves his job. He feels rubbish that we are in this situation...I know he does...but he doesn't show it, or do anything to change it.
He comes home knackered and is unwilling to talk. My frustration is that he is ALWAYS there for his friends and his work but not for us, he seems to be takng no action to improve our situation. Things NEED doing to help us move forward but he just says he doesnt have time. These are not things I can do on his behalf.
Alot of the stuff that has happened could not have been imagined, sorry I can't explain what happened to furniture as it will identify me straight away, things that have happened to us are so damned unbelieveable.
Getting out of his parents house is hard, largely due to the furniture issue, plus we need 6-12 months rent in advance, i just want to see he is doing something. Things with his folks are fine at th mo, b ut initially they were unbearable, REALLY horific, I left to uk for extended holiday and refused to come back til we had our own place, he rented a place, i came back, facing the knowledge that it was back to his parents or deliver dc2 without him. came back as seemed best for kids, then 'suprise' with furniture and we're stuck again, had to let the place go.
Thing is dc2 is now 4 months and dc1 was crawling by 6.5 monhs, doing a belly shuffle before that, i know il house will not be baby proofed,he has to get it sorted.
In all honesty i could just about cope with all this if h was not such a grumpy ass, especially to kids. EVERYTHING is an arguement, he wants me to leave the kids to scream themselves to sleep, we're pretty much in one room so not sure how that will work, lets no even start on cc or uncontrolled c in a not quite 4 monther, h has never been able to cope with bedtime dc1 s a poor sleeper still, and dc2 has had wrotten colic, it is stressful, especially in someone elses house, but a screaming h does not help the situation.
If i were to leave to the uk tomorrow, id have somewhere to go in very short term, but not baby friendly. i have lovely friends, but everyone has their own probs and i couldnt ask, i mean babies turn every house upside down, add a 3 year old...well.
youre right i do now resent h, his desision has put me through untellable stress from his parents, lost me my home, my car, job, friends and to a large dgree my freedom and independance. he has his nice big car, jib he loves, friends and family.
I do feel guilty for complaining, i have 2 amazing kids, my health, more than many.
Iknow its now hard for h togo back to UK in curent economic climate...
I'm stuck and I feel crap.
I dont think i have any rights to benefits in uk as have been out of uk for over 12 months...but unclear.
This is long and im rambling,m my brains fuddled...I'll shut up now

Just re-read that, sorry about spelling!
HG I have done serious words, again and again, for months. Everytime I say i'm leaving he talks me out of it, does the I'll never see my kids line, I feel so guilty, but this situation is really depressing me, and i'm starting to think i'm doing the kids no favours by staying.

NIH2 - gosh i can really understand what you are going through, in a similar cr*p situation myself, so i can understand how helpless you feel and how heart wrenchingly awful it is when you child says they don;t want to be near daddy. Mu little one can barely talk but has already learnt ;no daddy' whenever he comes near her. he won't accept its because of his shouting - he thinks because he is shouting at me and not her that dd shouldn't get upset!!!!

Rest assured you are making the right decisions as a mum, you know if it is right to let them cry to sleep or not - stick to your guns - a child will settle to sleep quicker if they are happy, tears before bedtime are hideous. I know lots of mums who have tried the controlled crying - it did not work for any of them, it just raises mum's stress levels to stratospheric heights! I think if they have not settled crying after 15 mins they are not going to until they are exhausted by the crying. I tried the rapid return approach, put dd in cot and return within a few minutes if she crys, settle her again, as soon as the crying beings to subside exit sharpish. if it starts up again, go back in settle again and leave. This way, so the theory goes, they know if they cry you will always be there, and they feel reassured. I think child care guidelines recommend not leaving a baby to cry for longer than 15 mins.

Sold my house to be with dp - bad mistake but i was trusting then. he then crashed my car so we are down to just one car.

Friends have offered to put me up too, and despite the house not being baby friendly, i took them up on it and they really really did not mind the upheaval and i am sure your friends won;t mind either. they will want to see you less stressed, rested and back to the happy confident person they know you can be, so give it a try, even if its for an extended holiday, to recharge your batteries.

I can understand why you want to give chance after chance, and then feel let down when nothing gets better. What about your long term goals? are you both in agreement? Short term you are in an awful place emotionally and you sound very low.

you are right to complain, don't feel guilty, you are entitled to be happy too.

lulus, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a time of it...I hope you are feeling better and the time at your friends has been beneficial. If you don't mind me asking...did that time away improve things?
I've come to the conclusion that I need to go back to the UK...I'm looking at it as a holiday, and whilst its perhaps not the most responsible thing to do financially (if we are to move forward here then we need to save for new furniture and an appartment) I really need the time away. I think it's not helping that noone in the UK has met DC2, and if I don't go now I prob wouldnt be able to go til november.
There is a big part of me that wants to say "stuff it", go back to the UK, get my house back and start getting my life back. I'll admit that I am scared to do it alone, I don't know where to start, but others do it so it must be doable.
If I'm honest I want things to work with my husband, I want my kids to have a dad...I didn't, and I know I missed out. Right now though I am very angry with him and very disappointed. He got home at 9.30 tonight...he had done nothing of what needed doing for the family, again he had no time...I don't have it in me to have another fight with him right now...I don't feel it will make a diference anyway...
Am I being weak by not leaving more permanantly ie 'til he sorts things out for us?
Am I being naiive to think things will improve even if he does...I mean he'll prob still shout at kids?
Am I just running away?
Should I find a backbone and move back to uk nd tell him to get stuffed until he can provide us with a home?
Should I stop moaning and thank my lucky stars for what I do have?
AM I being unfair on a man who does try and work hard for his fam, but IS very disorganised and oblivious, and a grumpy ass?
DOes he have his priorities wrong or do I?
Nothing seems clear anymopre...
Lulus you reminded me of when DC1 was about 7/8 months...after many battles about his sleep with H I agreed to try the approach of a very respected baby care author...an auther with a more baby friendly approach than many, seemingly very similar for the one that worked for you...my stubborn dc1 refused to settle by stroaking, patting, picking up...all that DC1 wanted was booby...after about a hour the book in question was thrown downstairs by H, the author being called a sadistic b and other such names...HE didnt have the stomach for even that...it was ok with 1 I just gave him booby and ppeace prevailed, but with 2...maybe I should let him try CC I doubt he's be able to stomach it! Who am I trying to kid...
Sorry I am rambling again...

What about talking to your friends back in the UK, explain your situation and maybe arrange a break away, just you and the kids. Time out away from him and an outside perspective will help you to clear your mind because you sound so maxed out with the stress of it. And tell him the truth about exactly why you are organising the break. Make no bones about it. Will that be enough to shift him up a few gears?

I tried to look up information on benefits applicable to your situ but couldn't find much that seemed helpful. You wouldn't be entitled to JS Allowance if you don't have enough NI contributions but I am not sure that the same goes for Income Support, Housing Benefit etc etc as they are not NI dependent. Others on here will know or you could email the DWP. Arming yourself with good information on your rights might also help convince your DH of your seriousness.

Thanks HG...it's really kind of you to take the time to help.

I wish I could talk honestly with my friends, I have an annoying RL habit of internalising everything and find it VERY hard to ask for help. I don't want to burden my friends with this...although I know its not a burden and I know they'd be glad to help.

You are right I do need to go, whilst I'm trying to look at it as a holiday, I do plan to land on the CAB's doorstep and find out what my rights are...I hate the thought of claiming benefits...getting on the plane scares me...God I can't believe what a whimp I am.

I've made it so clear that I am not messing about, I don't know how to make my feelings any clearer, yet H stil doesnt seem to get it...I've looked him straight in the eya and said,
"I am not joking, the way you are acting is jeapordising your family. If you want to loose us continue, if you want to keep us things have to change"
I've explained what I want...I'm not a woman who wants her man to read her mind. I've reminded him why I moved here as I didnt want to disrupt his dreams and cause him to resent me, I've said a marriage couldn't work like that. I've pointed out that I now resent him. I talk and talk and he says he gets it and will change, then nothing.

On the upside inlaws going away tomorrow for 2 weeks, so I can tell him at full throttle what a silly ass he is. Just hope the kids sleep well so I can kick his ass without interuption!

Thanks . It's why we love MN

In the case of your last post, you just need to make your own plans and continue until or unless he changes his ways. He is leaving you little other choice.

You won't be a burden to your friends but I know how hard it is to ask for help. You just need to bite the bullet. And don't even think about feeling bad for thinking about benefits etc. You need to know you can survive financially. Just do what you need to do to get yourself and the children happy again, that's what it is all about. Life is just too short to live the way that you are existing at the moment.

Every step you take whether it is getting on the plane or whether it is arming yourself with information, will give you confidence and that 100% is what you need.

You probably don't even realise, or have forgotten how strong you are

Thanks HG, I hope you are right...

I also hope that your stand resulted in a better and happier situation...you've got guts!

I'd better go to bed now...tomorrows another day, right?!

hi nowihave2 - in short yes it did help being away as I had a glimpse of how life in a normal family should be - how committed couples talk to each other and deal with the small things of life - things that make my partner hoping mad at me. It also showed me how calm and happy my little one was without the tension. And I was spoken to by my friends as an equal a person in my own right and some of my self confidence began to return. you are not running away - maybe a tactical retreat to recharge your batteries.

its given me the strength to tell him we are at last chance saloon - and i am house hunting - to rent - so i have a back up plan.

like you i want my little one to grow up with a dad - but i now realise he will never be the type of dad i wanted for my child. he will always remain selfish and self centered. for example, was called by a friend we saw on the weekend to say her little one has come down with something ghastly and was concerned that my little one might catch it. my dp's first reaction was not oh how is our little one, or indeed how is our friends little one, but can he catch it?!! tip of the iceberg.

as for the cc - its hard - maybe ensure that ds is very tired so will want to settle, a good runaround in the afternoon does the trick for my little one so she is yawning and rubbing her eyes. also find, limit the number and excitement of any bedtime reading and the bath!

I think its a good idea for you to get away, don't think about the money, you need the rest and time to think right now before you start to forget who you are and start feeling so low you become depressed.

sorry got to dash as little one wants to type too!!!

at your typing little one lulus, I always feel like dc1 is an octopus when i'm on laptop!
I'm really sorry that your time apart didnt make your dp more repentant, it seems that you're handling your situation brilliantly...I really hope it works out for you.
My day started with h yelling at 3 year old for not wanting to wee in the loo before nursery, and that he'd be late. (he drops himon way to work. He just doesnt get the softly softly approach. After alot of calming and coaxing i got him dressed, but, I'm just so sick of watching dc1 being reduced to tears.
I've reserved seats on flights, need to confirm booking but pretty much decided.
Just need to stay strong now.

Well done nowIhave2!

I hope you can get it all sorted out. Whatever you choose to do will be for the best and you can take your time. I hope your DH comes up trumps when you're away but if he doesn't then you are going to be fine. Either way it will be a new start for you.

My situ is great now, 5 years later I'm married to a fab guy and am happy with my wee life If you told me 5 years ago I'd be saying that I'd never have believed you in a million years!!

You just never know what is round the corner so don't give up hope that you can't have happiness.....ok!!

NowIHAve2 I am watching this thread with interest, as I can relate to your problems. My DD1 (2.7) also got yelled at this morn for making him late. It's not a school of parenting I ever wanted to subscribe to

A friend of mine suggested emailing thoughts/suggestions/summaries of conversations etc - to formalise in one way, to make it more real, and also as proof to yourself that you are trying objectively to sort things out.

Am just about to write mine to DP (feels weird)

Keep us updated

x

Good luck nowihave2 hope you have time and energy to confirm the flights and when you travel the flight is quick and easy.

holyguacamole - nice to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel and not all men are the same!

eviz sorry to hear that. good luck with the letter. may do the same with my dp. want to record it for myself anyhow as he often denies it later.

HG...I'm REALLY HAPPY to hear that things have worked out for you, it's good to see that taking a leap of faith can pay off. Thanks for the good wishes.

evis... for your dd. How did that letter go? It sounds like a good idea...keep us posted...Good Luck

lulus...Thanks for the good wishes...I hope it's easy too, bit nervous about travelling alone with 2 little people!

Well things here have got worse in some ways and better in others.
Wednesday was horrific on every level, the fault was mine Dc1 woke up in an evil mood...dc1's normally a sweet poppet, but wednesday was the day he decided not to isten at all, be hugely distructive, and throw tantrums over everything...whilst dc2 screamed every time i tried to put down.
Objectively dc1's behaviour is undoubtedly due to tiredness, the stress of the last couple of weeks and prob some supressed jealousy...but I shouted, then felt guilty and threw a fit at dh...I called (and called) h at work and told him he needed to pull his finger out, that i'd had enough and he needed to do more and do it without loosing his temp (but not that politely) when he said he's at work and needs to go, i said yeah i know later, always later, we never talk, just later, i also said what do you want to do about the kids as i cant cope and am going out...must have left him as he's been much better. (Oh before you panic, i obviously didn't leave the kids and never would...just wanted h to realise howirresonsible he can be, and that i dont enjoy tantrums and screams anymore than he does.)
Whilst I feel terrible for telling off dc1 when i think he needed more patience, the resulting fit at h was a good thing.
Yesterday and today are nat holidays here, dh has been lovely with kids, has taken more responsibility...despite dc1 telling him exactly what he thinks of him, and refusing to listen. he's tried (and failed) to put them to sleep but he's not shouted, despite tears and tantrums. think its also good that il's are away...we have toys everywhere and noone cares.

I've paid for flights, and made it clear that if things dont improve i'm not coming back...

Despite IL's being great, staying in their house is undoubtedly putting a strain on us. We need to get our own place...The catalogue of errors and the disbelievable have delayed this, my trip to the uk will undoubtedly delay it again financially, but fingers crossed. I really hope that H will get his act together...At least these 2 days have reminded me that when he's not yelling he is nice to be around...hope he stays this way.

hi there nowihave2 - was getting worried not to see a post from you, been thinking of you and hoping things picking up.

you will be fine on the flight, friend travelled recently and said the crew were great and helped out, and the little ones entertained by inflight movies (she did also take a borrowed portable dvd player!) and the meals take a while. they also had a few strolls up and down the cabin.

you definitely need your own space as a family, it never is the same trying to feel at home in someone else's home.

hope the holiday helps you re-charge your batteries and gives dh time to think and really see what his life would be like without you all - bloody lonely!

evis - how did the letter go? hope it helped open up some fruitful discussion.