Mother telling siblings I'm on the verge of divorce (not to my knowledge!)

[daisie4]

I've just returned from staying at my brothers with my dc and am so upset.

Apparently my parents have been telling him that my dh and I are on the verge of divorce and have been saying this for the last 7 years since birth of my ds. All our friends think we're perfectly suited and I don't know where parents have got this view. Their latest comment to my brother was after buying a holiday home "we were going to put it in your three names but were worried that if we (me and my dh) get divorced it will be messy)"

DH is away for a few days - I'm just wanted to share - I just can't believe it.

Why on earth would your parents think that?! Do you ever talk to your parents about problems you're having and they get 'involved'?

Do you mean because he might try to get the house in a divorce?

What does your brother think?

I think you should talk to your parents, ask them why they think you're about to get divorced and tell them you're hurt they could think like that, plus you're stronger than ever.

Also, tell your husband-if you laugh about it together you'll feel better.

oh gosh daisie4; totally understandable that you should be upset.

Nobody knows about the state of a relationship apart from the people involved, so any opinions like this are invalid and unwarranted. It's misguided and gossipy at best. I would be livid.

If I said anything to my parents they would deny it - they never admit anything is wrong, we were bought up on divide and conquer. But this is just such a shot out of the blue I'm astounded.

We are (me and my brothers) all labelled and can't change these labels. I'm trying to have a more distant relationship with them after another horrible emotional roller coaster year - its so difficult to distance yourself from your parents - it just feels unnatural. They are hper sensitibve to anything we do but expect us to accept everything they dish out - I'm just so upset.

I wonder weather counselling will help put ou childhood in propotion, andother days I think I should just try and focus on the fure. My dh is so supportive, but to veryon else they seem so nice (although they don't have any close relationships with anyone else.

Sorry I'm rambling now...

We don't have any problems in relationship to discuss with the. We have had other problems as I wanted to move back to an area we used to live in, couldn't sell house (credit crunch) and have now moved by renting ours out and renting another - but no probs with relationship - they just like to think everyone has problems to boast their own self esteem.

My parents are like this daisie4. What they are doing is making you question yourself. And trying to control you and your siblings.

I know how confusing and hurtful such commetns can be, especially when they have no basis in reality, and come randomly. If you are like me, you will have been trained to believe that you have no right to defned yourself either. It's despicable.

I've started comparing notes with my siblings after any communiques with my father, in order that he can no longer insinuate lies about us.

Counselling will not help you if it is them who are deliberatley shooting poison darts. You will feel better when you see them for exactly who they are. You must listen to your feelings - even if other people think everything looks rosy.

Thank you MS your situation does sound similar - how have you dealt with it? Have you cut or restricted contact?

I'm trying to cut down phone calls to once every few weeks and reduce visits, I feel like I'm going through a grieving process, but I do feel right about it.

OMG I've just read my post from last night and the typing is awful - I hadn't even been drinking!!!!

My parents have got divorced now and since then it has become clear to me that it was my dad who was really the source of the controlling behaviour, subtle insults etc.

I'm really just trying to decide whether to cut him out of my life - it's so hard to commit to as he is my parent after all. But every time I see him, I get terribly anxious and feel traumatised after - he is abusive but in a really subtle way. So for reasons of my sanity, I think I have to. My sister emigrated years ago and one of the reasons she did was to get out of my parents' orbit!

I think sometimes it's the right thing to do, and certainly now I only share niceties with my dad - I never let him know anything that I care about as he uses this information against me. So I'm very guarded with him - I think that can work as a strategy.

It is very to find you cannot have a loving relationship with a parent, but probably not your fault. What do your sibs think?