How do I ask him (DH) to leave?

[wheredidmyoldlifego]

Long story but without going right into all details, DH and I have one son, aged 4 and to say we've had our ups and downs is an understatement.

DS had cancer last year - has now finished treatment. Both DH and I got thru it, as you do, but now finding life difficult. Just the day to day of not knowing what each day will bring because if our son's cance returns, he will only be able to have palliative care to make him comfortable until he dies.

But even before our DS got so sick, I am not ure we have gotten along properly for years. I blame myself in that I had endometriosis for years - misdiagnosed for years too - so have been very poorly for ages. Feel guity that my DH has had to do than his fair share but like to think I'd have done the same if he'd been sick. Eventually had major surgery to remove part of my bowel and had a hysterectomy too - and am not endo-free!!!

BUT, I do not feel any love, as it were towards my DH. I could not care less if we ever had sex again. I went off it anyway before my surgery and during our son's treatment - is it me, or is sex really the last thing I should care about given the stresses in our life - but I get little comments all the time about 'he's got to get it from somewhere!'

The final straw was yesterday when some old friends were having a fundraiser to help send our DS on a holiday of a lifetime - NOW you would think theDH would also come? Nope - he decided to conveniently 'forget' the fundraiser was this weekend and arranged to got to the football and then get absolutely hammered with his brother. He also got really drunk on Xmas Eve and missed our family get together because he got blind drunk with his brother.

His family have been next to useless this entire time and his mother has done soem very devious things along the way including on our wedding day when she ordered flowers for her entire family, against our wishes...but that's for another time.

So after me saying I wasn't going into details, I want him to move out. I despise him. I don't like what he stands for. There's no spark and we don't enjoy doing things together - even as a family. He'd rather not bother. And to be honest, I'd rather not bother either.

But I worry about our son and the effect it will have on him. He's been through so much anyway and I'd hate for him to think it was his fault that mummy and daddy don't want to be together anymore.

Here's the thing...how do I tell him to go? We live in the town where his family live so I know he has places he can go to where I am sure his mother would love to do everything for him, including his washing and ironing and will no doubt have a dinner on the table every night - plus take every opportunity to have a dig at me....but hey!

So how do I do it?

bump for you. You're a brave lady and you deserve better. If he doesn't see how very lucky he is to have you and your son around, he's a fool. Let him go back to mummy. Hopefully someone has first hand experience of seperation and can advise you. Best of luck and love to your ds.

I think you owe it to yourself to sit down and talk with your DH and tell him how you're feeling. You might be surprised at what comes of it. You've been through a terrible time but so has he, people cope in different ways and not always by turning to the ones they care about most.

Even if you end the relationship and he does leave the family home you still have a son together and have to interact as coparents for his sake whatever the future brings.

I would advise you to seek professional counselling. Alone if your DH won't go.

Having never been in this position I'm not sure whether I'll be any help or not... but what would your DH do if you said what you've said here ie. I don't think this relationship is making either of us happy anymore, I'd like you to move out but for the situation to be as amicable as possible for the sake of DS?

Do you think he'll be difficult, is that why you're worried or is it more the physical how you're thinking about?

Sorry not to be more use.

Take care

You can ask him to leave, but if the house, whether rented or owned, is in both of your names, he doesn't have to. There's only one way to find out what will happen, and that's to ask him.

Funnily enough, your suggestions of speaking with him came about tonight before I checked back here and yes, we're both going through this horrid cancer thing - and both men and women do cope (or not) with things differently.

For example, I have counselling every few weeks with a specialist who knows about being a parent to a child with cancer. After a few sessions, DH stopped going and after speaking with him today, I asked whether he'd like to go again and he said no. The problem is unless he talks it out, and life is actually harder post-treatment as it's not being treated!

So he's hurting right now as he's tired having gone back to work, plus he wnt to the football yesterday with a colleague and his colleague's 20-year old son. He was sad because he realised in a very real way that he may not get this opportunity - you know, to buy season tickets for him and our DS and know they'll be there week in, week out once DS gets to teenage and older. After all, our DS has less than 50% chance in reaching his 9th birthday (and he's just turned 4).

So with this realisation, he ended up getting horrendously drunk. Not the best thing to do but hey, he doesn't get drunk very often - the last time being Xmas Eve, but when it happens to be when we've something significant to do with our DS and I??

So I am going to promise myself to speak with my counsellor tomorrow and also open up communication channels with my DH as much as possible this next week and month and see what happens...for our DS's sake...

Thanks for your kind words and advice.