Have to see mil tomorrow for first time in 8 months

[lunchfromhell1]

Accidentally posted this in other subjects so apologies for double post

Am having lunch with mil tomorrow, we have not seen nor spoken to one another in 8 months since she slagged off me and my family while we were on holiday - she knew I could hear through the paper thin walls but wouldn't dare say ahything to my face.

T'was all lies but she has since made up things that she has now repeated so many times that I think she actually believes them now. She has tried to convince dp that these things are true but thank goodness he knows she is a loon and completely believes me.

Dp cut her off for a long time but has slowly upped his contact with her so I am only seeing her for his sake. We are getting married this year and his family are so dysfunctional that his parents are about the only people we have invited.

She has a terrible martyr complex, if she doesn't get her way one of her conditions starts to play up or she makes up lies to pitch herself as the victim.

Just looking for sympathy if I'm honest, I can't bear the thought that she feels she has a hold on my dd when she doesn't give a toss about her and just wants to play the doting granny, held back by her evil dd.

I tried so bloody hard after dd was born despite mil treating me like crap for years as I hoped that now we had a link through my dd we might be able to have a relationship but it has all been thrown back in my face.

Need a scream aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

You scream LFH and good luck. I too have a MILF (X) and she sounds the same. Grin and bear it and have aveery large glass of wine when you get home. You are being the biggeer person.

No have a large glass of winr before you go

Big glass of wine before hand is good. Can't have any while there as that will make me a bad parent. Dp could drink himself into a coma and the same wouldn't apply but that is by the by.

I could also point out that she left her own children to stay overnight with a known paedophile but we can't rake up the past now can we and lets face it bfing your 13 month old is a far worse crime than that.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Actually that last post makes me sound really bitter.

I AM BITTER!!!! SHE MAKES ME SO UNREASONABLE AND I HATE IT!!!!

(finishes shouting now)

In that case I would go out of my way to have a large glass with my lunch and just pretend not to notice her disapproval.

Practise smiling before you go, I take it you've chosen somewhere where the service is fast?

Why are you having lunch with her?

why are you meeting her?

Apart from the obvious questions being directed at you I would also ask why your partner has chosen to up the level of contact with her over time (out of feeling sorry for the woman, feelings of guilt?. Such feelings are though often misplaced).

Such toxic people like your MIL can also cause problems across the generations as well; her son has been profoundly affected by her as well as you now. She will affect your DD as well.

People like your MIL never apologise nor admit any wrong doing. She is both a toxic parent and inlaw.

The problem attila is though that she is still her husband's mother. I agree thta she sounds awful, but for a son to completely cut himself off from his mother is really awful.

You have my complete sympathy. I hate my MIL with such a passion, but make an effort for my DS and DH, although DH also has great difficulty with her.

I sound so childish when I talk about the situation with her but she has upset me so much over the past few years (constantly reducing me to tears while I was pregnant and not caring one bit) that I don't think my own feelings towards her will ever change. Over ten years I've gone from finding her a bit difficult to despising her more than anyone else on the planet.

FIL is going through chemotherapy at the moment, which is obviously awful, so I am trying even harder for everyone's sake but it's really hard work. DH tries to see his dad without her when he can and we try to limit our visits to once a month or less because otherwise we both feel that our relationship with them would deteriorate further and that won't help anyone. So, I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes seeing these odious people is necessary but so is limiting time spent with them!!

Hi brettgirl

re your comment:-

"The problem attila is though that she is still her husband's mother. I agree thta she sounds awful, but for a son to completely cut himself off from his mother is really awful".

To your first sentence I would have to reply "so?". Not saying you're completely wrong but that sentiment is often expressed by people who fortunately have not come from such dysfunctional family units themselves. So therefore they have no real understanding of what these people can and are capable of.

We would not tolerate such rubbish from a friend, why should parents be any different?.
Why is cutting off so if she is so awful towards not just her son but to his own family also?. Cutting off too is certainly not done on a whim but after much anguish too. This woman gave birth to her son but it looks like that's all she really did.

WibblyPigRocks

You may want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as a starting point as it may help you.

Flogging a dead horse for sake of societal convention (I presume this is why you keep up some sort of a relationship with the odious MIL along with guilt if you don't) is actually not worth doing. No-one least of you you and your DH benefit. Your DH also has great difficulties with her too and likely since his childhood as well.

Does your H find it difficult to stand up to his parents?.

These problems as well can become generational in nature.

Everyone has to play a part in wanting a better relationship and you cannot achieve that on your own. Your MIL from what you write clearly does not want to take any responsibility for her actions let alone give you an apology for what she has done.

Lunch, I can't stand my xmil, and on the rare occassions I have to see her I am icily polite and very, very distant. Discuss nothing emotive at all. The weather, fashion, what's on tv etc.

SHe'll know that you have relegated her from mil to merely an acquaintance of sorts.

hope it is going okay xxx

hope you survived...... I haven't seen or spoken to the bitch woman who gave birth to DH for over two years. God I admire you!