How you would you feel about this?

[savannahthefirst]

If a friends dh's xp killed herself, he discovered the body and didn't arrange a funeral for her, just let hospital take her. Also lied to her friends about what had happened to her, said she'd moved out. This was 13 year ago and he has only ever told my friend. it's changed my opinion of him, and i know friend finds it scary. They're having problems anyway and are likely to split up but this really disturbs me

I know the death of xp has bothered her for years (not just since OM appeared)but there have been many other issues in their relationship which have made her desparately unhappy. I don't think she would move in with OM straight way if she left her dh.

Really? Even with OM waiting?

If it bothers her, his behaviour is bad, she's only happy by turns and isn't getting much from the relationship she should leave him. End of.

Well yes, why doesn't she just leave him? Is she scared that if she tells him she's leaving, she will suddenly, mysteriously 'commit suicide' instead?

Frazzle - what do you mean by "only happy by turns". Think it just feels wrong to her to go staight from h to moving in with OM

No, 100% sure she's not scared of HIM commiting suicide. When she left before, her dh did very little to try to get her back and afterwards admitted he made a conscious decison not to persaud her to come back, as said it had to be up to her. Fair up to a point but also quite cold and seemingly unemotional?

I mean, she's happy some of the time and 'desperately unhappy' over many other issues, apparently for plenty of the time.

As for the whole "trying to get her back" thing, I do think the husband has a point. either she wants to be there or she doesn't.

Surely once the DH states he'd like her to come back he shouldn't have to jump through hoops? Or is she quite childish and enjoys that sort of thing?

Addressing problem behaviour a very separate issue, of course, I am just going on your phrasing.

Savannah, I really, really don't get what you are in such a state about here. Do yo uwant everyone on MN to say the bloke must be a real shit, or something? Your friend left him, and he accepted that she left him, now you're having a pop at him for being 'cold'? You say he has a temper, yet at the same time you say he's 'unemotional'.

ALso, I think you misread my post: I meant, is your friend afriad to leave because she thinks that she will be found dead, allegedly by suicide ie she is afraid to leave because her DH will murder her like he did his XP.
But reading your subsequent posts doesn;t suggest she thinks that.

Actually we had a poster who had a v similar situation with her husband (dead girlfriend and all)- here's the link, some of the advice might be useful.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/617162-how-important-is-it-to-feel-fancied-by-dh-and?fm=12571557# 12571557

are you mymittens/vbadindeed/littlemucky in disguise? again?

sorry sayithow it is - not sure who you're talking about. I'm savannahthefirst, not disguising anything!

Then I apologise Savannah. I think you really should read the thread that frazzled linked for you. And any you can find that were started by the other usernames I gave as they are all the same person and her story sounds like a carbon copy of the one you have written about. maybe your friend is MM/VBI/LM? It seems hard to believe there could be two people whose stories are SO similar! Even down to the fact that the DH has been labelled 'cold' violent, the other op left to be with her previous xp before Xmas then returned to DH. The violence is usually further explained as an accident, or even instiated by the other OP, anyway, i'm sure you get the picture and can see why I am just a tiny bit sceptical about this one!

If this really is about your friend, I think she may be using you ti get the attention she so clearly craves.

And timeforchange - thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=698090-can-you-get-over-violence-in-a-marriage#1 4222507

If you really are presenting your friend's situation, it does sound very much like she's done quite a lot of it herself already!

Savannah, if you are friends with that mad cow then it's no wonder you are confused. THe best advice anyone could give you would be to walk away from her: unless and until she gets therapy she will remain a bottomless pit of whining self-obsession. No one can fix a person like that until tthey decide to help themselves.

Anyone taking bets on how long it'll be till the next thread?

What do you reckon the odds are on this one Frazzled? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/714444-Seriously-thinking-about-leaving-dh-but-still-love-him-in I reckon its better than evens!

I agree, thought it'd be more than two days though!

Or how about this one?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/716556-marriage-with-no-or-litle-sex-or-leave

Good grief.