Do I stay or do I go?

[qumquat]

Hi,

I'm really keen to ask the advice of people older and/or wiser than me. I'm 30 and have been with DB for 6 years, it's been long distance most of the time but I'm about to move in with him, and I just don't know if I should do it or not.

I've had doubts on and off the whole time of the relationhip, but as I'm an inveterate "grass is greener" kind of person I've tried to ignore them. (I did split up with him once and predictably changed my mind within hours). But the more weddings I go to the more I wonder if I could ever make that commitment.

DB is the most wonderful, caring, loving many I could ever dream of having, we also get on fantastically well, he is my best friend and we can talk about anything. I just don't fancy him as much as I would like. Sometimes I just wish sex didn't exist as it's the only downside of our relationship. I've never had another boyfriend though so I have no idea if it's just me that doesn't enjoy sex . . I love him so much but am I kidding myself that I can cope with this dissatisfaction long term? I'm so confused because on the one hand people say it's companionship that matters, but on the other they say don't "settle".

The other complicating factor is that I am insanely broody and terrified that if we split up I will never get the chance to have children. This sounds terribly selfish written baldly like that, I don't want to just use him for his sperm, I do love him and want to make a life with him, but there's this background doubt and feeling I'm missing out that I want to get rid of. Any advice/experience welcome!! Thank you!

Difficult to advise because on the one hand you seem to have a good relationship with a good man. However I cannot imagine going through life never having had really good sex!

If you say you can talk to him about anything can you talk about your sex life and try some new stuff...

My experience would say stay with a good man who you can trust and make it work - make the sex fabulous - buy books, do workshops, watch porn - whatever it takes!

Have fun!

So the only major issue for the wobble is sex? Have I read that right?

Could / would you go for er, sex counselling or suchlike to help?

Well from what you've posted there it really doesn't sound like you should be making a long-term commitment to him.

He's loving, caring, wonderful, etc,. BUT you don't fancy him, can't see yourself marrying him.. Yes, companionship is important but if, even before you start living together, you are already feeling dissatisfied with the state of your sex-life then that doesn't bode well for the future.

You say he is your only boyfriend - I think you need to be free for a while and date other people.

You're too young to settle and with a long distance relationship the sex should be fabulous because you don't see eachother all the time (I'm in an LDR and I fancy my BF like mad). Couples often get to the best friends stage after years of marriage/being together and that's fine but to feel like this before you commit doesn't bode well. I'm a lot older than you (21 years in fact) and hopefully wiser too. I can go without sex when I'm not in a relationship but it has to be good when I'm in one and it's really important to me (more than ever).

As for the broody thing, stop panicing immediately! Whilst you don't have ages and ages you do have a few years yet. I had my first child at 42 and it's turned out just great even though I'm no longer with her father. Whilst all the good qualities you describe in your BF are wonderful, a sexless marriage at your age would in my mind be a disaster. The fact that you've never had another BF rings very loud alarm bells for me too. You need to experience more of life before you commit yourself to this man and listen to your gut instinct which is has been telling you you have doubts for a long time. Last thing, try not to think too much about how you'd hurt him if you broke up; it would hurt him much more if you married him and possibly had his kids and then split up after that. You have to be true to yourself.

im not much older than you, but 30 is still very young. lots of the mums at school are having children well into their 40's, so i think you are worrying prematurely there.
you have 40 odd more years of life, do you want to spend them with someone you are not entirely sure about?
if i could have my time again i wouldnt have settled for second best, had child with him, broke up and messed childs life about because i wasnt happy in the same ways that you are not.
have you considered seeing a sex therapist? personal question, but are you orgasmic? if you could get the sex thing going sounds like an ideal relationship.
bit of a mishmashy post thats taken an age to write between jobs, so please excuse that.

I second juliaruralwife, you need to work on good sex a lot of the time. Practice and communication make a big difference, I would be hesitant to write off the relationship without trying to fix it first.
If it can be fixed, then yes your too young to settle.

Sorry, that should read:
If it CANT be fixed

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought! I am going to be at his flat for 5 weeks over easter so hoping that might help my get clearer on things. Although I've said that many times before . . I think I'm stuck in a can't commit to him/can't imagine life without him dilemma.

Oh, and yes, I do orgasm, I just feel it
's all a bit, er, mechanical, with the technique but without the chemistry. God I fel terrible saying that!

I think if you are not that bothered about sex with him, the only way you could make a long-term, living-together couple-relationship work would be if he isn't ery bothered about sex with you either.
Because if he wants you sexually and you are not keen, it won't take that long before you start to despise him, then resent him (when someone desires you but it isn;t mutual, their desire very quickly becomes disgusting to you).

Sometimes long-distance relationships last longer than shared-home ones because you don't have the opportunity to get on each others' tits so much - but this isn't necessarily good, because it can mean that you continue regarding someone as a partner when if you had been seeing each other every day you would have realised sooner that you're just not really suited to each other.
NOw many people can make a comfortable couple-life with anyone who is a decent and reasonably attractive human being (the inertia relationships, which happen because one or both thinks, got to settle down some time and this one will do). But actually, it's not compulsory, and it's not the most wonderful thing in the world, either.
I think you should get a life, in the nicest possible sense of the world. There is so much more to life than tying yourself to a bloke from the age of 24 onwards.
If your man is nice, he will understand - he may well be hurt and it will probably be a while before you can be good friends again - but you haven't had a life yet. ANd if you do submit and conform and move in with him and stifle, sooner or later you will hate him.