Can anyone advise me on this one? Apologies in advance for extreme length of post!

[MissHeliotrope]

Have namechanged because one of the involved parties could be an MNer.

I seem to have got myself involved in a situation without meaning to and don't know how to extricate myself without losing a good friendship.

So - background:

I am part of a theatre group and have several close friends there. Last year a new man joined the group (let's call him Bob). He's not conventionally good-looking but is intelligent, witty and has an intensely charming manner - one of those who can make you feel like you're the only person who exists - and has had several women in the group swooning over him (myself included at one point, albeit strictly on a fantasy level!)

Bob was then recently separated from his wife and had moved to a friend's which is an hour out of London, but went home at weekends (lives 2 hours out of London) to see his DCs.

During the auditions for the last show-but-one, Bob came in a bit late and my friend (let's call her Wendy) suddenly sat up (she'd not met him before) and stared at him and it was like I felt a bolt of electricity passing from her to him - there was this sense of immediate attraction, certainly on her part.

They were both cast in the show and were very touchy-feely at the aftershow party (she's a very touchy-feely person but even DH commented on how close they were), but I have to say I thought v. little of it because of the effect Bob has on most women.

Anyway,fast-forward to our present show. Wendy asked me before the run if she could stay over Friday as she moved in with her boyfriend last year and now lives a long way away from the theatre. I said yes, no worries.

In the past Bob has slept on people's sofas during a run as his friend's house is too far away to get a train to after the show, but the people he's gone to before both had family down so he had nowhere to stay. Without really thinking about it, I offered him our sofa, saying that Wendy was staying so she had first dibs on the bed, but if he didn't mind the sofa he was welcome to stay.

So the night in question, Wendy takes me aside in the pub after the show and says "I'm shagging Bob. I've been shagging him since the last show. I thought I'd better tell you."

I'm kind of and say what about your DP??

She says I know, I know, I feel like a shit, but I'm not going to stop. I can't. And I'm swearing you to secrecy on this because I can't have him finding out from anyone else until I know what I'm going to do.

(I should point out at this point that I have never met her DP as he works shifts and never comes to the theatre so I only know of him, iyswim)

TBH I knew that they'd gotten very close, quite often they'd arrive together and leave together and there had been some giggling amongst other company members, but me being a bit simple had just assumed she was suffering the 'Bob-effect' like several other women in the group. He is fascinating to talk to and really good company.

So they stop over and head straight to the spare bedroom together, leaving me feeling decidedly torn because a) it's none of my business but b)yes it is because I feel like I'm being forced into complicity with something I don't altogether agree with although c) if I'd have said 'not under my roof, matey' I'd have felt like my mother because d) they're consenting adults and back to e) it's none of my business. Aaaaah!

And the next morning they're being all lovesick teenager over each other. Well, I like them both, but I don't want Wendy to f up her life, but at the same time I know she's had misgivings about her relationship with her DP as he's 15 years younger than her and she's just turned 40 and wants kids.

She knows that this is a potential car crash, but has said to me that she can't stop herself. And doesn't want to. Although she's worried that she's no more than his 'wahey I'm free from marriage after 17 years' shag and he'll move on at some point.

You see, Bob is lovely, but.... he is an incorrigible charmer (and it's just how he is, he does it to men, women, inanimate objects...) and apparently the main reason he is separated from his wife is because of her 'unreasonable' jealousy, but part of me is wondering if she didn't have just cause...?

And to further complicate matters, although he is separated, he goes 'home' every weekend because the children don't know that they've separated. They've been told he's working away long-term. Not even their parents/ILs know - apparently this is what she wants. He's adamant that it is definitely over, but they're not going to divorce until the youngest leaves school (youngest is 4).

AND (feck me this is long!!) I am now having her bend my ear every 5 mins because he had a fling/flirtation with another cast member when he first joined the group and this other girl fell for him in a big way. They didn't carry on beyond a couple of times as he told her it was too complicated for him to be seeing anyone right now. Well, she's not an idiot and she saw how they were at the aftershow party and consequently is heartbroken. And furiously angry with Wendy and Bob. And quizzing me about what I know because she knows they both stayed round at mine . And I've got Wendy FBing me ranting about this girl (who I happen to like a lot) as she had it out with her to try and stem any potential fall out with her DP.

So I'm feeling really, really unhappy that I seem to have unwittingly got caught up in this. I have a horrible feeling it's all going to go tits up for my friend and she'll end up with no-one - is it just me that thinks this 'we're separated but no-one must know about it' business is code for 'I have no intention of leaving my wife but I'm going to shag about anyway'?? And I really like the other girl who's been hurt very badly over this and I feel somehow complicit in that too. Not nice.

I'm not sure what if anything I'm expecting anyone to say, I really just wanted to get it out anonymously as I can't tell anyone in RL about it and whilst I want to be there for my friend, I'm not at all sure I want to be party to her deceit of her DP (whom she still loves, apparently?!).

So thank you if you've stuck it out til the end...

[choosyfloosy]

This sounds rather like a sports club I was involved in, in my mid-20s. I just could not believe the level of non-stop musical partners, low-level constant pain, and international adultery going on. It was horrible.

In my mid-20s, tbh, I coped with it by advertising for a boyfriend well away from the group, marrying him and leaving the group. This was a mistake and a bit of an overreaction.

However, you CAN refuse to discuss any of this with any of them. Just change the subject. Walk away if you have to. You might actually start to change the culture of what's going on. I have no doubt that most of your horrid fears are very true.

[scrooged]

Bloody hell this could be a BBC afternoon play. It sounds like a tale of the unexpected.

Stop both of them coming to your house, you do not run a knocking shop my dear (unless you need the rent and make a written contract to protect your interests)! Then keep out of it. Tell her it will end in tears as they normally do then ask her not to talk about it to you. The more you talk to her about this, the longer it will take for the penny to drop and the less likely she is to listen to your advice. Tell her you wish to continue to be her friend, you enjoy her company but she's making a fool of herself and jepardising her happyness with her dp. She may not see it now but she is. Then drop the subject. Be there for her when it all blows up, not with a 'I told you so' but with a 'lets move on from here'. Do exactly the same with him.

[HolyGuacamole]

I think if she was any kind of good friend she would not have used your house to shag her OM. Call me old fashioned but she is getting you involved by doing that behind her DPs back at your house. Not your fault at all.

It's her life and if she messes it up then it's her own fault. Maybe he has no intentions of leaving his wife but also your friend hasn't exactly been honest with her DP. Is she waiting on some sort of commitment from him before she makes the move and drops her DP like a hot potato? I don't get people who swing from branch to branch, person to person without being single, or at least honest to their current partner, in between. Secrets, lies, cheating - what's the point?

It will go tits up. People will get hurt, his family, her DP, who knows? I feel quite unsympathetic towards your friend. She seems to acting quite selfishly.

If I were you I'd tell her that I don't want anything to do with it, that it makes you feel quite uncomfortable.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Blimey it sounds hideous!

Clearly the guy is a rake, and has no intention of leaving his wife and therefore isn't about to make a commitment to someone else, never mind have babies with her!

It's bloody rude to have shagged in your house - if they are that desperate then pay for a hotel room, not take advantage of a friend's hospitality.

I would tell her you think it will be a disaster and then refuse to discuss it any further.

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

Yes, the only thing you can do is to say to all concerned: This is not my business and I don't want to hear any more about it or be involved in any way. I do know how unpleasant it is to get unwittingly caught up in other people's love tangles (one that I got dragged into ended up with me getting a three day suspension from work FFS).

[Jacksmama]

I was in a situation like that several years ago - a friend came out here, ostensibly to visit me (as she told her husband), but actually to have a fling with a man she met here. Since the husband suspected and actually phoned me to "double check whether I had her arrival time", it was from the start. I eventually told her that she couldn't use me as a cover and that I wanted nothing to do with lying to her husband. Fortunately our friendship survived this - but it was very ugly.

I'd recommend you tell your friend you're not cool with this, that she's disrespecting your friendship and using you. Which she is. And the people around you who know about this situation will judge you for what they may see as your complicity with this - not that I am saying we should live our lives based on what other people thing (heck, I'm the first to say "sod'em" at times!!) but you're so clearly not comfortable with this.

I don't know if that helps but good luck!!

[MorrisZapp]

Please don't take this the wrong way but that was a very interesting read - almost like a great short story! Sorry, I know it's your life and not our entertainment.

Have been in similar straits. It just isn't your problem and you have to make it clear to her that she can do what she likes but it isn't fair to implicate you in it. No more nooky visits to your house, and no more secrecy and lies.

Tell her she has to stop telling you stuff that must be kept secret as it is just not fair.

I lost a friend over a similar situation (she was my DP's best friend's girlfriend and she cheated on him then made me swear to secrecy) and the realistic truth is that a shag speaks louder then common sense in these situations.

For now, she's listening to her trousers not her brain, and no advice from you will sink in. Let her get on with it, and hope this blows over. Bob doesn't sound like he does long term anyway.

[LadyGlencoraPalliser]

I too have been dragged into a situation like this before. It didn't end well. It never does. Just say no to being Ms Confidante. Tell Wendy you feel uncomfortable about the whole situation and you don't want to get involved. And wait for her to come and cry on your shoulder in a few weeks when Bob and his 'what happens in Vegas MuchMoaningontheMarsh Village Hall stays in MuchMoaningontheMarsh Village Hall' attitude disappear over the horizon in a puff of blue smoke.
Because, yes, I would be very surprised if his wife is fully apprised of the details of this convenient 'seperation' agreement.