Angry at the past with dp.

[mrswill]

Hi all, ive had something thats bothering me for a while now, and i dont feel like i can talk about it with my friends in RL. My dp and i have been together for about 7 years and now have a 7 month old dd who i absolutely adore. During the second and third year together its fair to say dp was a complete arsehole, and i have no idea why with hindsight that i put up with it. He had a few months where he didnt know if he wanted to be in the relationship, and it was on his terms, seeing me when he wanted to, and ive heard since he was cheating etc which he denies. After some of his own treatment dp then went a full 360, decided to fully commit and has been a good partner since.
I still feel very hurt he went through this period of not wanting me, and have never really forgiven him as i was devastated. Since dd has been born i keep harking back to it in my mind all the time, all the wrong things he has done, even though now he is a very good partner. Also before our relationship (i feel stupid writing this as everyone is entitled to a past), he was a bit of a lad and had an affair with my close friends sister who im friendly with and one of my close friends and numerous others i know. Since having my dd im really put off having sex with him because of this. I keep looking at other peoples relationships and being jealous that their partners havent doubted once wanting to be with them, or shagged loads of their mates previously. Im just constantly angry with him, and seem to be just waiting for him to be an arsehole again so i can tell him to pack his bags and piss off. I never regret having my dd but i do regret not finishing it with him when he was a dick so i could start again with someone who was a clean slate. Im sorry if this thread comes over a bit precious as there are worse problems than this, but would really appreciate honest answers, has anyone else felt like this after having dc's, is it just a phase??

I'm sure that others will come along to add their wisdom but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I'm sorry that you went through what you went through with your DP. I can't imagine how difficult that period of time must have been for you and it sounds as though you need some tools to come to terms with it having "come out on the other side". The truth is, you can never know if the other person will screw up again or do something to hurt your again. You will never have control over the future. But you CAN get some control over how you are feeling now. You may want to consider going for some counseling to help you resolve some of the anger and pain you are feeling. I'm not saying "get over it and move on" but I imagine that you were probably in survival mode when your DH was putting you through the ringer, and now that you've had time to reflect, you need to make sense of it for yourself.

I think that deep down you must know that "cleaning the slate" with some one new is not necessarily the answer. But perhaps you need to think about what it was that made you stay with your DH to begin with, and perhaps those reasons are changing for you now or are no longer valid.

Finally, please know that many, many couples go through rough patches...there may be even a few of your friends who have gone through it but you just don't know about it. You are not alone.

Is it that you are thinking of what you would ideally want in terms of a father to your little one rather than as a partner / husband?

Even though he may be the greatest dad in the world obv - don't know the situation.

But it's not that uncommon to go through an uncertain phase is it? To have some doubts before you settle down. Obviously cheating is more than that, and I don't know how sure you are of that. You say he has decided to commit now?

And I bet in a lot of the other relationships you are looking at, one of the partners has had doubts somewhere along the line.

What i mean with someone with clean slate now, is i sometimes wish i had finished the relationship years back when he was being an arsehole, so i would have had chance to be with someone who i didnt have all the negative history with, and also having to be around his past sexual partners all the time. I suppose im angry at myself too for putting up with it. A lot of what you are saying greyclay makes sense to me, about reflecting on it now. Not sure why i actually stayed, probably to do with that pesky thing called love .
He is definately fully committed now, and has been since the bad period years ago, and is a good partner and father.
Obviously i dont want to finish now as we have dd, but since having her im so fucking angry at what he put me through, i feel like punching him. Dont worry i wont - i actually work in domestic violence.... Im not even sure of what im asking people to advise, it just feels better to get it out. Thank you all for your replies.