HOW do you stop the bickering, it's wreaking my head

[Luxmum]

Hi, for the last 2 or 3 months, my DH and I have been bickering, about nothing, or anything, and it's got to the stage where we cant seem to have a simple conversation about anything without it descending into sniping, an dhuffs and accusations that the other never listens, and it's all their fault of course etc etc etc. Last night it was about the bloody DUVET - how with the 2 layers on, DH was too hot, and why hadnt I , I!!! changed the duvet, etc etc
Please, PLEASE tell me how to stop this viscious circle. He was away for the weekend, and you know, it was just NICE without him... and that's sad. He's lovely otherwise. caring and helful with the DC, around for me, etc. Oh, and we've obv not had sex for a million years.

Hi, you say it's been for the last 2 or 3 months, has anything changed? Are the two of you stressed about something?

When did you last get a night out just the 2 of you? Can you arrange some special time together to relax and talk properly?

With idle bickering in general, if there's no underlying tension, I go with the 'would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?' principle - ie, if it's no big deal, just don't make a big deal of it!

Re the sex- is that not happening because you are both avoiding it, or tired, or not in the mood? Sometimes you have to make yourself - I think sex breeds sex, as in, if you have it more, you want it more.

It is so easy to just slip into the routine of only finding negative things to say - agree with tinierclanger that you need to pick your battles. And if you can swallow the bitchy comment you want to make, he will follow your lead eventually - try really really hard not to rise to anything he says, and the habit will eventually break.

But you need to spend some quality time together - do whatever it takes to go out for a meal, or just to the pub, and try to have fun together. Just remind yourselves what it is about each other you loved in the first place - it's very easy to lose sight of that.

it does sound as if you are not listening to each other - he says something - you pick up on one aspect of it and take it out of context..... a vicious circle.

But if you both still want things to work you will have to change something. With practice you can stop yourself and instead look for the possitive.

I too have been there and actually when you decide to change yourself it is fun and can become a bit of a game. One thing i read once was to treat your partner as your best friend - would you really tear a strip into them over such petty things?

Next time he says something which winds you up take a deep breath and say something like. i understand why you feel like that ....
If you do get into an arguement make it your mission to always be the first to appologise - not back down from the arguement but say something like 'i am so sorry we cant agree on XYZ and that we let it get into an arguement', and i am sorry we shouted at each other....
It sounds as if you become a doormat but believe me it is actually liberating to admit that you can rise above it and not get dragged down.

DH and i have had some counselling and it is surpising sometimes that you dont really listen to what the other person is saying as you are 'expecting' the negative.

We do still have silly rows and DH is famous for his storming off in a huff - now i just accept he is like that and try and have a good time. He did when we were on holiday and missed a lovely evening (which i enjoyed myself - dancing with lots of people). He was really sulky as he really wanted to go. We now have a laugh about it.

Anyway good luck - hope you enjoy the challenge.

when he next walks in the door try and say something really lovely about him. The way he looks or something - hopefully you will see his whole body language change.

Sigh, you are all so right, we dont go out -DH thinks it's too expenive, and DS1 is a real nightmare at being put to bed - its 9:45 that I manage to escape from his bedroom, so once the chores are done (NATCH not done by DH, who watches the TV instead)and we've gotten ready for bed, we are too tired to talk. Except bicker, it seems you are never too tired for that. When I try to apologise, he doesnt accept it, saying I put caveats (which I dont see) on my apology - ie 'I am sorry I snapped, I am just really tired.' I was taught to explain your feelings, which DH takes as making excuses. DS1's erratic sleep patterns, and night waking etc of course are annoying us, as is our approach to try and tackle it. Of course it's not coordinated, which is a big problem, and easily solved by TALKING. Just never seems to work without someone going in a huff. Thanks though, I'll really try tonight to ignore his comments and be nice. I just dont understand how it can have gotten so bad so fast, we used to be fine. We dont have sex because we are tired, I am not interested, he doesnt really seem to bother either. Sigh. Thanks ladies, I'm going to give it a serious go again, hopefully we can begin again.

the competitive tiredness is not a good thing.

next time he complains about something, try saying 'yes, you must be blah blah' instead of 'well i've been blah blah blah'. let him get it out his system. then you have your turn. so it's not in answer and not a competition.

but you also say that you do all the chores and your dh just watches tv. so i think that imbalance needs to be sorted too. tell him he needs to get off his arse and help out more.