Response to 'confrontation letter'

[duke748]

I sent my mother an email along the lines of the confrontation letter in 'Toxic Parents'.

For those who haven't read it, it goes along the lines of 'This is what I remember from my childhood, this is how I felt then, and this is how it affects my life now'.

I don't know what I was expecting, and I tried not to expect too much back. However what I have had is this response (immediately):

'Ok let me take that in and I will tell you a few of the things that I have hidden from you and probably answer some of the things that you have bought up. Would you like that?

I understand your concerns. I have tried to protect you fro a long time, but since you have become older, I have also wanted to explain things and have waited for the right time. Perhaps now is the time. I have always loved you and will always be here if you need me what ever happens.

I won't be able to answer tomorrow as I am spending the day in hospital for some more tests but I will get back as soon as I can I promise.'

That was 3 weeks ago and recently she has started sending me (along with everyone else she knows) those stupid joke emails that do the rounds. I know she is out of hospital (through my aunt).

So I guess I was expecting either abuse or denial, or something. But not this... nothing.

Of course, I am not going to contact her again, but can anyone give me any idea of what is going on in her head?

Thanks in advance.

i think i would email again saying something like

"I am glad you are feeling better now, i have received a few jokes from you. its good your spirits are up.
I had hoped that we would have been able to chat some more about my last email now that you are feeling better.

I really do want to discuss the issues i raised and to hear things from your own perspective, particularly the things you implied i am unaware of"

Did you reply to her at all when she first responded?

Hi yep, I put:

'OK. Thanks for coming back to me so quickly. I'm not trying to punish you, but just wanted to clear the air and explain a few things myself.

I've never doubted your intentions, just the execution sometimes!

Would love to hear more. Good luck with tests. Email me when you can.'

That was over 3 weeks ago......

hmmmmm... then in that case, if she is particularly toxic do you think it could be her trying to avoid what you have said by making it seem like she has a lot to discuss but hoping saying that will be enough to stop you asking again? If you see what I mean.

I think fattiemumma's suggestion is a good one.

I agree with fattimumma. Otherwise you will keep on wondering.

Maybe she is hoping that by mentioning hospital etc that it will be forgotten, swept under the carpet?

Straight off the top of my head there could be two responses from her. One that will answer all your questions or validate your feelings....or possibly add more confusion if it is things you can't remember. The other response I can think of is a possible "how can you mention that when I've been in hospital, how could you be so thoughtless, always thinking of yourself etc etc".

I've been in your position and I was told a lot of very weird/bad/scary things by my mother from when I was a child that I cannot remember and to this day I don't know if they are true or not, some of them are so wild, they are unimaginable. I no longer have any kind of relationship with her due to many, many, varying things.

I hope it works out for you.

...and I think it just means that maybe having this conversation with your mum is going to be a bit harder to get going than it first seemed (hen you first got her response), but if what she says in her letter is true it does sound like she is willing to talk things through and hopefully that will be a positive thing for your relationship in the end.

good luck.

Thanks so much for all your help so far ladies.

I am kind of at the point where I don't want her response (or lack of) to matter to me anymore.

I've opened my heart to her and if she doesn't want to respond in kind, then I guess that in itself is an answer.

I was baffled by her decisions, and am even more so now - so I guess not that much has changed except I know I tried now.

I will seriously consider an email like the one suggested, as it is the perfect way to open things up a bit more.

I just don't know if 1) I actually do want to start the conversation or 2) if I feel I have given as much as I am going to towards reconciliation, and want the rest to come from her?

If you don't try, you will never know. Only you know where your line is, the line that won't be crossed. Only you know when you have had enough. I think you are probably better investigating this matter further if you feel able to, then at least you will know that you have tried.

The best possibility is that you can both have a very long chat and sort things out between you, gradually getting closer and fixing the relationship. It may be that she simply does not know how to restart the subject and how to say the things to you that are on her mind?

Whatever you do, just try and prepare yourself. Think about how you will deal with different outcomes and if things become too much and you are stressing, then take some time out to regain your composure. Do you have support in RL with this?

Its true...if you don't try you will never know. Hmmm.

I do have support in RL, my best friend and my man know pretty much the whole story. My BF has little patience for my mother and my man doesn't tend to offer an opinion, just support.

Guess I have got to decide how far I am willing to go.

X

Good, am glad you have RL support, that's half the battle

Do what's best for you and take your time. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face but don't bend over and let someone kick you repeatedly in the ass either IYSWIM

Best of luck.

God Duke, now you must be driving yourself mad wanting to know what 'secrets' she is alluding to! It seems unfair to make you feel this then keep you waiting for 3 weeks, but maybe she is thinking of the right words to explain it properly to you?

In her first reply she does seem to be expressing a willingness to talk which is a good sign and she has said she loves you. And she replied promptly which makes me think that she cares about your feelings enough to not keep you wondering if she has even read your letter and what her reaction is. But I can see that when you read it you probably felt that she would very soon send another one with all her 'explanations' and felt some relief, but then she left you waiting and wondering, even more because she alluded to secrets, in limbo for 3 weeks! I can imagine your nervous restlessness! I really hope she explains herself soon.

I think FattieMumma's advice for what to put in another email to 'hurry her up' is good. It is diplomatic and gentle but lets her know that you really need her to explain herself soon.

And also, well done for having the courage to write your letter in the first place, I hope it makes you feel better in the long run.

I agree with fattiemumma. Also if you've not contacted your mum since her reply perhaps she's hurt that you didn't enquire about the tests and her health.
I sometimes feel these toxic parents books encourage people to forget that the other person has feelings too and it isn't all about them.
Acknowledging her current problems may help her acknowledge problems in your past and the relationship you have.

I would also agree with holy guacamole's response but you may not get the type of response in terms of explanation that you hope for. I think she is stalling you.

re 2rebecca's comment:-
"I sometimes feel these toxic parents books encourage people to forget that the other person has feelings too and it isn't all about them".

But the feelings of the child now adult caught up in such situations has never been openly acknowledged let alone explained.
More often than not however in the case of toxic parents it is often only about the toxic parent, they do not realise what damage has been caused by their actions. Or when they are challenged by their child now adult it is seen as a veiled attack and often denied or downplayed (it was not that bad, you imagined it etc). I think the "other person" i.e the toxic parent chooses to forget that the child now adult want answers as to why they were treated as they were. They are more than right to want to be acknowledged and to receive an explanation. Some do not receive any answer.

So I have sent the email suggested above (word for word- lol!). A big thank you for all your help.

I wasn't too sure about the letter either, not really liking the word 'confrontation'. However, I thought she probably should have the chance to know why I hadn't spoken to her for several years, as I don't think she ever really 'got' it. I put it as plainly as possible and eneded it with

'We can't change the past, but we can begin again.' which I think is relatively positive.

xXx

Fingers are crossed for you Duke. Let us know how you get on.

Hi all. Sent that email and no answer. Am baffled, but at least know I tried, TWICE!

Thanks again for all your support.

xXx

Aw Duke, am sorry you have not heard anything (yet). Never say never and you have done the right thing by trying.

Whatever happens is for the best. Whats for you won't go past you etc etc. All the old cliches I know but they are true.

Hope you've been ok.