I don't know how to approach this with my Mum

[StillRunningTheWorld]

I have namechanged for this because it's a sensitive subject.

Her personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired, and I worry when she holds my baby. She smokes, and doesn't wash her hands before she holds my 7 week old DD. Often she has strong body odour, that armpitty smell when people don't use deodorant. She coughs when holding DD and doesn't cover her mouth.

This is now becoming an issue, because she is starting to wonder a) why I don't take DD to her flat (because it smells of smoke), and b) why DP is always out when she comes round (because he has also started to notice the smell and really struggles with it).

When she gets up in the morning, she often doesn't shower, and just washes her hair. I have to open windows when she has been to visit, it really is that strong.

It's really hard because she does have depression, has just gone back to work after three weeks off sick with this, and I know that one of the classic signs is not taking care of your personal hygiene, and I feel if I was to take the blunt approach and say something it would really upset her, however, it's getting to the point where I can't make excuses any longer - I can't avoid her flat forever, and DP can't be out every single time she comes round, she's starting to notice, and of course isn't building up a relationship with him because he's never here to interact with her!

I have no idea how to broach this, and find it all quite upsetting - I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents and want DD to have the same with hers.

Thats a hard one without causing too much upset.

I had the smoke problem with my mum when dd was born and i told her that i wouldnt visit her as i didnt like the smoke around dd (she wasnt allowed to smoke in my house). She actually quit smoking that day as my dd meant so much to her. I was very proud as shes been smoking 25 years.

But its harder for you because of the depression, dont really know what to suggest sorry but just wanted to let you know what i did.

It is difficult, especially if your mum is a bit vulnerable at the moment. I've had to tell my dad about bo in the past because he's got no sense of smell. It was hard, but I'd rather that than have him walking around smelling. Luckily he has a lovely partner now who keeps him on his toes that way.

In a way the smoking is easier to tackle because (speaking as an ex smoker) most smokers know that smoking is unhealthy and smelly, so she will probably respect that you don't want the baby in a smoky atmosphere.

If you decide to discuss it with her, could you treat her to something nice and really make an effort to make her feel appreciated for a while beforehand? Maybe some pampering to encourage her to start looking after herself a bit more. Might soften the blow a bit. Maybe you could just try buying her some bath stuff and see if she takes the hint?

I think the smoking issue might be easier to tackle because of the known, published risks to small babies. Perhaps you could tactfully bring these to her attention. Regarding her BO, unpleasant though it might be, I don't think it poses any great risk to your baby, so perhaps just let it pass?

It sounds very hard but I think you should tell her .You say she works so her workmates will have noticed too and she will be mortified if they say anything it will be better coming from you.

Could you push the shower thing because of the smoke? Rather than talking about BO, just talk to her about the smoking, and suggest that washing more often (both showering and hands) could reduce the problem?

Tricky situation, I feel sorry for you. Is she getting help for the depression?

Sympathies, I have a similar situation with a Mum that refuses to wash. The original StinkyMonkey! When she comes to stay I make a point of leaving towels out, saying we have plenty of hot water if she wants a bath etc. All to no avail. It's like she prides herself in not washing. I have been half-expecting the DC to make a comment, but thank goodness they haven't. They don't exactly rush to hug her though.

In theory you probably should tell her, but if she's prone to depression then it might be kinder to hold back. My mum is also prone to depression and has very low self esteem. So much as I want to shout 'Mum YOU STINK' at her, I always bite my lip.

Definitely mention the smoking and work on whatever else you can do to support her. My mum has been a lot happier in herself lately and correspondingly less pongy. I think there is definitely a connection between being unhappy and not looking after yourself.