Have reached a crossroads.

[Emily3030]

I consider myself a single parent and am quite happily so. I've had a BF I met online for over 3 years now but don't feel close to him. We see each other for a couple of nights a week, we don't live together. He is terribly old fashioned and wants us to live together and set up home. He'd like children. My daughter adores him and would be devastated if I ended the relationship. I haven't felt this relationship is "The One" from day one and sometimes wonder why we are still together. It's like habit rather than love, even though sometimes he'll say he loves me, I simply don't believe him because I don't feel it. I'm not sure whether to end it now before it gets really bad or stick with it. After all, he's great, good looking, great job, etc etc, it's just there's no chemistry.

I seem to spend my life looking for Mr Right, where sparks will fly and we'll want to be together always and forever, but I'm not sure if I haven't found him yet or i'm obsessed with hollywood movies.

What do you think?

Do you love him? That is what is important.

Either you are v. young..or Hollywood films are your hope. Neither of which your man will change. It's up to you.

I'm not convinced I know what love is, as I think it may change as you get older, but based on previous (good) experiences I'd say no, not really. I could however, probably carry on like this quite comfortably for many years to come. But then I may be missing "The One". ?? I just don't know what to do for the best. For his sake, or my daughters.

If there's 'no chemistry', are you having sex with him? Does he want it more than you? Basically, if you like someone and he/she is a nice person, you could probably be happy enough in a long-term relationship with that person if you both feel a similar level of sexual desire. If not, the less-keen one will start to feel contempt and disgust for the other one's desire for sex, and there will be bitterness and resentment.
You don't have to move in with him to enjoy his company and value his friendship, of course, but if he is 'in love' and you see him more as a friend, sooner or later this will lead to bad feelings - unless he meets someone else or you do.

Solid - you are talking 'mechanics' of love, whereas OP is asking "what is it?" really. It's something that comes from you, not from someone else, OP. Icons and images will not help you. Or other's professions of love, as you have experienced. That doesn't make you 'love' them.

Thanks SGB4MV. I think you mention a good point. We could quite easily plod on together, but I'm sure he feels the same as I do, just he's too lazy to do anything about it. The sex can be a problem, and he certainly wants it more than I do, but I believe that's a genetic desire, rather than a need for intimacy or love, neither of which I feel.

Our relationships does have good points, we do get on and make each other laugh, but we also have big differences in opinion over things, and this can cause real friction, sometimes I do feel resentful towards him after a disagreement and the last thing I'll want from him is sex, he simply can't understand this.

Hi pan, thanks for answering. It's not just the hollywood ideal I'm after, it's the raw intimacy and strong desire which is portrayed in some films...which is lacking from my relationship. I'm sure there are real couples out there experiencing this, isn't there?

Or is it all rubbish?

You know, Emily, it's more than OK to be single. Maintaining a couple-relationship with someone just for the sake of having a partner is a very dreary, draining and fundamentally pointless way to live. It sounds, TBH, as though what you feel for this man is friendship, not a wish for a sexual-emotional partnership, and the fact that he wants sex more often than you do is something that will become more and more of a problem.

Erm...it's highly stylised on film, and in other ficton. Love requires all sorts of things - desire, patience, putting oneself second - I do suspect that your man is going to fail in your eyes. Not because he isn't loveable, ( though he may not be!).
Loving someone is a philiosphical question, and made more so by our 'sophisticated' society which challenges the whole notion, much more than it did previously.
It still though comes down to you though.

and yes, that rawness you refer to does exist in relationships. The current MsPan is an example - drives me up the wall, sometimes I want to be a world away from her, but, yes, she "has it" for me, though I know I am very lucky.

solid you have such a great way with words!

I don't know Emily if I could put into words such a fine description of love/partnerships etc etc. The only thing I know is that if I was not sure about my DH, I would never have married him. I couldn't contemplate thinking about anyone else the way I do about him. I don't wonder or dream 'what if?'. I know it sounds cheesy but it's true.

'What ifs' don't disappear - they become the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about, slowly eating away at any respect you have for each other. Settling because someone happens to be your partner or because it's the done thing/next step is a recipe for future resentment.

Some people need a kick up the arse to realise what they have in life and other people need to take heed of their instincts and choose a different path. Only you can know what is right for you.

how would you feel if you ended the relationship today? sad? relieved? or desperately heartbroken? would you miss him a lot?

if you don't feel particularly strongly, i'd end the relationship because i do think you could find someone you'd be happier with.

If, as you say, you don't feel a need for intimacy or love, then surely that is how you feel about this man- rather than men in general?

What about him? he sounds like a kind, loving man, who is certainly traditional with traditional values. Have you thought how he might feel? I expect he could be hanging on, asking his mates if you will ever really love him, and whether he should hang around much longer!

Your daughter's happiness is not the point; it's what you want that matters. There must be dozens of men around for whom you could feel these "OKAY" kind of feelings- but are they enough to last a lifetime and build a family with? Are you simply sticking with him because you are afraid of being on your own, afriad of upsetting your daughter, afraid of making a decision? None of these are reasons to stay.

If this man just does not do it for you, please end it, and at least have some respect for him and allow him to find a woman who will really love him- he sounds a decent bloke and you are wasting 2 lives if this is not really what you want.

Also, if you feel friendship for him, which I would imagine you do (if you don't like him at all then what on earth are you doing having any kind of relationship with him?) - then it is possible for you to remain friends and for him to remain a part of your daughter's life - though this does depend on whether he is genuinely in love with you, or whether the ending of the couple-relationship will come as an equal relief to him. It might well do, you know, he might have been making all these noises about marriage because he thinks that's what you - or 'women' want.

I don't think I'd feel a thing if the relationship ended today. Which is a bit worrying.

I'm sorry VEM, I meant to say I don't feel love or intimacy from him (or for him), not that I don't feel a need for it...I do!

As for what he feels, well, I'm quite sure he wouldn't miss me much either! He doesn't have much else in his life and he's a creature of habit, if we split it'd throw him and insult his ego, he'd be cross that he'd have to start all over again, I know that much.

Do people who have been married for so many years really truly love each other, or are they just comfortable with each other and don't want to break the pattern?

I'm not scared of being on my own, it's all I'm used to, this is my longest relationship I've had. I'm a little scared of commitment perhaps and of making the wrong decision. I know I'd never marry him. Maybe we need to talk. I still don't know what to do for the best and it's so confusing.