struggling on

[hope5]

It really helps to hear from people who are in a long term relationship and have had there partner husband cheat on them totally out of character.Reading other peoples stories helps and it can be quite encouraging.So please keep them coming it helps when I have those low days.

I havent been in your situation but I didnt want to read and run, I really feel for anyone who has had this happen.

Cheers, Hope - know what you mean about those days where you just think everything has been tainted forever and things will never be as good as they once were.. I have found that taking St Johns Wort is very helpful, by the way - I think it's easy to underestimate how depressed you become.

Hi Hope. My story is on another thread (infidelity, long) and as a newcomer to this forum, I don't know your story (is there a way to find the relevant thread, incidentally?).

I too have found huge comfort from other people's experiences, because like others (and like you, by the sounds of things) my DH's infidelity was completely out of the blue and totally at odds with his character. We are 5 months on and I am at last starting to feel joy in some things. We have a wonderful relationship now and although I wouldn't ever want to have gone through what we did, I know our relationship is infinitely better and stronger for this experience.

Although my DH was faithful before, he was incredibly complacent, lazy, selfish and emotionally retarded to be honest, in that he had an intense dislike for discussing our relationship. It was a major step for him to have counselling, but at that point he would have done anything, if it meant that we could stay together. In fact, the counselling helped him enormously - and not just with the issues that led to his affair.

He learned huge amounts about how his childhood had shaped him and he is now transformed into an emotionally honest and open man. He always was incredibly kind and affectionate - and I had never doubted his intense love for me - but now, he will talk openly about his feelings. That is a major gain from this horrific situation. Add to that, a complete absence of complacency, laziness and selfishness and you can see that sometimes, good can come out of what for many of us, was the worst thing ever to have happened to us.

I have no illusions though, that there are further dark days ahead. I hate seeing any images from last summer or hearing music that was in the charts then - I feel very low at those points and I also still get terrible flashbacks from when I found text messages on his old 'phone, which was the catalyst for my world to come crashing down. I also still feel anger at times, but this does seem to be lessening.

The key to us getting through this was his honesty, his complete remorse, his willingness to get professional help and the completely positive changes in his behaviour. Also, it is blindingly obvious how much he loves me - and how much I love him, too.

If I were ever advising anyone in a similar position, I guess I would insist on the errant partner doing the things my DH has done. Thinking of you and offering you total support - please don't think that I believe I'm out of the woods yet though; I know I'm not.

WhenwillI - what sort of counselling did you have? Relate? And was it together or seperately. I sometimes wish we had continued with it, though I really hated my counsellor - I wish I'd requested another one. I also know what you mean about the flashbacks. I recently visited the town/area where he met up with her - partly to 'reclaim' it as before it was somewhere with fond memories of walking when I was first pregnant with DS1 - I felt physically sick walking past the hotel but am glad I did it. I still can't go to the gym though, as that's when he used to call her. Weird, isn't it?

Hi Abedelia. Your posts have really helped me so far incidentally and I'm sure they are helping Hope too.

My DH is still having counselling, from a private practitioner. It is expensive, but worth it. Unfortunately but probably understandably, the counsellor won't see me on my own or us as a couple. She feels that ethically, it is better that my DH has a "protected space". I haven't had any counselling myself yet, although I'm still considering it. In the early days, my stumbling blocks about getting help myself were a) expense b)I felt that if I told anyone this story, I'd convince myself that I was mad for staying and c) some concerns that adding another counsellor to the mix might confuse issues. As your experience proves, there are good and bad counsellors out there...

Currently, only a) and c) still apply - and I've got you all to thank for removing my suspicion that I was being foolish to stay and make things work (b). My DH's counsellor has done a pretty good job, I'd say. It hasn't been without its frustrations though - at times I felt she was letting him off the hook too easily and allowing him to contradict himself without challenge. There was also inevitably a bit of pyscho-babble that I don't have much patience with, but on the whole I am terribly grateful to her and although I've never met her, have always felt that we have worked as a "team" with my DH.

Where she hasn't challenged him about issues, I have - and he has gone back to her with more issues that have cropped up in our own discussions.

It is so comforting to know I am not abnormal in getting these flashbacks and I too have felt the need to "re-claim" places. We visit a really special place a few times a year and it is proving hard to re-claim that for me, as even though he never went there with her, he was texting her while there with me and the DCs. We have also passed the motorway turn-off near to where she lives a few times - and that has been hard for me. I know certain dates are also going to be really difficult for me over the next few months, but I am prepared for that at least.

It's the stuff that makes me cry without warning, that is hard to deal with. I have never been the sort of person who cries at the drop of a hat, but I was amazed when we were out to dinner on Valentine's night and the tears came unbidden. Embarrassing in a crowded restaurant of course, but we were on holiday and my MIL was babysitting, so no DCs around. I have no problem now crying with my DH - and again, sometimes my tears come at unexpected times with him at home. I have cried buckets on my own too.

My DH understands all of this and isn't frightened by it either, although I know he feels wretched and sorrowful when he sees me cry, just as I do when he does. And he has sobbed his heart out, probably more than me.

If only people could see these images before they embark on affairs, maybe they would think twice.....

You are very lucky - and perhaps this is why I feel my H would benefit from counselling - as mine gets angry when I am visibly upset about stuff. Then again, he has said that before all this he only ever saw me cry about twice in ten years, so I think it rubs in what he has done. He is also very unwilling to talk about everything, which I think is exceptionally unhealthy. He constantly asks if I am okay and does really care / love me, but I know that if I said 'no, I'm not okay, suchandsuch is on my mind', he'd go nuts. We are going through a good patch after a massive row two weeks ago when I told him to get out as I'd had enough of trying to deal with things, so I don't want to upset things again but it will inevitably happen. Sadly, it's a constant cycle. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better though - your relationship DOES sound healthy...

My h too had counselling and we did together and i did alone - we became a bit addicted. My counselling was brilliant and i took a lot of time to find myself.

The 'old' marriage is dead now - and my h too has transformed into a new honest and open man.

We have even solved problems from before and i can honestly say that our relationship is better than before. But i still would not wish this on anyone.

The affiar was just a huge wake up call and i do believe that if we were all more open in the first place the 'exciting' affair would be far less attractive.

Communication is the key - however painful it is - although it does get easier to talk without busting into tears.
I have even read a couple of books with affairs and they were really funny, and i didnt get angry and throw the books (like i did the first time i tried to do some light holiday reading)

If your h is willing to put in all the effort to show you on a daily basis that it is you he wants and that he too just wants to forget that time - then i think you will have a good chance.

It is if you want to 'go back' and not confront the issues that made the affair possible in the first place.

I also think i have changed a lot too - i am far more assertive and will now not just put up with things for an easy life, and that is good whether i am still married or not.

Your experiences are inspiring. Men really can change it would seem..

Unfortunately, my "new man" (old lying deceiptful fuckwit H) turned out to just be the old one telling a new batch of lies. How I wish he could have become the person he said he wanted to be and we could have put the past behind us. I would have loved him forever. He was my life. I adore him. Which was a mistake as it transpired.

We both lost everything.

Yes, I agree with the comment that people considering infidelity should get a sneak preview into the complete heartbreak it causes.

HiwhenwillI

You can read my situation, check relationships
My husband has had an affair and left to be with the other woman, any advice.
Thanks for your comments have had a better day today,yesterday was awful went to work and was feeling very emotional,kept it in all day and just had to let it go by the time I got home I was in a real state, so this morning my eyes were so swollen I looked like i'd been in a boxing ring!!My husband feels really bad, guess he should really if he didnt I would be feeling he doesnt care.
He feels he has made situation 100 times worse!!He is trying hard to reassure me that he loves so much and never meant to hurt me,doesnt understand himself,he is clearly full of guilt and shame.He has lost alot of weight and considering he wasnt big anyway, its quite worrying, under the doctor as I am and he is taking anti depressants, which tells me how bad he feels because he isnt one for doctors and medication.
Hopefully if tomorrow is as today I will cope ok,thats what its about at the moment coping one day at a time.

Well, yet another success story! I sure as hell am going to make my own children aware of the consequences of things such as this...

how do you teach your children though?

We all feel invincible - especially during affairs, as that is part of the addiction of it too.

For me the answer is to try and teach us all to respect each other whether married to them or not. And to sometimes 'stick our nose' into other peoples business, too often we leave them to it.

Everyone has problems in their marriage and if instead of embarking on affairs we could get support from others life would be so much better.

It is the lies that are the hurtful part. Thats what destroys lives not the sex with someone else.

BY teaching them to treat other people as they would wish to be treated and to think of the consequences - basic empathy. Far too many people seem to be way too selfish.

Agree with the idea of sticking your nose in also. The slutty cow thread is currently making me annoyed as the poster discovered her H's affair but doesn't think it's her place to tell the OW's fiance. How angry would you be if you found out your new wife had not only been cheating befrehand but that people knew and didn't warn you before you went through with the wedding / kids. The guilt will probably get her in the end and by then it'll be too late for the new H. Even if the poor sod threw her out she'd probably take any kids, it would be really unfair.

hope5 - I'll tell you about my parents. Their story has given me a lot of strength and taught me some good lessons about marriage and relationships. I'll try to keep it short!

They had 3 children under 5 when my dad started up an affair with a very young woman that worked for him. My mum gave birth to my sister, 8 months later the 'young woman' gave birth to my half-brother. My mum didn't know anything about it but eventually found out. My dad left my mum for around 5 years. I'm not sure if he was with the other woman or not but he used to come home to my mum every once in a while.

8 years on..he came home one weekend and my mum told him she was pg again. With me. Eventually he moved home for good.

Last summer they celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. They leave notes for each other, don't like to be away from each other and have said that their marriage is better now than ever.

My dad was a terrible husband and father for a very long time. But it seems they've worked things out between them and talked it through and got through the rough times. I'm not saying that what he did wasn't wrong. But they have forgiven each other for all the things that went on. The sad thing is that it took so long for that to happen, and the 'secrets' were kept 'secret', which had damaging effects on all of us, especially my half-brother.

I guess what I've learned is that infidelity, while it's not acceptable and it's a terrible deceit, is something that can be overcome and a relationship can survive IF there is a lot of talking and complete honesty.

Hmmm, perhaps that's where we are going wrong. I have been so depressed today just thinking about the fact that if what he said in emails etc was true then the last 3 years of my life have been a lie as H has constantly been thinking about the OW - that's my youngest dc's entire life... If I could talk to him he'd probably be able to reassure me about how it was exaggerated for her benefit etc etc (he's said that before) but when I try to bring things up he shouts, things get broken etc etc and I just can't face it. It's just over 5 months on so I don't know - am I being unreasonable wanting to talk about the odd thing? I just feel like the stress of pretending everything is okay is killing me

You should be able to talk about it. Of course you would both like it to just go away - but it is not going to.

My was like that at first but with counselling we both have learned that there are times when we need to talk about it otherwise it will eat away at us.

I do understand about the things they tell ow and i do believe at the time they think they are being truthful - but if anyone at that time had made them really thing what they were doing and asking them to qualify it they would not be able to.

My h saw a solicitor before i even found out and the other day he said ' i never had any intention of leaving you' when i asked why he sought legal advice then he really couldnt say and said it was as if he had to prove somehow to ow how serious he was even though he nows thinks he was lying to himself as he would not leave me (but then never gave a thought to how cruel it was to take that decision from me).

Affairs are a part of life but so are many things i thing making people aware just how dreadful they are can help.

Just to pick up on conversation from earlier today about teaching children about the damage affairs cause....

Would any of you tell your children the ins and outs of the affair - even if you stay with your h and you work things through. I dont mean talking to toddlers, I am thinking about when they are older.

If we dont discuss it with them, aren't we just brushing it under the carpet? Just more secrets?

And, if you do split up, how much would you tell your dc? Surely it is a fine line between telling the truth and making them dislike their parent?

Well, I'm sure mine might ask about it at some point - ds (4.5) has already told H that he doesn't like it when he wakes up in the night to hear H shouting at me so I do think it will have a lasting effect on them, sadly. I will make sure that when they ask, H sits down with me and we both explain. It will stop me being too nasty about it as much as making H confess.