Need to sort my life and my marriage out - help!

[AllYouNeedIsLoveAllegedly]

Have name changed as think my dh knows my original name and may come on here.

My dh is, on the whole, lovely - always telling me he loves me, how great I am, what a fab job I'm doing of raising our son (I'm a SAHM - self-employed but do my small amount of work from home during evenings and occasional weekends). But then every couple of months he loses the plot and has a massive go at me for all of my failings (which include not working hard enough to bring in enough money, not keeping the house tidy, not being sympathetic enough when he is ill, not always being on top of the admin for our business).

I will admit there are some issues and sometimes I don't get stuff done that I should (I've been decluttering the spare room FOREVER) because I have a tendency to procrastinate, but my time is pretty stretched between running the household, cooking and cleaning, looking after one-year-old ds, doing the admin for our business, re-establishing my own freelance work now maternity leave is over etc etc. It's not like I laze around doing nothing all day and sometimes I think my head will explode with trying to work out what to do next because I can never get it all done, so the last thing I need is the man who's supposed to love and cherish me telling me how crap I am. I think I would rather not have the nice stuff, the "I love you, you're fab" stuff if it meant I wouldn't get the abusive rants, because it doesn't feel genuine anyway since really I know he thinks I'm useless.

Anyway, combined with the train wreck of a relationship that a year of sleepless nights has left us with, I'm feeling pretty down about our marriage but keen to try to improve things - I just don't know how.

Hmmm ... that sounds really tricky. Any idea what triggers these big rants? How does he feel about them afterwards? Is he apologetic?

Even if you do have things you could do better, having a giant go at you about it, isn't the best way to help you get things done ...

you need to tell him what you've just written, and ask him how the two of you can both work to improve things so that no one is feeling resentful.

if the rant is recurring, these things are just never getting sorted, and there will be more rants ...

Goodnightmoon - I have told him, repeatedly. Nothing changes. We've even had counselling, which improved things for a while, but I guess the bottom line is that I'm flawed and he feels compelled to keep telling me I'm flawed. What can I do?

NotQuiteCockney - I think it's just when life gets on top of him. And yes, he's apologetic afterwards but the gutting thing is that I know that he means what he's said, he's just sorry that it may have hurt me. I know I can never please him, and sometimes I resent that I am working to try to please him all the time and I don't even have a chance to think about what I want.

tbh, it sounds like pretty normal marriage stuff to me. we are all flawed.

but if these things aren't going to change, maybe it would be better if you both agreed to accept how things are. he can't expect the impossible from you, and you shouldn't feel you have to kill yourself trying to attain some ideal that just isn't going to happen.

there's no point in arguing about the same stuff over and over. either it has to change or it has to be accepted.

Hmm, I'm not sure he does mean what he says, exactly. It sounds like he may be trying to hurt you, lashing out in anger.

Everyone is flawed.

Unfortunately, his flaw is having these outbursts.

He needs to be able to see them coming, and do something to fend them off - something that reduces his stress level - go for a run, a walk, go fishing, write in a journal, whatever.

It's possible that some of the complaints he makes in fury are things he thinks the rest of the time - does he never express aggravation or frustration with you, when he's not in this state? Maybe work on getting the lines of communication open so he can let things out earlier, and more gently?

Thanks, goodnightmoon, for saying this sounds like normal marriage stuff - makes me feel a lot better.

The thing is, I do want to change - I am changing - our house is ten times tidier and more organised than it was a year ago and I'm getting a lot more stuff done.

But I just feel like there's always something - I could become the ultimate stepford wife and meet all his needs but he would STILL find something to complain about.

NQC - you're right - maybe we need a weekly "communication hour" or something!

is it possible that he is stressed at work etc and cant take it out on anyone there so lashes out at the only person he can. So in reality it may not actually be about you but more that he is picking a fight to vent (even if he doesnt realise he is doing it). I think my dp does this from time to time .. and I know I do. I think we go through cycles of mini rants - I had always assumed it was fairly normal!

Um, I don't think this sounds like normal marriage stuff entirely, sorry!

Yes, so it's normal for couples to occasionally get mad and have a go at each other and/or to get annoyed about things the other one does or doesn't do...

But what looks dodgy to me about all this is that he seems to expect YOU should be the one doing everything right, being perfect in all respects and meeting HIS expectations. But there's nothing in there about what HE should be doing, about shared responsibilities, or you getting your chance to criticise him.

It sounds like he's the boss and you are an undervalued employee - your job is to:

• Mop his brow when he feels poorly
• Bring in lots of money
• Be a perfect parent to DS (while working to earn the money...)
• Keep the house tidy and clean (while looking after DS and working to earn the money..)
• Do the admin (while looking after etc etc...)
• Do all the cooking (while dot dot dot)
• Clean out spare rooms...

So what the heck is HIS job while you are doing all this? And is he really perfect enough to justify having a go at you? It bothers me that you think you still need to "change" and "do better" when it sounds like you are already managing a lot more than many people would in the same situation.

Yes, Inigo is right - this is pretty outrageous, isn't it ...

I think I would rather not have the nice stuff, the "I love you, you're fab" stuff if it meant I wouldn't get the abusive rants, because it doesn't feel genuine anyway since really I know he thinks I'm useless.

that is exactly how i felt for years with my ex - in the end i could not believe in the "love" stuff becuse the next minute (or week or month) it was the opposite - "you are full of sh%t"..."i love you"

not sure how you are inbetween times but if it makes you feel bad and worthless it borders on verbal abuse - look at cycle of abuse wheels -

www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

go back to counsellling?

My DH has similar outbursts, which tend to be triggered by stress and tiredness. I too am a SAHM, and I think DH sometimes thinks I have an easy life being at home all day with 1 yr old DS.

I'm used to the outbursts, as we have been together for 11 years, and know that they are more about him venting his anger/stress about work stuff than about it being personal, although he can say some very hurtful things sometimes. He is always remorseful afterwards, and over the years has worked very hard to control his stress, especially since arrival of DS. At times he says he just wants to lash out and hurt someone with his words, and I am closest, so it is usually me. Most of the time we manage to talk throught his outburst and get to the bottom of what it is that is bugging him, nad 9 times out of 10, it is nothing to do with what I have or haven't done, even though that is what the outburst is initially about.

Hope it helps to hear that someone else has experienced the same. I would say that we have a happy marriage, despite these occasional "episodes".

Well, we sat down and talked last night and I think we're getting somewhere. He's very stressed about work and I think that's the main reason for the hurtful stuff he says to me. But we've talked through things we'd both like to change about our relationship and I'm in a much better place now.

Inigo - it's not that dh does nothing, just that I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the amount I have to do. Dh works long hours and he does do stuff around the house and help with ds (not as much as I'd like, but more than he used to as I've pushed him on it).

Cest - I guess we may go back to counselling in the future but I like to think we have the tools to work it out on our own. I guess I just posted on here to try and clarify things and get reassurance that other couples go through this, so thanks.

Zeeky - it's good to hear it's not just us!

I'm feeling a bit better about things now so thanks everyone!

glad to hear your chat has helped ... it pays to sit down when things are calm - when they are ranting and raving they can't even hear anyone else's opinion. It is just venting I guess.