I'm hurting so much

[glummug]

xH and I split up last year, he has been difficult for a long time and I have put up with co much crap from him, after the birth of DD2 I had PND for a long time, I tried to get back on track but had numerous relapses.

Then early last year I decided to go to GP and get some help, I was prescribed Fluoxetine and also took some private counselling sessions. My confidence grew again and I really felt on top of things for the first time since the birth of my DD1. From somewhere I found new strength and determination and decided that if I was not happy in life I needed to make changes. Driving home I decided I was going to talk to xH and suggest Relate. He was not interested and told me he was unhappy with me. An argument followed and I told him to leave - he went.

For a while things were going well until I started to wean off the AD's. The counselling had ended and it all hit me like a ten tonne truck. I wanted him back.

Thing is he was already seeing someone, and had been before we had split up. What hurt most is that friends knew about it and even my sister-in-law had found out about it, not that she was happy about it but did not get involved (quite understandably).

I have just found out that the new GF is 3 months pregnant and I'm totally heartbroken. The GP thinks I had a breakdown and it had been coming on for some time. I feel so hurt that for everything I did for xH, he could not give me some time and patience whilst I was ill, I do not recognise the person I was but I still did everything around the house and sorted out the kids.

After 4 years of marriage and being together for 8 years, he gave up on me so easily. I just can't get him out of my head, and her too.

Everyone is telling me I'm so much better off without him for various reasons, how can I stop feeling like this. Its hurts so much and I cry until I'm almost physically sick.

Love isn't like a switch. There are very few things that can make you instantly stop loving someone you used to love.

Try not to think about him or her. Nothing good can come of that.

You asked him to leave for good reason and nothing has changed.

You are hurting because of lots of things but you need to concentrate on getting your mental health strong again and take it a day at a time.

Glum I am sorry your so sad. I think you need more professional support tbh. How are you coping with the kids and routine things through the day, are you getting help from friends, family etc??

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time. It sounds like you've had so much to cope with. Can you go back to your GP again?
I haven't any advice but didn't want your post to go unnoticed.
Have you got RL support?

I just feel like I have such a mountain to climb and I can't do it. I don't want to think about them I just can't understand what I did so wrong to him.

I feel enormous guilt for my babies who will not grow up with their dad around and he is adamant that he does not want to be in their lives because of what I have done.

I hate and detest myself for doing it.

Yes, I do have RL support and I tirelessly put on a brave face, everyone is so busy telling me I'm better off without him I don't feel I can open up to them, what good anyway, he does not want me.

My little ones are fine, I look at them and I feel blessed that I have them, I just feel I have screwed up their relationship with their dad, he tells me they will hate me for what I have done.

what exactly do you think (or does he think) you have done? I can see nothing in that OP that would want him not to see his children, in fact I can't imagine anything happening that would make a man not want to see his children. He is blaming you for HIS shortcomings. Do not take that.

Please stop putting a brave face on for your RL support, if they are family and friends they will want to know how you are really feeling.

I'm just so ashamed that my marriage has failed and I find talking about it hard. There are various problems in my family at the moment, and my problems have gone on for so long, I feel like I'm being selfish to keep bringing my problems up.

He does have some problems with gambling which have got worse the more online gambling has been around. An awful lot of money has gone down the drain!

The new GF has a DD already and xH told me that he regards her as his, our DC's will be regarded as any new partner I meet in the future.

I believe the new GF was in a violent relationship before and xH has been warned by her parents - or threatened I should say to take care of her. He did open up one day and say that he could not get out of the new relationship even if he wanted to as he was scared of her family.

You haven't done anything wrong.

He is talking crap. Whatever you may have done is not reason for him to leave his children.

He isn't fit to call himself their dad. He is just trying to blame you for his mistakes.

hmm I am not sure of the legal issues but i thought you could get bank accounts frozen until settlements have been worked out, might be an idea if he has a gambling problem.

I know you can't see this right now but your ex-h is a cheating gambler who hasn't got the balls/decency to see his kids, your friends and family are right you are well rid.

If you can't talk truthfully about it to family and friends how about ringing the Samaritans?

Sorry but he is talking bollocks. No man would stay in a relationship with someone unless they wanted too.

You are btter off without him and so are your children if that is how he is.

Believe me, there is a part of me that tells myself he is bad, but it is overwhelmed by a stupid weak gullible (bigger) part that just wants him and I do not know why.

Thanks though, getting it out has helped. I'm just going to do the school runs now, thanks all for your support.

I can understand that.

I wanted someone who treated me badly for such a long time. And I know it was for many different reasons. Seeing who I am married to now makes me realise we all deserve the best.

I hope that I can find that one day, I really really do.

I have booked some more counselling today, I need it badly. I want to be a good Mum to my little ones.

You are a good mum - you wouldn tbe so distressed if you werent. You jsut need a little time to heal and sort yourself. Well done on taking such a positive step. Can you meet any other new mums. The lone parent thread on here is great and really really supportive.

Being hurt by a man doesn't mean you cn't be a good mum.

you are a great mum.

He's a wanker. He likes upsetting you and thinks you deserve it for being tough enough to tell him to get lost, which was the right thing to do (no wonder your depression got better when you were rid of a bullying parasite).
DOn't communicate with him at all except WRT to his access to the children, get someone else to deal with the handovers etc, and just don't waste any time or effort thinking about him. He wants you to get upset and plead with him and yearn for him: polite indifference will drive him bananas - and it will also lead to him showing you what a wanker he actually is, sooner or later.