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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it ever ok to NOT love your partner?

26 replies

CoffeeColouredCloud · 23/02/2009 21:18

We have been living together for around 6 months. I like him alot, I respect him and I enjoy his company. He is so kind to me, would do anything for me. We laugh a lot, go out, do everything normal couples do but I know deep down I do not love him.

I don't know why. I want to. I just don't feel it. But I don't want to leave. Is it ever ok to stay when you don't love him?

OP posts:

lilac21 · 23/02/2009 21:21

No, it's not ok. 15 years on you'll find yourself in the same situation I'm in now, with two kids and a traumatic divorce looming and a DH who wonders where he went wrong.

twinsetandpearls · 23/02/2009 21:22

if after six months of living togther you do not love him there is something very wrong. But at the risk of sounding like Prince Charles it depends what you mean by love. Something I have learnt from reflecting on my relationship with dp in our counselling is that I had a highly romanticised image of what it meant to love someone and therefore it was not surprising that I was dissapointed.

naughtynoonoo · 23/02/2009 21:22

Does he know you don't love him, does he love you?

ingles2 · 23/02/2009 21:24

what naughty says.. and do you have dc's?

thisisyesterday · 23/02/2009 21:25

i think it would be quite hard. relationships can be very tough going at times, even when you're deeply in love with your partner.
i'd imagine that it could be worse if you don't even love them to start with?

twinsetandpearls · 23/02/2009 21:25

A quote that I have kept close to heart Ithat the secret to a lasting marriage is that at one time at least one of you loves the other. I think all relationship wane and one person may fall out of love for a while but if the other one is there fighting your corner you will survive, But this depends on you loving hum at home time.

ingles2 · 23/02/2009 21:25

and most importantly... how's the sex?

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 23/02/2009 21:26

yes, ideally if you are both truly happy with your living arrangements. If you get all that you want from the arrangement and if you are honest with the other person and they are happy with the situation too.

Sharing a home and a life and co-parenting is fine if you both know it for what it is and are happy with it.

however - and this is just my opinion and I don't want to hijack your thread so I'll just say this - if you are happy to fake it because other things matter more to you than a fluttering heart, and he'll never know and he's happy, there are actually worse things to do in life.

lilac21 · 23/02/2009 21:27

twinset, my H says he still loves me and probably always will - but I'm not sure he really understands what love is, and mixes it up with some old-fashioned views on my role as his wife and a possibly unconscious sense of ownership.
Maybe if I'd loved him instead of cared about him I could have tolerated those.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 23/02/2009 21:27

Do you respect him and, more importantly, do you enjoy having sex with each other? Because the biggest stumbling block to maintaining a relationship between two people when one does not consider him/herself 'in love' is that the reluctant one sometimes begins to find the sexual desire of the other one a bit embarrassing, then a bit revolting: if you like the sex and like his company then what do you think you want/need that you are not actually getting? If the answer is a) a specific individual that you are in love with, or have been in love with then you might need to consider why you are not in a couple relationship with that individual; if the answer is 'the perfect (as yet unmet) lover' then bear in mind that there's no such thing, really. They all pick their noses and stink out the bathroom now and again.
If you think you would be happier alone then maybe it would be better to end or scale down the relationship. Do you have children together btw?

twinsetandpearls · 23/02/2009 21:28

I could not live with that lilac tbh.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 21:36

do you fancy him and have a good sexlife?

because many people do not feel this "romantic" version of love, and what is that bollox anyway ? (to paraphrase Prince Charles)

having lots in common, shared dc, compatible sense of humour and fancying each other is certainly enough I think

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 21:37

oh, and meant to add that you both respect each other and are mutually supportive

ingles2 · 23/02/2009 21:43

but what you describe Anyfucker is love isn't it?

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 21:44

I think it is ingles2

prettyfly1 · 23/02/2009 21:50

My partner is my best friend. I fight with him but when it comes to it he is always the first person i think of - I couldnt live without him, but the reason i know how strongly i feel is because for a long time i was with someone I didnt love. Its a sad life and no i dont think it is a good way to go.

Nabster · 23/02/2009 21:55

i don't think it is necessarily a problem that you don't love him after 6 months together. love can take time.
my boyfriend didnt tell me he loved me until 5 months in. that was nearly 13 years ago, married now for nearl 10 years and 3 kids.

ingles2 · 23/02/2009 21:58

It took me a long time to fall in love with my dh too, and I didn't even fancy him at first either....not until I shagged him anyway
I second everything Anyfucker says about what love is... and actually it grows every year that passes. I wouldn't be without dh and not just because of habit/convenience but because I actively chose him as a kind, caring, good hearted and generous man

warthog · 23/02/2009 22:04

seems a bit of a waste. you might find someone who has all those qualities and whom you do love.

or worse, you marry this guy, and then meet ideal man.

and i think you might be ok with it now, but i don't think it will last. relationships are hard enough when you love someone let alone when you don't.

sweetheart · 23/02/2009 22:06

I think it is possible to maintain a good relationship without love - lots of people who have had arranged marriages grow to love each other other time.

I think the question I would ask myself is if your happy to settle for what you have now what would a heppen if, in 5, 10, 15 years you found somone that you did fall in love with?

catMandu · 23/02/2009 22:09

Are you sure you don't love him? Sounds like you might be over analysing it. I wonder how you'd feel if he walked through the door now and told you he was leaving.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2009 22:14

Ingles2, are you me ?

ingles2 · 23/02/2009 22:17

I wasn't earlier Anyfucker, but things could've changed

what2donow · 23/02/2009 22:41

if you find him physically attractive, enjoy his company and actively want to be with him, well that is love isnt it?

I cared a lot about my ex, even at the end of our relationship, but the nastier he was to me the less I liked him as a person and I ceased to have any sexual feelings for him whatsoever.

In some ways I probably still loved him, but yet I dodnt want to be with him. I think the above feelings are more important than a notional idea of love.

However if what you mean is he's more of a friend than a lover, I can't see that would last.

veryembarrassedmummy · 24/02/2009 08:58

I think this is a very hard one. In any case, 6 months is not very long. You MIGHT grow to love him. Are you expecting that dizzy in-love feeling? It doesn't have to be like that- and it won't last.

I don't know the answer. I can give you my own experience which might help; I married my DH after 3 years of "courtship". But I was unsure. I had wanted to marry him very much a year before but my feelings had changed. However, I went ahead. Many years later (20+) I am not sure it was the right thing to do, and we do have issues,mainly to dowith sex- I can see him only as a friend/brother figure, and he doesn't really excite me emotionally, intellectually or physically any more, which might end in divorce. What has kept us together is his feelings for me- he really loves me and we have 2 DCS although they are now adults.

so- to answer your question, I would see how you feel as time goes on- there is no rush to either marry him , I assume? I would also say don't think about having DCS until you sort out how you feel.

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