Anyone else been through a break-up during pregnancy? How do you cope?

[Tamz77]

This is a long and painful story so I'll try to keep it short; to be honest I'm just in desperate need to know there are women out there who have been through what I'm facing now and who have got out OK the other side.

'DP' and I have been together for a year and a half now, but I fell pregnant late last year and we are now splitting up - because of the baby. I'm happy to be pg and am laying down plans for the future (currently selling my house and moving back to be with my (v.supportive) family until after baby is born), but am having trouble coping with partner's attitude. It's lots of little things really; the break-up is civil and we're both sad about it, but he has been so, so hurtful about the pregnancy. In the early stages he wished I'd have a miscarriage (in slightly more subtle words than that, but the sentiment was the same) and has more recently expressed disbelief that I could have fond feelings towards a baby that's not yet born. Also he wants nothing to do with the baby, is not interested in seeing it and makes no reference to it, ever, unless I do so first: he never asks how I am feeling nor expresses the tiniest curiosity about the baby's development.

I feel especially bitter as he has 2 daughters from his marrige (which ended some years ago) whom he dotes on; what is it about me, and what is it about my baby, that has led to this total rejection? On another level there's his constant sense of denial (I guess you could call it that); he keeps telling me I don't look pregnant at all, which at 6 months - with a significant bump - is just constantly bloody annoying. E.g. Yesterday I went to visit someone I hadn't seen since before I was pregnant and when I got home, I mentioned how surprised she was to see I was expecting, and he just HAD to remark, "Oh so you told her you were pregnant then?" No, I didn't - she could see it for herself as soon as I walked in the door. (Sorry, this denial thing seems a bit pitiful but his whole attitude is something along the lines of a patronising elder and better who's indulging me in some kind of phantom pregnancy.) He thinks I'm somehow silly for avoiding alcohol and potentially dodgy foods, and it doesn't seem to register with him at all why I don't want to lift heavy loads and furniture right now. Currently I'm having real problems with insomnia which he prefers to call my "neurosis" - like I toss and turn all night for fun - again he fails to register the fact that it could be in any way linked to being pregnant, and in fact I'm lucky to get through a night without getting shouted or sworn at.

Hopefully my move will be completed in the not-too-distant future, but in the time being I was wondering whether any ladies on mumsnet have been through anything similar. All my friends and family are elsewhere and while I can always get them on the phone, the day-to-day comments, sniping and rubbishing, are really diminishing my enjoyment of this period in my life. I feel I've accepted the way he's turned down fatherhood with pretty good grace; is it too much to expect some slight show of care or concern in the short time we've got left together? Is it a 'man thing' that he can be so emotionally detached from his child, or is it that I'm really just not good enough to be a parent with? Has anyone known anyone similar?

I'm afraid that I haven't got anything helpful to say apart from this sounds like a dreadful situation and you must be feeling appalling - I do hope that it gets sorted out soon

Zoe

Hi

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. My cousin was in a similar position about 9 years ago. She was dating somebody, fell pregnant and he basically has had nothing to do with her or their son since. He refused to believe the baby was his and to this day she is not sure that his family know they have a grandson. She moved back in with her family and they supported her for the first few months. Obviously, it has'nt been a bed of roses but a few years on, she met and fell in love with another man and they now have bought a house together and she has just given birth to her second son!

She is living proof that you can come through a situation like this. I know it can't be easy but I would solely try to concentrate on you and your baby; this man has shown such contempt he is not worth wasting your precious time and energy on. Who knows, when your baby is born his feelings may change, but there is absolutely no reason for him to treat you like this. My heart goes out to you, take care of yourself

xx

I can't say I've been in exactly the same situation - but recognise some similarities. Dh never wanted children. He did, however, say that he would ( eventually) have them becasue I wanted them. During my pregnancies ( I had a couple of miscarriages before dd) he showed no interest whatsoever - never knew how pregnant I was or came to scans etc, on several occasions made ''hard'' comments like '' I'm going to have to work for the next 20 years to support ''that'' ( ie my bump).
I kept deluding myself that he did want the baby only to crash down the next time he was so distant about it all. I coped reasonably well overall but we did have a few massive rows over how hurtful he was on particular occasions.
HOWEVER - once dd was born it was a different story. He didn't do any of the crappy bits simply because we'd made an agreement v early on ( when I was trying to get him to talk about why he was so afraid of having children)that I would keep my cleaner/ironer whilst on mat leave and in exchange he wouldn't do any night get ups, and as dd became more and more a little person he became more and more devoted - so that now he is absolutely besotted ( and is pretty good in practical terms too) and anyone who sees him with her would be incredulous if they knew how he'd been before.
I appreciate that most of this is not relevent to you as you are splitting up - but I do think it has a direct bearing on what you say about your dp being different with his 2 children. I don't think for one minute that it is YOUR child that he's rejecting, simply that the child isn't here yet and he, like my dh, can't make that leap of faith and fall in love with an abstract, indeed your dp is probably actively trying NOT to given that you are not together. It's definitely a 'man thing IMO.

Maybe he has a "thing" about children- maybe his wife "changed" after having kids (most of us do!).Maybe she had less time for him after the children were born (some men don't like moving down the list- dh knows he comes after the 2 children -not all men like that) It sounds like he's almost scared to admit you're pregnant. I did know someone with a husband who was a bit like this- when she was pregnant he told her he wasn't going to gt involved with the baby at all- and he didn't but then as the baby grew he became more involved, and now is a doting dad.

As you are splitting up I would concentrate on looking after yourself. Don't even talk to him about the baby. It only give shim a chnace to put you down. If you are excited about something ring a friend or your Mum. He may come round once the baby is born, he may not, but try to concentrate on yourself. If he is ignorant enough not to help you carry something heavy when you are in public, ask someone else- I found most strangers very willing if I couldn't manage something easily, once I was obviously pregnant- in fact men used to jump in and offer to help! If you need help moving something heavy in the house ask a friend- and tell them he won't help- hopefully he'll be shown up a bit.

I'm not sure he's emotionally detached from his child as it doesn't sound like he's even admitted he's having a child. I think that is a "man" thing.

Buy yourself some pregnancy pampering kits - Neal's Yard do a lovely one, and get back in with your supportive family asap- you need to be looking after yourself, and having people look after you- please don't blame yourself, your dp sounds very immature.

Good luck- And whatever happens later with him and yourself, by doing the pregnancy (and birth I assume?) by yourself so to speak you will become much stronger.

Tamz77 - I went through the exact same thing. DH had 2 much older children from a previous marriage but had no interest whatsoever in having a child with me, and put me through hell for the entire 9 months that I was pregnant (unplanned). It was all very well for him to say that he loved me for all the years that we were together with no children, but he certainly treated me like sh*t once there was a child involved. And for years I had helped with his children and had them over for weekends and school holidays, and even took them overseas with us for a very expensive holiday. But I wasn't allowed a child of my own and it really did affect my feelings for him over this. We are still together (but as you can probably tell ) we have other issues that we are currently experiencing so I'm not feeling too kindly towards him at the moment. Sometimes I think it may have been better for me if we had just parted ways, like you're doing. Anyway I just want to tell you I know how it feels and I hope all goes well for you.

Tamz77, I really feel for you.

I have 2 friends both of whom split up with the father while pregnant. One of the fathers came round and took an active interest in the baby and the eventually after a long time got back together, the other has seen his daughter twice in 12 years and that is only bumping into each other in the street. In both situations my friends are very happy, my friend has moved on ages ago met someone else and is very happy. I think what I am trying to say is whether this man comes round or not you will move on and eventually find happiness elsewhere.

Good luck and all the best with your pregnancy. Hope you do manage to move out soon as this is an enjoyable thing.

Also agree that his wife might have changed after the birth, and perhaps he is very insecure.

Tamz77 I have just asked my dp this question as we had similar problems when I was pregnant with our first child. He has 2 ds from a previous aswell. He says that your dp may be confused as MEN feel that they have to choose between the born and unborn. But when the unborn come along it doesn't affect anything at all so it was pointless in the first place to feel like that. This sounds like a cop out to me but I thought I would give you the words as to WHY from a mans perspective.Maybe he feels the same as my dp did. Take care. Hope everything works out for you.

My now ex-dp left me when I was pregnant. It hurt like hell, but we kept things civil. You find an inner strength. Think of the little one you are carrying and the wonderful life you can give it, especially away from a negative parent. I got back with my dd father when she was born and we managed to stay together for 16mths until he left me three weeks ago (see thread "my partner has left me". In hindsight I wish I'd never given him another chance when dd was born as I would now have our lives sorted. While at the moment I'm trying to pick up the pieces of whats left and carry on. Where do you live? If its anywhere near me (Essex)I would have no hesitation in giving you a shoulder to cry on. I know how hard it is.

I am very sorry to hear of this, I have known of similar situations, though not personally experienced it. It seems mainly to be rejection of the responsibility of fathering another child.

I think though you should kick him out of your bed, so that at least you should toss and turn in peace. What is the point in sharing your bed if you are splitting up anyway. He is totally out of order. I believe there is an organisation called 'Homestart' which is very supportive of new mothers with emotional difficulties and you may find them local to your family. Good luck and pleased that you are happy with being pregnant.

I have no direct experience of this, but I've known men who just can't get their heads around their partner's pregnancy.

Am I right in thinking your partner is quite a bit older than you, say, in his 40s, even 50s?Because, if so, it sounds like he's going through a mid life crisis, trying to recapture his youth and freedom, so a baby is the last thing he wants on the scene. I have worked with plenty of older men like this, suddenly into riding big motorbikes, going on and on about guitars and gigs, hanging round with young and trendy twenty year olds - it's pathetic!

Whatever is the case, you know your soon to be ex-partner's behaviour is not right. But you have years on him, you have a baby on the way, a lovely supportive family, much more of a future in fact. What has your partner really got to look forward to in the next 10 years? How empty will his life be? How old will he be by then? I think jimjams made a good suggestion, ask other people for support and tell them your news - just bypass your partner, let him see how many other people out there are happy for you. And if it helps get you through the day, silently pity your partner for being so old and deluded.

Tamz77 have you had your baby yet i too separated from my p while pregnant we had 2 ds and i unexpectedly fell pregnant with no.3. He never acknowledged the pregnancy didnt come to scans,never spoke about it and when others did he changed the subject.He sounds very like you p in his denial thing, i asked him to leave when i was 5mths preg and have got there,it has been hard at times. he has been trying since dd was born to make things up to me (she is now 8 mths) but he didnt hardly have anything to do with her until she was 6 weeks old even now he does very little for her so i cant get over the way he treated me while pregnant, he took away our home p.c and i just got us a new one and have found your message and just had to ask how you were getting on as it sounded so similiar to my situation.

How Selfish are these people ?!!!!!!!! We can all do it alone,its not easy, but you can look at yourselves in the mirror with pride

Tamz77
I agree I think its a man thing....my dh said he wanted kids but when I got pregnant he did not seem to take any pleasure in it. Would not even mention it unless I brought it up first. I took him to one lamaze class kicking and screaming. On the way there I had to stop the car and tell him to behave himself and stop growling or we dont go.Near the birth the doc had said be ready in case the baby came early but he made sure he was drunk every night from the time i was 8 1/2 months pregnant. The hosp was 2 hrs drive away , and I would have had to drive myself cos there were no taxi's. and I decided to have an elective ceasarean just to make sure that baby was safe. ( This was in an underdeveloped part of Asia so I had no family near me.)

We talked about it 2 years later and he says he was just getting used to the idea of being a father and the responsibility it would bring. That even though it was something he wanted, it was a real shock when it was a reality and there was no going back. Also he found it difficult to relate to a bump, and later to a baby that just leaked from every orifice. Even when ds1 was a year old, he said he was still getting used to the idea. In the end I told him I did not need 2 kids, ( one who was a year old, and a 35 yr old who behaved like a 2 yr old ) , so he better grow up or I was returning home. Overnight he grew up, atleast in actions.! Now with two sons who demand dads attention he is quite good but even now I often feel he wishes we were far away and he could just watch his football/news/ in peace.... I think He likes the idea of having a nice family but begrudges the effort it takes. However he does find it easier to relate to toddlers than to babies and bumps. My friends say a lot of them have similar experiences.
I know this is not very relevant to you as you two are splitting up but maybe it will help you understand why he is being such a snit.
Be strong, you have YOUR baby to look forward to and dont let his presence sour your joy in such a beautiful experience. Tigermoth, breeze and everyone here is giving good advice. You will come through it, and you will have a beautiful child to care for, nurture and help to grow into a warm and loving human being. Good luck. X

Wow it feels like such a long time ago I wrote this message

Yes we did split up, no the baby isn't here yet (but I know it's a boy and it's due in ten days!). The father never came round so I sold up and came to stay with my mum, which is frankly awful and I can't wait to move away, but it was my only option in the circumstances.

Myself and my ex are still amicable and still speak every day, but it's more a case of me clinging on to the possibility that he'll suddenly and miraculously have a change of heart and declare his undying commitment to me and our child. Yeah yeah, I know...it'll never happen. But we were good together and could have a great future, it all seems such a waste. And of course I want my child to have a father and a sense of family; as it is he'll probably just have me as as our family's not all that close.

However I am trying to focus on the imminent arrival, I'm v.excited and have lots to keep me busy. I only wish I had someone to be with me for the birth (ie a loving partner) and to visit me and pick me up from hospital, and a nice cosy family home and environment to come home to. Maybe next time, eh?!

Thanks for digging this up, it's nice to know people care, even strangers

Good Luck Tams77!

Looking forward to the birth announcement.

Hi Tamz77, sorry to read about your situation. good luck with imminent birth and hope everything works out OK for you.
Don't know if you've seen the other thread from Bouncy on this subject but maybe you're a great person to chat to her about 'stuff'??? Just an idea, not getting busy and bossy or anything. Lot of luck and love to you.

Lots of luck, I'm sure your baby will be beautiful.

look forward to hearing of your babys birth, glad things have settled a bit, if not the best of situations.could you really forgive him and take him back if he came round after all he has done and the way he has treated you during the pregnancy? i know i can never forget how p treated me while pregnant(incidentally we were together 9 years and already had two sons together).Good luck with the birth and everything else.

Tamz77- any news on the baby front?

I'm now overdue, so booked in for an induction next week - yikes. I guess this means I won't get my water birth. However there's still six days to go for things to kick off naturally so I'm going to try a bit of pineapple, nipple-tweaking etc. Things were looking good until my midwife appointment yesterday when it because apparent that DS has stopped descending and is still only 2/5 engaged. Wish I could just give him a shove! Will post an announcement when (or if!) he ever arrives.

Message withdrawn

Where's this baby tamz77 dont keep himm hidden away tell us all!