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Original poster

is this too soon for a divorce?

22 replies

quickienamechangee · 22/02/2009 22:05

My Dh walked out on us when DS2 was 4 weeks old. He is 4 months today and last week I decided to file for divorce on the grounds of Dh's admitted adultery. He confessed finally that he had slept (as I suspected) with someone from his work and was seeing someone else now.

I see this as a huge betrayal and not least because he left 4 weeks post CS. When I needed his help the most he was not there for me or the DC's.

He was disinterested in the(planned) PG and totally unhelpful around the house even when I was heavily PG and looking after DS1 (a lively 2 yr old!) .

When I told him I was pregnant his response was that he didn't think we were trying?

I'm good friends with his half sister (weirdly his dad left her when she was a baby too so she has been very supportive to me as I am now in exactly the same situation with my DH as her mum was with their dad IYKWIM)

I told her tonight that I had started divorce proceedings and she thinks its far too soon. He has said to his dad that he wants to try again (funnily he has said the opposite to me)

She also raised the possibility that he could be clinically depressed and his poor behaviour could be down to this. I think this sounds all to convenient way to excuse what has happened. I know she probably has a vested interest in what happens but personally feel he has behaved in such a shocking way i am not sure this relationship is repairable. I have given him so many opportunities to redeem himself but each time he has thrown it back in my face. I feel this limboland situation could go on for years.

OP posts:
nkf · 22/02/2009 22:10

Does it seem too soon to you? If not, get on with it. Good luck.

Original poster
quickienamechangee · 22/02/2009 22:15

I go through days when I think i'd get back with him if it was possible then he does something even worse and it helps me love him less. Its weird as he comes over and is really friendly towards me and I find this really hard to deal with. It would be so much easier if he was awful all the time. But he doesn't act like that-its like he has a bi polar twin! I never know which one i'm going to get- the nice DH or the evil one.

In the last 4 months he is unrecognisable as the DH that that I knew. But yet can be so nice. I know i need to toughen up but i know i still love him.

He won't talk to anyone about what has happened and everyone has been in shock as to what has happened. he used to have a very close circle of friends but won't open up to anyone.

OP posts:
poopscoop · 22/02/2009 22:15

sorry to hear you have had a tough time. No,not to soon at all. Do it, and then move on. you will be able to put all ths behind you and have a happier life.

PottyCock · 22/02/2009 22:19

God you poor thing. Nothing worse than being dumped on like this by the one person you should be supported and loved by after having a baby. Don't let this go on for years - nobody deserves this, it's a horrible damaging thing to do, to abandon someone when they are vulnerable and reliant. Don't be dragged down by him. I really sympathis - my dp didn't leave me but was vile after birth of dd - she is one now and I am still completely devastated by it all.

Original poster
quickienamechangee · 22/02/2009 22:25

That's what gets me- when i needed him the most he wasn't there. In fact 2 weeks after DS2 was born he joined the bloody gym! wtf. as if i didn't need his help juggling the 2 kids and recovering from surgery. Then he also went out and just didn't come home one night

I've coped really well with it all because a) i've had to and b) it made me realise that id been doing it all single handedly for a long while as he had gradually been disengaging himself from us so i have been on my own for a long time without really realising it anyway.

In a drunken phone call a few weeks ago he admitted that he hadn't loved me since March last year. This is another reason that I personally feel that divorce isn't too soon as this has obviously been brewing for a long while although I didn't actually realise how serious things were. i was too busy being a full time mum and PG.

OP posts:
Original poster
quickienamechangee · 22/02/2009 22:26

pottycock are you still with your DP?

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sarah76 · 22/02/2009 22:29

I don't think it's too soon. He probably does have some issues of his own if he's withdrawing from friends and you/your children, but better to be out of it than subject yourself to any more bad behaviour. He may not believe you're actually going to go through with it. He may have told his dad what his dad wanted to hearI think if he really wanted to get back together with you, he'd show some indication of that. It doesn't sound like he's even come back to live with you now, is that right? That, or at least saying 'I want to come home' would be a reason for thinking maybe you could work things out with counselling or something. But if he doesn't even trywhy wait?

Original poster
quickienamechangee · 22/02/2009 22:34

That's exactly my point- that actions speak louder than words and he hasn;t exactly been beating a path back to my door.

He also thinks i'm seeing someone which i'm not. I do have a friend who I am v.close to but i know that i'm nowhere ready for a new relationship. Maybe hes saying it as if it were true it would make him feel better about what has happened? perhaps make his guilt less?

In my mind its been 3 months now and he's made zero effort to resolve things (ok he half heartedly suggested Relate after christmas). he never actually did anything about this though and has thrown himself into work.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 22/02/2009 22:39

If you start divorce proceedings it doesn't mean that you have to go ahead and get divorced if you suddenly become insane and change your mind?

MsHighwater · 22/02/2009 22:41

If it doesn't feel too soon for you, then it isn't. It's not an unreasonable question to consider, though.

Original poster
quickienamechangee · 22/02/2009 22:49

so if i start proceeding and did lose my marbles completely (get back with him then) the divorce isn't finalised unless i apply for the degree absolute?

OP posts:
CarGirl · 22/02/2009 22:51

AFAIK that is correct because my ex-SIL did that, the reconciled after the nisi (spellling?)

PottyCock · 22/02/2009 22:54

yes but feel very numb and sometimes i think deeply unhappy.

sincitylover · 22/02/2009 22:54

I split with exh in August and was divorced the following february.

Difft circumstances but still quick

sarah76 · 22/02/2009 22:59

It takes quite a while to get divorced. The court website has all the leaflets that will explain the procedure--found this extremely helpful before/during my divorce. www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/

When there are children involved there is a lot more to doif you start proceedings and change your mind, you will have plenty of time to back out if you really want to. CarGirl is correct, divorce isn't final until you've applied for decree absolutebut I'd think it was unusual to get to the decree nisi stage and not continue.

Original poster
quickienamechangee · 22/02/2009 23:07

I think he's have to do something pretty spectacular to change how i feel about him now...!

I look at my DCs and wonder how on earth he can do this to us. We all deserved so much better and he has let us down so badly.

I supported him for 3 yrs while he was at uni then the bloody second he got a real job and i was being the sahm he farked off and left us!

he's been complaining about the level of maintenance he;s been paying me but i pointed out that if i go back to work in the city and put the dc;s in full time nursery it will be double that in fees.

but anyway...he should receive the papers from my solicitor tomorrow and i'm bricking it as i've not told him that i've done it.

We had a conversation about divorce and he said we were heading down that road. Since he confessed to the affairs the other week i just had enough of his stupid selfish behaviour and just did it.

Im fed up of his lack of answers- he just doesn't answer my questions or explain himself yet thinks he should know everything about my life and ive had enough. I think he actually is barking...who would put up with this sh*t any longer?

OP posts:
Original poster
quickienamechangee · 22/02/2009 23:15

oh and apparently he is now no longer seeing this OW. (as said to his dad)

Then today he said to his best friend that he only said he was seeing OW to me as he thought i was seeing someone. wtf?

i'm beginning to wonder if he is in fact a compulsive liar. nothing he does or says makes any sense. I did ask him about depression at the beginning but he says he feels fine.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 22/02/2009 23:19

If you ever think about changing your mind, just come back her and we'll slap you back to reality.......

Original poster
quickienamechangee · 23/02/2009 09:03

lol cargirl...I might need that slap. I go from feeling sorry for him to hating him. I often wake up wondering how on earth this has happened. Only this time last year we were on our belated honeymoon

OP posts:
AnnasBananas · 23/02/2009 09:53

After reading through all of the thread I don't think it is too soon. His behaviour is inexcusable IMO. He has let you down when you needed him most, not just a one-off thing (ie the staying out all night if that was in isolation) and he is totally wrapped up in himself and self-involved. And he's committed adultery and lied to you.

You and your children deserve better than that.

I'd do all you can to move on and to try and maintain a civilised (as possible) relationship with him for the sake of the children.

It may be a mixed blessing that the age your children are now they won't remember him as 'dad and mum living together' and will adjust more easily to you living/being separate.

I feel for you.

HappyWoman · 23/02/2009 11:12

i would say start proceedings as you can always stop them. I did and it was the best think i did - it gave me the confidence that i could do it and it gave my h the huge kick up the backside he needed to not keep treating me like a doormat. I too think my h was mentally suffering and it promted him to seek medical help too.

I too think he is telling his dad what he wants to hear and so it makes out this is all your doing.

Original poster
quickienamechangee · 23/02/2009 11:54

yeah that would make sense- that way its me the evil one that's split up this family and not him.

Today its the nice DH btw- he just offered me his ipod! I asked why he was being nice and he says he wants us to be friends and it is just an offer as he knows I like my music. I declined needless to say. I'd rather buy my own ipod- especially as he's still not got the papers in the post as yet.

I think its a little to soon to be rekindling a some kind friendship with him. None of my friends lie and cheat on me anyway!

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