feeling sad about my family...

[bumpybecky]

I'm feeling sad this evening about my family. I'm not really posting here for replies, more to let it out without getting those here with me (DH and the kids) upset.

Yesterday I spent most of the day at my parents in law's house at a big family party (there are 7 people with birthdays this month so there's always a huge party). Had a (mostly) fabulous time and really enjoyed spending time seeing BILs, SILs, nephew, neices and many cousins Today I've been reflecting a bit on my family though....

My sister hasn't spoken to me in over 8.5 years as I've apparently done something awful to upset her. I don't know what I've done. She won't tell me, my Mum knows but also won't tell me. I've had to try to explain to my older kids (10 and 8) firstly that they have another Aunt (dd1 only met her twice, dd2 only once at 3 months old, she's never even met dd3 or ds) and secondly that the fact they don't know her is not their fault, they've done nothing wrong etc. My sister has given dd1 one birthday present ever, nothing for any of the others, no birthday or Christmas cards, nothing I don't even know where my sister lives (other than the town) and don't have a phone number or email address. I had thought / hoped that when she had children things might change, but my neice was born 10 months ago and I haven't ever seen a picture even

Then there's my Mum and Dad. I rarely hear from them. I last spoke to my Mum over 2 months ago when she invited herself for an overnight visit. I can't remember when I last chatted with my Dad. He's not well and can't travel easily. Mum also has health problems. We're not close any more. I find talking to Mum quite difficult as it's very obvious she favours one of my daughters over the others, I also suspect they've still not found it possible to accept DH (Mum was rather insistant I should leave him when I was pg with dd1 as she'd argued with him!).

Anyway, it's my birthday today and for the second year in a row, I've had nothing from any of them. No card or phone call, nothing. I am supposed to be posting my Mother's birthday present tomorrow, but I'm asking myself whether it's worth the effort.

Perhaps I should make more of an effort with them. I could / should? call my parents more often. I find I'm busy though, by them time I've done what I need to do each day it's late, so I put off making the call. When I do bother I rarely feel better afterwards so keep asking myself why I bother.

I feel guilty for not wanting to call, feel bad for putting it off, but I don't feel any better for making the call, just more guilt for not doing it more often.

I will never forget my children's birthdays.

sorry that was an essay

well done if you got through it all

its ok to feel sad but think the bit about your mum/dad is different to your sister. Firstly it does sound a bit venal to say you're sad as they've only got a birthday present once from her..secondly if she is not bothered to tell you what you've done wrong to build bridges then frankly its not worth worrying about. I doubt your dc really feel lack of their aunt (they don't know any different) -its your feelings and I guess you mourning the relationship you had with your sister.

Re your mum , her relationship with your dc is different to her relationship with you. you're better placed to see if its damaging to the dc for her to see them . Her relationship with you is clearly not happy (not surprising given how she reacted re your dh ) but that is something that you need to think on separately. is it worth making the investment of bit of time/effort as her/dad are older etc or is she too much of a drain? if so, why - what is it that makes you feel guilty?

don't mean the above to sound hard (I don't have easiest relationship with my family and its taken/taking a good deal of therapy to sort it out - I too still feel a bit sad about it). and it does sound like you've got a nice dh and lovely dc so its good to think that you do have a close family -just not a close extended family.

This may sound a bit funny, but if you're parents can't be bothered to make an effort (and lets be honest, most mothers would want their daughters talking to each other) then maybe you should concentrate on the family you do have, plus work on the 'friends are the family you choose' theory. However, flog the dead horse. You never know what will happen and the worst thing in the world to live with is regret. If you know you've tried, it'll wear you down emotionally but you'll then accept there's nothing more you can do. If you haven't tried everything then you've got a life time of wondering. Best to try your hardest and then draw a line under it. My MIL hasn't spoken to her brother for years as her and her mother apparently upset him (their Mum died still not knowing what she'd done). She has tried writing to him and everything she can but to no avail-she only knows where he lives now as they have a cousin who still sometimes speaks to him but she can't admit she knows without causing him problems. It's difficult for her to accept (even though this is nearly 20 years on) but she is stuck with the fear that the next time she hears about her brother he'll have died (he's been ill) but doesn't even know if she'll be told. I love my siblings dearly so struggle to understand this, but I know you have to try everything in order to move on. Hope this helps.