words of wisdom needed

[Doha]

Sorry if this sounds a bit confusing rant but here goes..l need to get over this

I was adopted at birth and had a good childhood, I was very close to my adopted dad who died 8 years ago. I has no real problems with my adopted mother except the freqent digs at me if l did something she didn't like. "you're just like your mother" or "you came from bad blood" and even " you will end up in the gutter just like her". She was very controlling so for a quiet life
l did what l was told and was determined not to be like my birth mother, l felt l owed everything to them and always tried so hard to get their praise to pay them back for saving me from whatever... Yes l DID love them.

However as l grew older l was curious as to who my bith mother was etc and over the years thought about trying to trace her--but scared about what l would find out. Just how bad was she and what life did l escape from.

3 years ago l found my half brother on genes reunited and discovered all l had been told was a pack of lies. My birth mother had died 6 years previously and had been a wonderful mother who had unfortunalty had no family support when she fell pregnant with me very young. Adoption was her only option.

However l now totally hate my adopted mother for painting such a bad picture of her and blame her for me not trying to trace my birth mother earleir. Maybe a bit unfairly l know as perhaps she felt threatened by this other mother.

I can't rid myself of this hatred and can't forget the constant comments as l grew up. She is an old lady now and l promised my dad l would look after her when he died. I hate the weekend having to look at her when she comed for dinner. I hate her voice in fact l hate everything about her. I get the occasional pang of shame but l feel she prevented me from meeting someone who spent the rest of her life trying to find me.

Have any of you wise MN'rs got any wise words for me

Am l a total cow for feeling like this --l am ashamed to write that l wish she and not my dad had died.

I think you might find it helpful to contact NOrcap and arrange to talk it through with one of their counsellors. I was adopted as a baby myself BTW and have never traced my bioparents, but everyone's experiences are diferent and you are not bad or wrong for feeling what you feel. Norcap hopefully will be able to help you sort it all out and maybe forgive your adoptive mother or at least find a way of not hating her.

it sounds like a really difficult situation.
yes she was totally in the wrong for painting such an awful picture of your birth mother which was clearly untrue BUT,you honestly cant change the past,and even if you were to carry on hating her, it sadly,wont bring your real mum back.
I also think you may feel an awful amount of guilt if you have made a promise to your dad to look after her and you dont.
There is nothing you can do to change your past but you can do stuff to change your future.

i think solid maybe right as well,counselling maybe able to help you.it maybe worth a try.

No specific experience of this, but given the situation I think how you're feeling sounds totally normal tbh. I think I would hate her too for not allowing me the chance to meet my real mother before it was too late.

However, like you say, I'm sure she had her reasons and no doubt loved/loves you very much. The counselling, or speaking to someone who has been through this, sounds like a good idea. I guess you can't change the past now. So you have to find a way to accept it and move forwards. Otherwise the anger and hate will consume you. Good luck.

Thanks you lot.

I think l will give it a go because l really don't like the person l have become

DH is a star he knows totally how l feel and tries to smooth things over despite years ago mum telling him he wasn't good enough to marry me and trying to pay him money to leave memum is very well off and think money is everything but DH stood his ground and we got married. She only came to the wedding to save face. DH is my rock and sensible reasoningl love him to bits.

i am typing this in tears thinking how things could have been--l would never have turned my back on my adoptive patents my dad knew no one could replace him in my life but why my mum was so nasty l dont know and her nastiness did alter some major decisions in my life.

I am left with a what if.....

WIthout knowing your mother it's hard to say why she behaved as she did: but it is more than likely that she said all those things because she was terrified of losing you. My mum (adoptive mum) has occasionally come out with some wierd, irrational remarks that I could have found hurtful, and it is all bound up with her own feelings about not having been able to concieve/give birth for so many years before adopting me (and the huge cultural changes regarding adoption that have happened over the past 40 years or so - are you around the 40 age?).
Of course, maybe your mother is a difficult or unpleasant person, but maybe right now you are upset enough not to be able to see clearly, which is why I think specialist counselling may help you put it into perspective.

I am playing devils advocate but your 'mum' (the one who gave birth to you) didnt look for you and shed not had horror stories like you.

Im sorry youve had to have this and i think counselling is the way to step forward.

What l find difficult was she never said anything to my sister who is older tham me and also adopted. I did ask her recently and she admitted she often heard my mum say things to me but nothiing was EVER said to her.
My birth mum apparently did look for me but l did not register my details with the tracing agency ubtil she was dead or at least dying in her late 40's.

My uncle brother and sister (Birth) had been trying to make contact for a while and hence the genes reunited contact.

Anyway will contact Norcap tomorrowl dont want to end up bitter and twisted to my kidsl recognise l need help.

Doha I think your feelings are natural-I hope you find happiness and peace with your newly found family xx.