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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please advice me. Am I being unfair

18 replies

UnderCarpetBrushed · 22/02/2009 17:11

I am a man needing some advice and I have come here because I assume a lot of you will understand my girlfriend better than maybe some other websites.

We have been together for about 8 months and I never did understand why she was with me because she seemed like she could get anyone and I couldn't understand why she wanted me. but she always told me I underestimated myself and she got angry with me for going on about it so I tried to stop thinking that way.
But I can't push it out of my head anymore because I'm terrified she is going to leave. But then I think I'm being hugely judgemental and unfair on her when she's never beeen anything but kind to me and my head is all over the place.

The reason I am doubting her is that when we first got talking she told me she was terrified about her kids starting secondary school because the schools in her area were all really bad. Fortunately I didnt have this worry as we were in the catchment area of a good school so my daughter went there.

I asked my girlfriend to move in with me and I expected her to say no but she suprised me and said yes. We had not been together long but she moved in and she talked about the secondary school all the time and kept looking up the catchment and her chances of getting in now that she'd moved. I was happy for her because it seemed to take a huge weight off her mind but after a while she became distant from me. She is going on holiday soon without me and she is always out doing stuff seperately from me. It may be paranoia but this seemed to have come on straight after she'd put her sons name down for the school.

We will find out soon if he's got in and I'm terrified she will leave me as soon as he does. I feel awful thinking that way about her because perhaps I am way off the mark but I can't ignore these worries anymore and pretend they don't exist.

Please tell me if my worries are understandable or if I am being horribly unfair here.

Thank You.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 22/02/2009 17:15

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. You sound painfully insecure so its difficult to know whether it is you being a bit dare i say clingy or she is a manipulative cow who has deliberately manouvered you into the position. I have to say tho if i were with someone who constantly doubted me I would seperate myself as well.

Nabster · 22/02/2009 17:16

I was going to say that by going on about how you can't understand why she is with you, she will get fed up and go, or will start to think you have a point, and go.

Then I see the bit about the school and I am thinking she might be using you.

You really need to talk to her as this isn't good for any of you.

Original poster

UnderCarpetBrushed · 22/02/2009 17:24

I would like to talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up. I tried to start a conversation about our future by asking if she'd like to move to a bigger house so that all the kids had their own rooms (hers share at the moment) and she brushed it off saying it was silly to move in the current climate.

I asked if I could go on the holiday with her (obviously I'd pay for myself and my daughter) but she said no as it was already planned before we got together but to be fair she did then book a holiday for us all to go on together so I don't know what to think.

I know I am clingy and I don't mean to be but I can't believe I have someone like her and I don't want to lose her.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnderCarpetBrushed · 22/02/2009 17:25

And my daughter is very attached to her now and it would break her heart if she just upped and left.

OP posts:

Nabster · 22/02/2009 17:25

Stop putting yourself down.

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 17:29

You can start off the conversation by saying the things you raise here- such as she seems distant, is going on hols with someone else...nad hey- you haven't just moved in here to get your child into a school, have you?

Ther is no really tactful way- just ask- and be prepared for whatever she says.

It might ALL be in your mind- you either have to wait and see, or ask.
If you want to wait and see, then stop being insecure as it will piss her off totally.

coppertop · 22/02/2009 17:33

If the holiday had already been booked then she might want to use it to spend a little time alone with her son. If they've only recently moved in and he's due to change schools soon she might want to use the holiday as an opportunity to reassure her son that things will be fine.

I don't think there's anything wrong with her doing stuff by herself. You don't need to be permanently joined at the hip. Do you not have any interests of your own that you could become involved in outside of the home? If not then I think it might be just the thing you need to give yourself a little more confidence. You sound as though your self-esteem is pretty low.

brettgirl2 · 22/02/2009 19:32

Sorry, but I think it is highly unlikely that she would move in with someone just to get her son into a school. That really would be damaging to her children!

brettgirl2 · 22/02/2009 19:33

AND if she did then you and your daughter are better off without her.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/05/2009 19:25

why did you ask her to move in with you if you didnt think she would say yes and you feel she may not love/care for you?

ChubbyMinge · 08/05/2009 19:26

this is the reverse of another thread on tonight

ChubbyMinge · 08/05/2009 19:27

this one

mrsboogie · 08/05/2009 19:40

yes it is

that keeps happening lately...

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/05/2009 20:53

wonder if creaseson forehead is going on holiday soon?

JoPie · 10/05/2009 00:32

You realise the OP is from 3 months ago though?

lisad123 · 10/05/2009 00:43

stop putting yourself down. I highly doubt she would move her whole life and her children for the sake of a school place. I would guess she would have given up/sold her old place when she moved in?
She has booked a holiday for you all, but might want this one she booked to spend some time with her kids.
Also maybe she's pulling away as you are over bearing and trying to keep hold of her. Its very off putting to have someone who trys to smother you. Calm down, enjoy the fact you have a wonderful girlfriend and family and try and find some confidence
Good luck

kidowner · 10/05/2009 01:09

She moved in with you to get her dc a decent school place (please read current thread about who comes first, dp or dc? 99.9% of mums say dc)

There is nothing worse than a man who needs constant reassurance, don't act like a child please. She has gone through loads of change herself.

She is an interesting, attractive woman with lots of friends and interests, this is not an attack against you, this is her character before she met you.

She thinks you are a lovely, decent, generous and kind bloke and most women think good dads are very attractive, even if you don't think so.

Given points 1-4 I'd say you have a good chance of a happy union as long as points 1-4 don't eat you up and destroy it.

JodieO · 10/05/2009 01:26

I thought the same about that other thread

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