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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL staying

6 replies

frans · 22/02/2009 14:24

MIL lives 200 miles away and comes to visit on every opportunity to see DD. She tends to book holidays from work, then tell us when she's coming up, but never specifies how long she's staying for. We have a small house and DD has to move from her nursery to accomodate MIL, which I'm not happy about as it disrupts her routine. She usually stays 6 nights which, personally, I think is way too long, especially when it's every few months, and we visit her inbetween. She also extends her visits without actually asking - over Christmas I learnt that she planned to stay an extra night as I overheard her on the phone to her sister. I've raised this with DH and he gets v. angery and says that he won't tell his mum she can only stay for 3 nights. What can I do? She's a lovely woman and I don't want to upset her or DH but it's starting to obsess me.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 22/02/2009 14:25

book her into a local hotel

i would NEVER assume i could saty for a week at someone's house and MIL's are no different

your DH needs to tell her - why does he get angry?

frans · 22/02/2009 14:26

ADDITION: I think a lot of my problem stem from her insisting on coming up as soon as DD was born, although she knew I didn't want her to come up for a couple of weeks, to give us time to settle down. She stayed for DD's first two nights at home and didn't offer to help with anything; she didn't even offer to leave the room when the midwifes visited and I neded to discuss my stitches.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 22/02/2009 14:27

good god - she sounds like a nightmare

you need boundaries and lots of them

frans · 22/02/2009 14:27

Ruby, DH worships his mother and hates to cause a scene. He also loves her to see DD. He'd much rather I was annoyed than risk upsetting her.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 22/02/2009 14:31

You come first now, not his mum

he needs and should respect your feelings

i think it is really sad he would rather upset you, his wife, than his mum

Flyonthewindscreen · 22/02/2009 15:32

RubyS is right, DH has to put you and your little family of three first now. It is not unreasonable to ask your MIL to have shorter stays and not to stay on without asking.

You need to discuss with your DH what are the reasonable boundaries for your MIL's stays. Also could you try having plans for immediately after MIL is supposed to be leaving? i.e. if she is supposed to be leaving on Monday, arrange to be going out with DD to meet up with friends Mon am. Staying on will seem far less attractive to MIL if your DD not there and as she said she was leaving, she wiil not have any right to get angry.

I do sympathise, I have had my own power battles with my MIL (was on xmas 08 thread re my hosting xmas tussle, she won . Guess I am better on the giving than the taking of advice)...

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