How to get over husband seeing another woman

Shitemum · 22/02/2009 10:49

hope5
i think you just need to keep on talking to each other and have the councelling.

(I'm afraid your post is very, very hard to read as it has no paragraphs, maybe break it up a bit and repost?)

maturer · 22/02/2009 13:58

Hope5, so sorry you are going through this trauma- for that's what it is.

I was there 5 years ago when completely out of the blue my dh had an affair with a work colleague- nothing wrong with "us" it was all down to him.....as cliched as it sounds he had something of a mid-life crisis, he "lost the plot" for well the best part of a year, as that's how long it took to get HER out of our lives and out of his head. We'd been together 20 years and had 3 great children....I had no idea, he had to tell me as HER dh had found out and was about to come and enlighten me!

Any way we are still together and I'd say we are closer and stronger now but it was a slow painful recovery and I know I will never 100% trust him again- something we both have decided to live with.
When I found out I quite simply couldn't believe it, I think I was in shock for a few weeks, but I decided that we'd had 20 great years together and for a time I put aside my anger and pain and pulled him closer and fought for us.

I learned that affairs are about escapism....not always from the relationship you are in, they can be escapism from something happening in that persons life or something within themselves.They seldom survive reality...when the world knows because they are not built on solid foundations like a 20 yaer old relationship- they are about a thrill, lust and a quick fix feel good factor which rapidly disappears when the truth is out there.

The experience we went through nearly tore us apart- we did counselling....actually seperately...which gave us the tools and the frame of mind to talk honest and open...painful talking about what had happened. In fact I knew we'd turned a corner when my dh put himself in counselling to try to undersyand what he'd done and how he'd got there.

No excuses- he chose the affair he could have walked away and he didn't. He can now look back and is ashamed and almost disbelieves what he did and said at the time. He NEVER put any blame on me (although you go through self blame looking for some answers and to try and make sense of it all)

What you are going through I believe is like a grieving process, good days and bad, amn emotional rollercoaster you swing from anger to sadness and love in a single breath!

Take time to decide what YOU want....There is a lot of "social" pressure I thought to "kick him out, head for divorce etc" but It helped me to weigh up what we'd had together for 20 years against this 1 year of maddness.....I decided it was worth fighting for I know most people in life never get close to what we had.

Many see it as black and white...he cheats..he's out...it's not that easy when it's your dh, your lover, your best friend and you KNOW deep down he doesn't really want this.....my dh now can look back and cringe at how, in his words he "nearly threw away so much for so little" but at the time the whole affair thing almost possesses them- they do not think straight, they put their lives in different boxes and put lids on the boxes when they move between home and affair worlds...that's how they function....but it cant be sustained.

My dh came to his senses just in time and has shown me committment and that he's truely sorry ever since then. There are still times I feel the pain of this but we talk and we get past it and slowly those days become less and you get better at focusing on the NOW not the THEN (although I do think you have to look at the then in lots of detail, get it all out in the open try to make some sense of it ...then you can slowly move on)

I hope my experiences help a little. I know everyones stroy is diffferent but there are common elements especially the pain and emotions you go through.

Good luck with the counselling I'm sure it will help.

Original poster

hope5 · 22/02/2009 17:11

Almost 3 months ago my husband confessed that he had been seeing another woman,I was and am completely shocked and devastated by this news, as were our 3 children who are 20,18 and 16.I felt like our lives had been ripped apart.Obviously we are very sensitive and still wounded by this confession.I could sit here and go on and on about what was said whatwent on, on a daily basis but better that I just give facts.He told me left the house in a terrible state,came back 2hrs later,of course we were all totally shocked,he came back and asked to speak to the children he cried most of the time,I told him that he would have to leave which he did.

Checked into a hotel where he didnt speak to anyone other than txting.Told us all how sorry he was,he returned the following day saying ask me anything you want which I did.Turns out she was a girl alot younger than him 13yrs to be exact,and they had been having a bit of a laugh etc.We have had alot of pressure over past couple of years parents illnesses and especially my mum who suffers from alziehmers and at the time needed alot of support to get through life,(she is now in care home) of course I tried to make her life as comftable as possible with some help from family members.We also were dealing with financial troubles,taxman and eventually sold our house and moved to a nice area but slightly smaller house to ease the burden,which was when he was seeing this polish woman.

he acted very strangely after leaving was desperate to see children as much as he could didnt really want to speak to me much,he said because of what he had done.He did say he couldnt come home knowing what he had done he would cry and showed remorse for what he had done.He found it difficult at his parents house as his father has parkinsons and H was sleeping in living room, he said he had no where to go,so guess where he went to her flat in london where she lived with 2 other polish couples.He stayed there for about a week and a half,throughout this time we had been talking.

I had started counselling he had started asking about it which was quite a breakthrough as he had been apposed up until then,he told me he wanted to come home and I said he couldnt as dont think he really knew what he was thinking and feeling etc.His life with her was obviously not all he thought it was going to be, missed me and his children,I also think he was surprised at how I was dealing with the situation, I was trying very hard for the sake of the children aswell as myself,it was hard I cried most days, couldnt imagine my life without him especially aftyer 21yrs of marraige.What was so wrong with me that he had to look elsewhere for comfort, someone else to talk to someone else to have sex with these are all the things that would go through my mind.Children were hurting badly how could there dad do such a thing.

Well he did and maybe he is not the person I thought he was, he had always been such a family man, abit of a dreamer, you no the type thinks he is going to win the lottery every week.We started seeing each other sort of dating he would come to see the children and they enjoy having him around as do I,he says he wants to be totally honest with me which I hope he does,as the trust has gone! and needs to be rebuilt,we had a weekend away which was nice quite relaxing we spoke ,but also had a laugh aswell,im sure we have enough love between us and hope that we can make it through, its really tough sometimes when I think about what he was doing with that horrible bitch,I think she maybe had an agenda,he finished things with her when he realised there could be a chance with us ,he has been living back home for three weeks now and on the whole I think we are ok, he is like most men in that he is not a great talker when it comes to feelings and emotions but is trying,next thing is couple counselling which I hope will help,this hurts so much I feel ok one minute and want to cry the next, and the feelings of anger which I must channel in a positive way.We love each deeply and want to come through this happy healthy people,anyone going through or come through similar situation,I would appreciate your comments.

OP posts:

Original poster

hope5 · 22/02/2009 17:12

Almost 3 months ago my husband confessed that he had been seeing another woman,I was and am completely shocked and devastated by this news, as were our 3 children who are 20,18 and 16.I felt like our lives had been ripped apart.Obviously we are very sensitive and still wounded by this confession.I could sit here and go on and on about what was said whatwent on, on a daily basis but better that I just give facts.He told me left the house in a terrible state,came back 2hrs later,of course we were all totally shocked,he came back and asked to speak to the children he cried most of the time,I told him that he would have to leave which he did.

Checked into a hotel where he didnt speak to anyone other than txting.Told us all how sorry he was,he returned the following day saying ask me anything you want which I did.Turns out she was a girl alot younger than him 13yrs to be exact,and they had been having a bit of a laugh etc.We have had alot of pressure over past couple of years parents illnesses and especially my mum who suffers from alziehmers and at the time needed alot of support to get through life,(she is now in care home) of course I tried to make her life as comftable as possible with some help from family members.We also were dealing with financial troubles,taxman and eventually sold our house and moved to a nice area but slightly smaller house to ease the burden,which was when he was seeing this polish woman.

he acted very strangely after leaving was desperate to see children as much as he could didnt really want to speak to me much,he said because of what he had done.He did say he couldnt come home knowing what he had done he would cry and showed remorse for what he had done.He found it difficult at his parents house as his father has parkinsons and H was sleeping in living room, he said he had no where to go,so guess where he went to her flat in london where she lived with 2 other polish couples.He stayed there for about a week and a half,throughout this time we had been talking.

I had started counselling he had started asking about it which was quite a breakthrough as he had been apposed up until then,he told me he wanted to come home and I said he couldnt as dont think he really knew what he was thinking and feeling etc.His life with her was obviously not all he thought it was going to be, missed me and his children,I also think he was surprised at how I was dealing with the situation, I was trying very hard for the sake of the children aswell as myself,it was hard I cried most days, couldnt imagine my life without him especially aftyer 21yrs of marraige.What was so wrong with me that he had to look elsewhere for comfort, someone else to talk to someone else to have sex with these are all the things that would go through my mind.Children were hurting badly how could there dad do such a thing.

Well he did and maybe he is not the person I thought he was, he had always been such a family man, abit of a dreamer, you no the type thinks he is going to win the lottery every week.We started seeing each other sort of dating he would come to see the children and they enjoy having him around as do I,he says he wants to be totally honest with me which I hope he does,as the trust has gone! and needs to be rebuilt,we had a weekend away which was nice quite relaxing we spoke ,but also had a laugh aswell,im sure we have enough love between us and hope that we can make it through, its really tough sometimes when I think about what he was doing with that horrible bitch,I think she maybe had an agenda,he finished things with her when he realised there could be a chance with us ,he has been living back home for three weeks now and on the whole I think we are ok, he is like most men in that he is not a great talker when it comes to feelings and emotions but is trying,next thing is couple counselling which I hope will help,this hurts so much I feel ok one minute and want to cry the next, and the feelings of anger which I must channel in a positive way.We love each deeply and want to come through this happy healthy people,anyone going through or come through similar situation,I would appreciate your comments.

OP posts:

Original poster

hope5 · 22/02/2009 17:17

sorry sent the message twice by accident.

OP posts:

lucien225 · 14/08/2019 17:13

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TheSecondMrsAshwell · 14/08/2019 18:13

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user1479305498 · 14/08/2019 18:34

Maturer, that’s so very true I think about escapism. My H had his EA/infatuation thing at a point his mum was dying and we had business issues. He hasn’t wanted to talk about it as much as I felt he should and he says he can’t actually remember why he was quite so stupid, I know he hates the fact I don’t feel quite the same or have that level of trust that I did but what he did say early on was that it felt like something that gave him a lift/buzz when everything else in life was turning to shit. It’s absolutely no excuse at all and I don’t to be honest forgive him at all, but I think this can happen a fair bit. My counsellor told me it happens a lot with both men and women.

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/08/2019 18:39

10 year old zombie revived by spam! Spam reported.

bigchris · 14/08/2019 20:11

Goodness hope the op was ok 10 years ago , can't believe no one replied !

AlongTheWay · 14/08/2019 22:14

There are so many threads on this and I'll say the same here as I do in others: you won't.
I am over 15 years past it and while we stayed together the real reason I did was because of low self esteem and didn't think I'd find anyone else. These days I'd be happy to be alone if he did it again. But it ruined my life, ruined my trust and I still occasionally think about it especially when he thinks I'm being unreasonable about something like asking him to help out and he tells me I am always angry about him not helping... I then start to go over it again wondering how he can be so offended by me asking him to help when he did what he did!!!

From the outside to others they would say we moved past it and are stronger than ever. But really it affected me I have isolated myself over the years, I am depressed and suicidal at times. He wouldn't know how it still affects me, I don't bring up the past. But I do still worry what he's doing if he's working late, away for work etc. I still occasionally check his phone to reassure myself even though I will then over think the messages to people I see.

I'm sorry to say it all but it's true. You may come across very few who can say they moved on and forgave but deep down you never really know because I'd say that out loud too. I think for most if not all people in that situation it never goes away.

So yes you can stay together but the knowledge and feelings about it happening will never ever truly go away. You just learn to live with it a bit better so my advice to others in the situation I was in if they asked is now to leave like I should have knowing how I feel this long after, I was stupid not to.