Is this a step too far?

[lilac21]

We have agreed the marriage is over, although he's not happy about it (it's not making me happy either, but we have different perspectives). House mortgage-free and in his name only despite nearly 13 years of marriage. I don't want the house, but at some point will expect a financial settlement. When I leave, the girls will come with me but I won't move far and they will still see him a lot. We are trying to sort things out reasonably.

Present situation is that I have been looking into buying a place for me and the girls to live. I saw a flat this afternoon that I can afford on shared ownership. It could complete in two months, but I wouldn't have to move in until I was ready. Right now, girls know nothing, or have not asked any questions at least. H knows I want separate rooms and that I am very unhappy with our present arrangements. Is it just a step too far to buy a flat behind his back, even with my own money? I have the savings to cover fees and deposit and my income will cover the mortgage etc after purchase. It just feels so sneaky, but I don't know when I will reach the point where I can't bear it any longer and have to leave him.

Do what you have to do...but could you not just tell him what you want to do?

Hi Lilac21 - I thought H had agreed to separate rooms? Did he change his mind

Could you talk to him about this idea? Obviously he wont be happy but it wont be sneaky as that is obviously bothering you!

You are fortunate you have the finances to be able to consider this option

He has agreed to separate rooms, on his terms - eldest DD home from boarding school for half term and now not the right time to drop something on her. He does not want the children to know, and has told me to tell them a reason we are going to have separate rooms because I'm 'better at things like that'. It's not a responsibility I want, tbh - I have to lie at least by omission. I've said let's organise it in the Easter break, but I wonder if we should wait at all. If the girls aren't to know the truth, will they suspect it anyway if we make a big deal out of it?

I very much appreciate being able to buy a place of my own, and I think I have put up with a lot over the last nine years because I wasn't financially able to do anything else.

How do you feel about discussing the idea with him?

How old are your DC's?

If your relationship has been rocky for a while, even if the DCs have been away at school they will have picked up on the vibes that things are not all well at home. Be honest with them.

They are 11 and 9. I want to be honest with them, but he is so resistant and playing on my guilty feelings that it's not something I can do alone at the moment. He says he will tell them I instigated the split and he still loves me and wants to be with me.

He needs to grow up. This is no longer about what he wants, it's about what's best for your children. Divorce is harsh enough on them as it is, without one of the parents blaming it on the other.

The longer you leave it, the more of a shock it'll be. If things aren't gonna get better, you need to tell them about it now, with or without him.

Yurtgirl, I think it will make things even worse than they are now. It's been about a month since I said it is definitely over, and he will think it's too soon to make these sort of arrangements. When someone leaves the family home, the remaining parent has to deal with the emotional crisis without the other person offloading their own responses, which is what is happening to me now that we are living in the same house despite the decision I have made. He will say 'Why are things changing so quickly?' and follow it with 'What have I done?' or 'Am I so repellent?' (both quotes from recent conversations) but my feelings haven't changed in the last six months, except for getting stronger and reaching the point where I can't pretend any longer.

Its a hard one!

My H had similar feelings as you do now. He instigated a split, when I found out what he had been up to I was glad to be rid.

3 years on, we are much happier, great friends etc - but living apart.

Our children are much younger than yours, they know it was all his idea and seem fine with the situation at the moment

It helps enormously that we get on really well - even when I beat him at Trivial Pursuit

Some good advice I have read on MN before is:

Try to think how you want your life to be in 3 months, 3 years etc from now and set about achieving those goals.

If you go ahead and buy that is a little sneaky I suppose, you need to do what is right for you though and your sanity re the bed sharing!

But if your buying it makes him dig his heels in and cause huge legal/financial problems in the future it might be best to be patient?

HTH

Yes it helps, thanks - I could have put a deposit down this afternoon, but I didn't feel ready for that. I'm not sure if we can ever be friends, I don't want to spend time with him now and can't imagine a situation in which that will be different. It will all get nasty whatever I do, I suspect, since I won't give in to what he wants any longer.

3 years from now I want all this to be behind us...trouble is, the only way to reach that point is to live through it!

If you go ahead will he get really bitter/annoying/controlling/lie to the girls?

If so I really would wait - even though that will be annoying just because if you are patient life might be easier in the long run

If you think you can go ahead without him throwing a hissy fit and demanding control of all the joint money, the house, etc - I would go for it as you know it will bring you the space your brain needs

Could you go to relate maybe to discuss some of these issues?

I must go to bed! - Good luck with it all

I think you should talk to your girls, tell them how things are between you and your husband and also pre-empt anything he says by admitting to them that he feels hurt and does not really want this to happen at the moment, but that he has accepted that you relationship is over privately...

I'm going to wait for now, I can only get a 90% mortgage and more time means more time to save. If I go ahead now, I won't have any savings at all, it will all go on the deposit and fees. I am going to tell him tonight to sleep upstairs in the loft bedroom and to start moving his things up there. I can't bear night after night of staying up past midnight because I don't want to get into bed beside him, then taking ages to get to sleep. I have to use my iPod with headphones so I can't hear him breathe, even that irritates me now!

So we had the 'please start sleeping upstairs' conversation, which he has agreed to (has gone to bed now, but not where I wanted him, grrr!) and we also talked about the future - can't think too far ahead, personally - and he said that most kids go to uni and don't move out these days, and he'll be 64 when youngest finishes uni, and I may have to maintain him as he'll no longer be working and I'll be at the peak of my earning capacity. Up until now I had said I was not interested in getting divorced, but he has just helped me to be certain that it's a step I will take! I want him to pay towards the girls but I don't want anything for myself, either after we begin living separately or at any point in the future, and I'm bu**ered if I'll look after him in his old age

Lilac I think you should talk to a solicitor. I can understand the temptation to buy the flat, but you don't want it to prejudice your right to the family home etc etc. Get some legal advice and then at least you know where you stand with regard to that aspect of things, and you can then focus on how you communicate the situation to your kids.

Yes, get all your legal advice in place. I think I read some of your previous threads - if I have mixed you up with someone else then I apologies - but I do think you need to tell the DC - and other people - that the relationship is over. He has to accept it. At the moment he is whining and trying to guilt-trip you, but there is always the possibility of him doing something worse.

I'm confused.? I thought he KNEW you were splitting up? Why is he talking about the distant future?

Where did he sleep last night?

Step AWAY from the emotional maesltrom of guilt and resentment and get some objective legal advice. Learn from my experience, please!

You have instigated this divorce WHICH IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO for you - but that carries responsibilities. You are going to have to make it happen, and you are going to have to tell the children, and you are going to have to take some flak, because he doesn't want it to happen so he isn't going to play fair. It's not reasonable to expect him to. How would you behave if you were him?

As for buying a flat behind his back/this stuff about the house being in his name - you don't seem to have the faintest notion of the principles behind finance in a marriage and divorce. Get legal advice before you do ANYTHING. but fyi, if you are married

• all assets of either party are owned jointly by both of you, whatever name is on the document. 'Your' savings are also his; the house is also jointly yours even though it is in his name only. Do NOT go gallivanting off buying a flat that legally is half his!
• assuming you have a 'long marriage' ie children from the marriage, most assets built up during the marriage, then the start point for finance is a 50:50 split of all assets (house, pensions, savings etc etc) and debts (mortgage,credit cards, whatever). If that is not enough to house the children adequately then the person they are goign to spend more time with will get more, but not necessarily for ever.
• if both of you are capable of earning and supporting yourselves in relatively similar style then neither will be expected to pay regular maintenance for the other (doesn't matter if you want to work or not)
• maintenance for the children is organised on a set basis - a % of the income of the parent who they live with less (more or less)
• as your kids are at private school I STRONGLY advise you agree to put aside a capital lump for their school fees if that is important to you

GET ADVICE BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING!

I found Divorce for Dummies very helpful

Yes LIlac, tbh once you have your legal information then it's time to act. Though your H is being fairly unreasonable in refusing to accept that the marriage is over, you are not really helping yourself (or your DC) by playing along with him. You need to tell everyone around you, calmly and clearly, that the marriage is over, and while your DH is unhappy about it, you will not change your mind (no need to go into reasons and definitely don't tell everyone else that he's a shit even if he is; retain the moral high ground by being calm and kind.) Then either you move house or he does ASAP. I remember posting on one of your previous threads about the risks of staying in the same house as a man who is refusing to accept that your relationship is over which are, to be blunt, that he will decide to have sex with you because you are his 'wife' and your opinions don't matter.

I have seen a solicitor once already, and have a telephone consultation booked for this Thursday. He cannot get half of any property I buy really, since equity would be about £8000 and he'd get half of that - house has no mortgage and worth in excess of £700,000. I will be discussing the legal implications though.

He earns more than twice my salary (around 100k with bonuses) so he can f*ck right off about me paying him a penny at any point now or in the future. We don't have any debts, and I don't want any maintenance for myself, just a share of the property (may have to raise a charge on it and be patient) and maintenance for the children.

He does know it's over - said last night 'Then why are you still here?' - because of the girls, I replied. He is in no doubt how I feel about him, although he says I have not given him the opportunity to 'fix' things, doesn't agree with me when I say you can't change people. I don't want a remodelled version of him any more than I want him, so that isn't going to work anyway!

Will sit tight until I get legal advice on Thursday. I'm meeting a friend on Weds so will tell her the facts, and have arranged to see another next week. He still refuses to tell anyone, says it's not their business and they are not interested anyway. It's just not newsworthy, apparently?!!!

He slept in our bed again last night, so I slept (badly) in DD1's empty bed. DD2 asleep until 7 so she didn't notice, I was up before her. Tbh, I'm not sure he noticed either!

Thanks for all your replies and advice.