Please help me make sense of my feelings (Abuser has died)

[MrsSnape]

I tried to name-change for this but I couldn't remember how to do it so I'm going to have to lay myself on the line now. Pls be gentle.

When I was a child, I was sexually abused by my grandmothers husband. It didn't go on for very long but long enough to have it make an impact on my emotional and mental health. I also know he did it to other kids in the family and as recently as 10 years ago.

Anyway, since this all happened with me, he and myself have gone on acting like nothing had happened. It was 'easier' for me to pretend nothing happened and obviously he wasn't going to tell anyone. I did tell my mother a few years ago but she didn't believe me/think it was a big deal worth 'upsetting everyone over'.

With him being my grandma's husband, I have had to see him on an almost weekly basis. We have chatted, exchanged christmas/birthday cards, truely acted as if nothing had ever happened.

Anyway, he was rushed into hospital this morning and has just died.

I can't work out how I feel about it. He has been in the family for years (we're talking over 30 years) Us younger ones have grown up with the term "grandma and S***"

Everyone in the family are crying, hugging ... I am shocked but I can't bring myself to shed a tear. I feel more guilt than upsetment...guilty that I don't feel all that upset I feel sorry for him. Nobody deserves to die but why don't I feel more?

I feel very, very upset for my grandma however who only lost her son a couple of years ago. It was the son's death aniversary last wednesday She won't cope with much more

goodness that sounds like a very complicated situation. my thoughts are with you. pls dont feel guilt you are the victim. yet still thinking of other people.

You're bound to me confused. I was abused by my step dad and when he was rushed into hospital a couple of years ago after an asthma attack, I remember the journey to the hospital being massively confusing. On one hand, I'd spent years of my life wishing he were dead and on the other, I didn't want my mum to be on her own (and if I'm being really really honest, I didn't want the burden of my mum either - she never believed me about the abuse and we've always had an awkward relationship)

As it was, he didn't die - and I still didn't know how I was supposed to feel.

I think its perfectly normal not to feel sorry that he died. It means the charade of pretending nothing happened can stop. It means you don't have to worry about your own dc's with him in the future. I also think its normal to feel sympathy for your grandma (and perhaps other members of the family).

It was just so sudden. The most horrible bit about it was that he went to the doctor for some test results last week. When he got back my aunt asked what the results were like and he said "I should still be alive next week" he was joking but it turned out he wouldn't

It's sad when anyone dies. I just can't feel as sad as the others probably do and that makes me feel guilty, which in turn makes me feel stupid.

Tillyscoutsmum - sorry you went through it too. Horrible isnt it.

I always wonder what I would feel like when mine died. For a long time I wished it would happen, I hoped they would have a slow painful death as they had killed my childhood and made it so painful.
I dont know what I'm trying to say here, people deal with death differently and I dont think there is a right or wrong way to deal/feel it.
I do hope you get some peace now that he isnt here

It's a complicated thing when an abuser dies. I know someone who was abused by her father. He died recently. She was absolutely floored by the grief she felt. She expected to feel relieved, but actually feels even more vulnerable than she did when he was alive. She is battling all kinds of emotions, hate, love, anger, guilt, betrayal. I think many people would assume the victim would feel relief when their abuser dies but when it's a close relative it's not quite that simple.

Can I add to some of the good advice already given? I think it's normal to either feel nothing or sometimes feel too much. When my (abusive) dad died, I cried. Not because I was upset, but because I felt a huge sense of relief that he'd gone. Then I felt guilty for thinking that. The trouble is, this brings back all the pent-up emotions you've probably had to suppress. Jeez, that's not at all helpful of me, sorry. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Just don't expect too much of yourself. Anything you are feeling now is totally normal and fine. Everyone reacts differently when anyone dies. Once you add the fact that he is an abuser, it just complicates it further. I don't know about you, but for me, because we've spent so many years carrying on as normal and pretending nothing happened, it was almost as though I was conditioned to think that nothing really had iyswim ? Once I thought he was dying, it all of a sudden brought back the fact that we didn't have a normal relationship and something did happen. It kind of just wiped out the pretense ...

Not sure if I'm making sense - sorry. Just with the other threads that have been on here last night and today (about the 14 year old), I'm feeling a bit odd

I agree with the people who said people react differently to death anyway even if the deceased one was not abusive, so people around you probably don't think it is massively odd that you are not reacting the same as them.

I also agree with the people who said you should NOT feel guilty about how you feel! I don't care if I'm repeating what they said because I think the more times you are told this, and by however many people, the better!

He abused you. Why should you feel sad for him? What would you say to a good friend in the same situation?

Also, what someone else said, I don't blame you if you feel relieved to have him out of your life and not have to keep pretending nothing happened and being nice to him. It makes my blood boil that you were made to feel you had to do this!

The more I read, the more I see how common it is for family members to be in denial about what happened and try to dismiss it and brush it aside so that they don't have to be in the uncomfortable situation of having to deal with it and protect their child! (My parents did this too when I told my mum about my grandfather). They are too scared to deal with it but how scary do they think it is for their child! I have contempt for my parents for not finding some strength to protect their child because they would rather protect their own feelings. They were the adults who were supposed to have the responsibility. It would make me angry to think that your parents would expect you to show grief for someone who they know did that to you!

I think this is much harder for you than it was for me because you had taught yourself to be more in denial of what happened and now it is a shock for you all over again that it really did happen and your feelings now he has died have forced you to see this.

When my grandfather died I felt lots of relief. I felt sad for him at the same time because of the fact that he died alone and that was probably because of the way he had treated people and they didn't want to be with him. I was ANGRY with myself for feeling sorry for him. I didn't feel guilty for not being sadder. My parents don't show any emotion anyway so that made it easier - they wouldn't have thought anything about me not reacting in the slightest. I told them I wouldn't be attending the funeral and didn't explain further as they should already have known why. I didn't feel sorry for my mum losing her father because I don't think she cared much either. In your case it is more complicated because you care about the people who are feeling pain about their loss.

So is your guilt more to do with wanting to support your family in their sadness but you feel you can't empathise with them because you don't feel the same? You can't empathise but you can sympathise. This is enough.

Have only read the OP as didn't want to be influenced by others.

I know who you are on here so feel able to talk like this. ie not like last nights thread at all.

The man who abused me is still alive. I want some sort of justice and will feel cheated if I don't get it before he dies. Is it possible you feel a bit like that now? Like there is no chance to have him punished for what he did to you?

I am so sorry for you and feel very strongly that you need to do what is best for you to get through this time and not be influenced by others or criticised if they feel you are being uncaring.

Massive hug to you.

The death of an abuser leaves us with so many questions and unanswered replies eg why did it happen etc.
This man's potential to abuse has ended now and while it is sad for those who loved him and did not see him in the same eyes as the abused did, you do not have to carry his guilt anymore.

My abuser was my dp and when he died suddenly it left me with a searing rage as I wanted to know why he hit me and did the awful things to me. It took a while and a lot of councelling but I have put his years of abuse behind and found a new and happy life which is safe from violence and dreadfulness.

Give yourself time and space to heal, go for councelling if you feel you need to reopen old wounds in order for them to heal properly. Perhaps you feel sad just now for the person you were at the time of abuse, not the strong person you are now. x