How to help deeply hurt DH. Advice needed please.

[noidea111]

Hello
I'm a regular who's namechanged to avoid any danger of being recognised for this one. DH has two grown up DDs. The elder one blows hot and cold, but up to now his relationship with the younger one has been pretty good. To cut a very long story short, and avoid too many revealing details, his youngest was recently in hospital for a planned procedure which resulted in complications. Nobody saw fit to tell DH about this, and consequently he had to try contacting her several times before he found out what was going on. He is very concerned about her and he is trying his best to keep in touch. He has had some difficulty in contacting her again recently and mentioned this to her sister because he is worried about her, and can't rely on anyone to let him know if there's something wrong.

Well today he received a letter from her really going off on one for "using" her sister to get to her. We were really taken aback as relations have always been very good. In no way is he hassling his eldest DD like the letter claims - in fact he hasn't spoken to his eldest for a good few weeks cos she never answers her phone! - we don't know where it has come from at all. We are suspicious that she is being poisoned against him by a very bitter ex.

I can't go into any more details so please don't ask me. But on the basis that what I say is true, what can I do to help him get through this latest turn of events? He has gone through so much over the years with his ex and has desperately tried to stay in touch with his DDs. Do you think they want him to just stay out of their lives? How can he do that - he's their father after all. He's just so hurt by everything that's happened just recently that he can hardly bring himself to get back in touch at this stage - he's not even sure if he's wanted.

I don't even know what I'm asking really - I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. Any experiences or advice would be welcome. Thanks.

Bump

Can't really help advise-wise but sending you and dh a hug as we've been through something very similar ourselves. All I can say without going on too much is that what goes around comes around, keep in there and when the dd's grow up a bit (in age) then they will see the whole picture and maybe realise what poison they had been fed. Sure enough in our experience when my dp's dd went to uni we saw much more of her and she brought with her, her younger brother too! If this doesn't help much at least its bumped the post so others can give much more meaningful advice!!

I have no idea either . I don't know how grown up they are but it doesn't sound like they are acting much like grown ups.

Has he thought about writing a letter back? Stating what has happened (obviously without accusations about poisonous exes).

I think it sounds like everyone's been through a hard time. I reckon a loving letter might be just the thing. It will probably make him feel better writing it too.

I read the title as you wanted to deeply hurt your dh.
sorry no help

No his dd's dont want your dh to stay out of there lives - but they are making him dance to a right blardy tune and he is not deserving this. Thing is his dd's are not being very nice in playing attention seeking games with him and he is trying hard to stay in contact and they know this.

How much hurt can he take? He has to think about his own sanity and health of mind as it will cause him pain but it may well be better to back off completly.

Only he can make that choice though and you may well have to watch him get hurt again before he pulls back completly.

Thing is at the moment his dd know they have him where they want him and that isn't fair.

Are they late teens - ish?

Oops - it does read like that doesn't it. .

Thanks for the good wishes. They are properly grown up, and one is married with a daughter of her own.

I take the point about the loving letter. The point is we've been here before - DH and his youngest went through a bit of a patch of non-communication, then lots of emails, letters and phone calls later everything was fine - so we thought. She's been to stay (we live a long way away) and we got on really well - again, so we thought.

When the replies started coming I was just about to start another thread aimed at people with fathers and stepfathers, to ask just what contact they themselves have/want with their real fathers. My parents are still together so I don't have any first hand experience from a child's point of view - thankfully. It's just so weird - on the one hand the eldest complains that DH isn't there for her as much as her stepdad (he's never been allowed). But then she, and now apparently her sister, seem to think he's crowding them when he tries to stay in touch and be supportive. I really and truly think that an "absent" father cannot win no matter what he does.

I didn't see your message ivykate before posting. I think that he is also feeling he needs to pull back - he's felt that before and it's been me encouraging him to perservere. I don't know if that's the right thing anymore.

But if he backs off, won't he then be conforming to the stereotype of the disinterested absent father?

Is it possible that the younger has been misinformed, and thinks that her dad is only trying to contact her through her big sister, rather than direct?

To explain why I suggest this: I get very hacked off by my brother and sister only ever coming to visit us if I'm bringing our dcs to my parents', or coming with my parents if they are visiting us, ie never seeign us without our parents. Also using my parents as go-betweens - and this is something my parents encourage. This isn't even about unpleasant stuff: if they want to find out the details of my dd's birthday party, for example, they don't call me, they call my parents and ask them. Of course my parents never say "Call PC", they say "Oh, hasn't PC told you? Never mind, we'll call her."

So I could understand the daughter's anger if, at a very upsetting period, she thinks her dad isn't being as close as she would wnat him to be - obviously without understanding that there are problems contacting her.

Well, I think she has been misinformed, but more about the level of "hassling" that DH has allegedly been doing via her sister. Her letter states quite clearly that she, and her family, are fed up with him complaining to big sis that he can't get hold of her by phone. Well, if hassling is one phone call with a concerned mention that he can't get in touch with her, then yes he's been hassling.

I think where this is coming from is that it has been made very clear over the years that he has no right to know anything about his DDs' wellbeing - this has gone on since they were children. That attitude seems to have fed through to them, and any attempt at communicating, when it is not entirely on their terms, is being seen as interfering.

Yes, it can conform to the stereotype of disinterested father, but not always, it depends on how he handles it.

If someone is responsible in the background reiterating that to the child, then it is an almost impossible situation. However, your DH needs to forget the ex-wife and any leverage that she has on the situation, all will become clear in time and the children will see for themselves if there is any stirring going on and they will make their own decisions. Be assured of that.

Don't do a "he say's, she say's" because the ex-wife will thrive on it and you won't win. You can't stop what she say's or does. Forget her and concentrate purely on the kids.

He could write a reply and express his upset and say that he loves him/her but cannot keep fighting what is essentially a losing battle forevermore without progress. That he will forever keep the door open but that since the 'child' is making it clear that they don't want contact, he, for the moment, will take a step back and not further inflame the situation by continuing the fruitless effort to keep contact. To let them know that the very last thing that he wants is to not have contact but what choice does he have when his efforts cause nothing but upset? If they want to talk, he'd be delighted but that he knows he can't force it.....etc....etc....

I don't know if that is the answer, it is just a suggestion of sorts. Some sort of stepping back but making it clear that the door is wide open for talking/contact etc? I know how hard a situation this can be and time more than anything can change it.

What goes around does come around. The smallest thing could turn the situation around just when you least expect it. Don't give up hope, but do take a step back for the moment, for your and yous DHs sanity.

I was about to post pretty much what holy guacamole has posted.

Get him to write a letter saying that he will back off if that is what they wish, but to let them know that as their father he will always love them and want to stay in contact and will be there for them whenever they need him.

Yes that sounds like a good approach - I'll suggest it in the morning when he's a bit more receptive. He finds it so so hard though, and unfortunately things can come over wrong because he has difficulty vocalising his feelings over the phone or putting them down in writing. I feel so sorry for him, and utterly powerless.

Oh God I just re-read her letter. I feel like crying for him, I really do.

I'd better get off to bed now. Thanks for all the input. It's been a horrible situation for years and years and it doesn't look like it's going to get better anytime soon. You'll probably be hearing more from me in my multiple disguises. Thanks again for the support.

It must be awful for him poor man.

You actually sound quite stressed yourself, never mind just on behalf of your DH! A good sleep and a relaxing day or two will help sort you both out to fight another day.

Remember through all of this, you are your own family and you need to pay attention to yourselves, your health and really try not to allow this to smother you both (easy to say I know). A little bit of time out and maybe looking at it with a fresh eye in a day or two.

noidea111 I see you're off to bed now but I wanted to post as I have some experience of this.

My mother and father divorced thirty years ago, when I was ten. My mother has always been extremely bitter, even to this day. It was very, very difficult, as a child, to maintain any kind of relationship with my father as a) there was a constant stream of vitriol being poured into my ear by my mother and b) my father re-married a couple of years after my mother divorced him, which took up his time and energies.

Unfortunately, due to various circumstances AND my own nature, I had little to do with him during my teens and then no contact whatsoever from about 18 to 22. It was only when I came to get married (for the 1st time) that I realised that I wanted to have contact and that I had the strength to ignore what my mother would say. He, in turn (prompted by my stepmother, for which I will always be grateful) did not blame or criticise me for the lapse but instead made a fresh start.

I regret the years I had no contact with him but really felt, at the time, that I did not have the emotional strength to go against my mother or try to work on something that seemed so irretrievably lost. It may be that, at what is a very testing time for her, she is still being 'poisoned' and hence feels she needs to do whatever may relieve that pressure while she is trying to recuperate.

My dad and I enjoy a much better relationship now than we ever have and I'm so glad. I truly believe that your dh's DDs will come to their own realisation in time, but I'm afraid that there isn't much he can do to hasten the process.

FWIW, I would have welcomed a letter from my father, if it had been written in non-confrontational or blaming terms.

Sorry for the long post. I do hope everything workds out well for you and your DH.

Sorry my typing didn't keep up with my thoughts there.
'It may be that, at what is a very testing time for her....' etc was referring to your dsd.

His ex is a psycho. Horrible concept but probably true. Time will heal, be supportive but you can't change the actions of some poison dwarf.

Hello again. This is my last post under the "pseudo" pseudonym. Just to say thanks very much for all the positive and helpful thoughts.

Monkeygi - DH and I both think you hit the nail on the head and thank you for sharing your experience.

I didn't realise at the time of posting the thread that there had been a couple of emails between DH and SDD since her letter was written, which made much more sense once the letter arrived. So in a sense it had been overtaken by events, and things seem to be as OK as could be expected under the circumstances. As things have moved on DH has decided not to mention the letter just now, which he thinks SDD regrets, but he is going to step back a little and see where we go from here.

Thanks again.