Bit of a mess. Ageing mother thinks son has been stealing from her, she is cutting me off for agreeing with him.

[sandyballs]

Long story but basically she needed a new tv and gave DB some money to get one, he couldn't get one she liked so eventually gave up and returned the money - sister in law was also there at the time, but mum refuses to accept that the money has been returned.

Mum is 82 almost, I think she is starting to show the early signs of dementia. All this went on about 3 weeks ago yet she is still going on about it and said to me today that her feelings for me have changed because I belive my brother.

Brother came round last weekend to discuss mum's situation and said he was finding it hard to get into caring for mum as he felt so unloved by her as a child, which shocked me and surprised me . I know he's not a thief though.

My dh just thinks she has always been a very difficult woman and me and DB are only just realising her 'true colours' which upsets me as she's old and vulnerable.

Dementia can certainly begin to show up with situations like this. Also, I think it can magnify character traits that are already there - as she is your mother, you are likely to be far less attuned to these than your dh who, presumably, only got to know her once he was an adult.
I don't have any real advice for you, I'm afraid. It sounds like a really awkward situation to be in.

Thanks for your reply. I did wonder that about magnifying traits, interesting!

Much sympathy to you. I had elderly parents and also work with elderly people. Dementia is a cruel condition which needs to be medically diagnosed. If your mother has dementia then her reality is quite different to yours but to her it is very real and she will genuinely believe that your brother has taken money from her. There is little point in correcting her. One of the last things my father said was that he would never, ever forgive me. It was heartbreaking.

However, there are other causes for confusion in elderly people - acute infections, depression etc so try and get a medical opinion asap.

zoggs - in a case like this do you think it's worth just giving the mother the money again?

No, I wouldn't give her the money again but I might suggest going halves with brother to buy a new tv if finances allow.

That's true Zoggs, she is adamant DB has robbed her, we cannot change her mind. i'm trying to get her to a doctors for a diagnosis.

I did think about giving her the money again lynette but i just wonder if she will still go on about being robbed originally, and still not forigve DB. Her short term memory is so bad that we though she would forget this situation but it seems not.

The tv situation has been resolved, someone gave her one so that's not a problem, except mother perception of it all.

The tv situation has been resolved, someone gave her one so that's not a problem, except mother perception of it all.

Goodluck - it sounds like a very difficult situation.

There isn't an easy answer but trying to understand how your mother feels will make it easier to accept her behaviour. Just imagine that you knew someone had committed a terrible crime, that you recalled witnessing it but when you reported it nobody believed you. That is how your mother feels. She really believes that she is right and you are wrong just as much as you believe that she is mistaken.