Ladies who are on H&W's thread - can I ask some advice?

[AnnVan]

This is actually really hard for me to type up. So bear with me please.
When I was 16 I became involved with a man a lot older than me. At the time I viewed this as a relationship. I wander if some of you ladies would mind talking through it with me, to see if it actually counts as abuse. Does the fact that I was over the legal age of consent mean that it wasn't? It's something I've carried with me since then, as I feel I was a bit of an idiot to get taken in by this man, and because it caused such strife in my family.
Maybe you could talk me through features of this kind of thing?

Fucking predator then. SOrry to be so crude, but he was in the wrong, he did take advantage of you, and sooner or later someone's going to get him for that or for his other victims (because there will be lots). Was the church, by any chance, one of those that's very strict about sexual behaviour but just happened to feature a lot of couples where the man was either older than the woman or in some position of authority over her? Because unfortunately organisations like that really do attract predators.
As others have said, you might find it helpful to talk to someone trained in helping people who have been abused/mistreated in this way. It was not in any way your fault and you did NOT deserve to be further mistreated and humiliated by your family. I am so sorry this happened to you and wish you lots of strength and happiness in the future.

Thanks so much Solidgold. No, the church was not as you describe, but it was 'off'. It was very small, and this man was pretty much the lead figure there. The whole church revolved around his family, and particularly around him. It did have a very unhealthy dynamic to it.

he did once do stuff against my will because he claimed I'd been unfaithful to him and he was 'claiming me back from being unfaithful'.

Thanks to Dittany as well.

There are reasons I don't go to church any more. I have never really talked about this to anyone except my brother.

What an absolute fucking arse he is, Annvan. Unfortunately, predators like him quite often found 'churches' (whether nominally Christian or SpecialTruthfromAtlantis type stuff) purely in order to be able to abuse others or at least steal their money. Is this organisation still in existence? Whether it is or not, you might want to talk through your experiences with a professional expert because it might actually be possible to bust this tosser's arse good and proper.

I'm in complete agreement with dittany and solidgold AV. If he did anything sexual against your will then that is illegal.
Unfortunately he made you comp;icit in his abuse and that 'grooming' is just becoming recognised in courts. It's also what messes peoples heads most.
Your DD was at best naive and was possibly being 'groomed' too, to allow his warped friends to keep you vulnerable. This is not unknown in powerful communities and enables 'pillars of society' to manipulate the weak in their community.

Thanks so much ladies. It just popped up for me with the mention of 'grooming' yesterday, as I realised that that was what he did. I think Saultanpepper summed it up - it wasn't illegal, but was morally wrong. sorry to witter on

All too common, I'm afraid, AV.
So sorry to hear what you suffered.

Thanks LL. Oters have suffered worse, so I will put it beind me again, and go on.

It's illegal for teachers to have relationships with students even if the student is 18, because the power imbalance is so great. That's really pretty much the definition of abuse. So yeah, I'd say you were terribly abused, and I am so sorry that happened to you. It's horrible that a man can dodge the law so cleverly to exploit an innocent young girl in such a way.

I have to say I'd struggle to think of circumstances in which 16 and 50 isn't abusive, even without the family friend/religious elder aspect. Life experience alone gives the older person a massive advantage in controlling the younger party, and really, what 50 year old worth his salt would want a 16 year old? They aren't adult emotionally for a few years yet. And it's disgraceful that your father not only failed to protect you, but then blamed your for that failure. Certainly isn't something I'd advertise, in his situation, and his friends sound a nasty bunch - hearing about your exploitation should not make a decent person contemplate adding to it.

I think the law is a bit of an ass in this area - I mean, a 17 year old and a 15 year old isn't terrible IMO, though a 15 year old is mostly going to be too young for a sexual relationship to be ideal. I think making it illegal to sleep with someone under 19 if you are more than a decade older, and illegal to sleep with someone between 13 and 16 if more than 2 years older, might be a useful addition to the law. It would more accurately reflect the power imbalances involved, IMO. And if a relationship is genuine outside those ranges, then it will survive a little wait.

Qally - agree 100%

Your last paragraph should be enshrined in law at the earliest opportunity IMHO

qually that's exactly what my DP says - he says it's wrong that a 16yr old will go on the sex offenders register for sleeping with a 15 year old, but a 50yr old can legally sleep with a 16 year old.

Qally I couldnt agree more. My sister got involved with a twenty four year old at fourteen and has been damaged for life. I think penalties for this should be much bloody harsher!

prettyfly was this 24 yr old reported to the police? That was ILLEGAL. it would be statutory rape AFAIK. for your sister - has she had any counselling/therapy?